Can't believe

Both Jud and Marcus talked to me regarding my inter finals !!
Both my idols since JC.

I was jokingly telling my mum

If I go finals ask y'all come support.
Can't believe it's really happening.
So much have been going through my mind in the past few days.
Will try my best.

But the battle with myself seems so tough today.
Hope it turns out well...

It's a fucking big

Monster to deal with.
Can feel it growing within.

Taming the beast

These few days, there's just an increase of involvement with climbing again.
I have no idea why but I feel like the passion is starting to come back.
The feeling of loving to climb just like when I was in JC.
I guess it all started from AYC.
When I had the opportunity to be the official photographer for such a massive event.
From watching young athletes cry and being so affected to editting photos of AYC and making climbing videos.
Meeting Japanese climbers Futaba and Kaito, talking to Rollfilm's Takeshi about photography and videography.
There's just something about climbing that I've missed out ever since I enlisted.
The fire in me died out.
I stopped loving climbing as much as I do.
I think I've forgotten the feeling of being so free and at peace with myself on the wall.
And feeling my body move when I climb.
Watching ashima's climbing videos at 3am reminded me of how I watched YouTube videos of her back in JC.
And it reminded me about how I've treated climbing 5 years ago.
It made me realised how much I've deviated from the purpose of climbing.
The essence of climbing was just lost.
The love for the sport as a whole died down when competition and jealousy took over my head.
This isn't how climbing should be.
I've let the me in the past down.

As of now, struggling to learn to be at peace with myself.
And that's something climbing is going to teach me all over again.
There's just something about climbing and how my head functions.
I need to get that peace back.
On the wall, and in my mind.

And getting misunderstood

For asking too much from someone.
When she's just volunteering to help.

Sudden outburst

Of thoughts.
Feels like everything is rushing back to me in one shot.
Like a crippling effect on me.
Awful reminders of how bad a person I've been.
If only I could control the triggers in my own head.

And it doesn't help with the fact that gorilla is expecting so much from me.
And how everyone is disagreeing with how much time I'm spending on this.
I just need someone to listen and not bring my efforts down even more.
How easy it is for people to just speak words.
How easy for people to say sorry bro or thanks so much.
But yet still feels unappreciated.
Am I really trying too hard?

Silent tears

Noisy night.
Who would hear me?

It's so painful

That I can't go back to whoever I was.

A machine gun

That's hurting everyone.
Just overheat and burn.

This world

Need no people like me