When the pain is covered by the fog

You try to dig up the pain.
To know that you're alive,
To feel again.

But when the fog says to stop digging,
And when you get convinced,
Your identity freezes in your body.
Everything shuts off in time.

Till a random wind blows.
I will be the wind.

Obviously

Hiding away the question about the future is not going to help.
Sitting alone here studying for my papers which are in 4 and 5 days later.
Just wondering why am I doing all this again.
I don't think it's a sign of weakness to be complaining about this.
And I think it is right to be questioning why am I sitting here studying and doing this thing called "society".
I'm 22 years old now, if everything in my life goes well, it sort of means that I've lived a quarter of my life.
What have I achieved in trying to answer the questions that have been popping in my head since I was in secondary school?
Nothing.
It frustrates me to see how I'm just heading to what the society expects of everyone.
To educate oneself, to seek knowledge, and to apply what I've learnt, to earn some money.
And then what?
Where do we go from here?
My priority in life haven't changed.
Never a single bit.
Relationship (interactions with people) always comes first.
People in the sense of my loved ones.
Friends and families.
But it just seemed like I haven't been doing anything to feed my priorities over the past years.
I guess it's the struggle between thinking of oneself and thinking about others.
If I were to be extremely self-centred, I would quit school right now because all this stress that people perceives to be good just seems useless to me.
And saying all this just makes people judge in the sense that "this guy don't know what he wants in life."
Maybe what I want from life is greater than just mere achievements.
Time is ticking every moment.
And all I can do now is stare at how I'm evolving more and more alike this society.
Instead of finding ways to get out of this cycle of what people call "life".
I don't know either sometimes.
Is it just me wanting to be different from everyone?
And will I just end up becoming someone without any achievements which the society perceives as "useless", "loser" or "incapable"?
I think what scares me the most is that I'm actually feeling normal now.
I feel like I'm getting sucked in already.
It shouldn't feel normal to be normal right?
I don't know.

Bearable

Is the word

Staining clothes

With tears.

你是我最無法收斂的全心付出

就算一廂情願的 想念更讓人無助

你是我最意想不到的一次投入
就算總會失去的 失去之前我要更用力抱住

Sometimes thoughts

Become indescribable by words.
No matter how long an essay I write,
It would still be a feeling that only I myself understand.

It hides within.
Slowly sucking away personality.
And identity.

Pleasure and Sorrow

Read one of the comments on my blog by a stranger.
Can refer to September's post "Daily dosage of psilocybin"
It's nice when someone tells you that they can relate to your posts.
And enjoy reading your blog.
I guess I won't draft so much things now.
I mean, I guess I would still draft and blog about stuffs that are more, blog-able I guess.
Thanks for the comment Ronnie Lee~

Hmmmmm.
So I guess I'm supposed to write about my life eh?
Life has been kinda interesting.
And scary at the same time.
Scary in the sense of scared of who I'm becoming.
But interesting to see what I might turn out when thoughts become more stable.
I'm just scared that one day it crosses the point of no return.
But yet again, there's nothing much to be scared of.
I don't have to be scared of myself.
Right?
But why do I see that I have to keep reminding myself of that, if I'm not scared?
It's just this weird uncertainty in the thoughts.
Like how I know it's possible to have a sudden anomaly and it hits so hard.
And all questions and thoughts about everything just come rushing in.
And it can't be stopped.
I can't stop it myself.
And it can't be prevented.
When it comes, it comes.
It's scary when I'm in.
But interesting when I'm out.
I guess it was just like how I tripped back when I was in Bali.

Thoughts have gotten so deep in the sense that I don't feel like myself.
Or rather I only don't feel like myself when my thoughts get really deep.
Sometimes I like it and I like to keep it that way.
But at times it becomes haunting.
Your heart beats so fast.
Your mind races to every corner of your brain.
And "I" being in the centre of the brain trying to catch all these thoughts back.
But seemingly useless.

There's just no definition to how sane a person is.
Who are we to define things?
The society has too much stereotypical definition of how a life should be lived.
And to that, sometimes I do feel like I'm the sane person in this scenario.
The world sometimes seem crazy to me.
How can people live without these thoughts?
But when I'm out of the zone, and together with the society, I'm like "Why was I like that just now?"
It's sometimes weird just to see myself in two different places.
But like what you told me, it's just two different feelings.
And reality is defined by us.
By our thoughts and perceptions.
Having a different perception about things doesn't deem me to be insane.
It's only the society that deem me to be insane.

I'm thankful in a very special way.
To see things in a different light.
Not necessarily a bad light.
I'm fine with me being like that as of now.
Because I know that things are fine.
Even though my thoughts fear me sometimes, I know I'm living.
It's weird how negative emotions bring out the most out of a person.
Sometimes I compare this life with laughing every single day,
and I realised that not knowing the balance in emotions scare me even more.

"I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me."