The author will try as much to explain his emotions to the world.
But who actually take the time to read it and really try to feel for the person.
Not many.
Writing everyday makes me feel alive.
That I'm still part of this world.
That I'm still breathing.
It's like the only time where I can really feel good.
I always write with a song in the background.
The song always represents my current mood.
So I can totally write my heart out.
It's been more than a year.
Exactly one year ago, where was I?
That was probably the happiest National Day I've ever celebrated.
The sense of delight is unexplainable.
It's like it just soothes the heart, clears the mind of all troubles.
I don't know how to say but I bet everyone have been through those kind of moments in life.
Those moments that you feel alive and kicking.
Life's like a rollercoaster as I've said in the past.
Sometimes you feel dead like a zombie.
You don't know where to go.
You have no aim.
You're wandering your life through.
Living each day by each day.
All you can think about is the past or the future but never the present.
Thinking about how things were in the past, or thinking about how things would go in the future.
That's the life I'm living in right now.
I'm not enjoying the present as much as I would like to.
I don't know what's stopping me.
If I feel bad alone, what would the feeling be living a life with a mask in a school with all the strangers.
At least back in the past, I'd always be able to share with my best friends.
But thankfully, my best friends are still around me.
Making me feel alive.
Just that I don't see them often.
It's really surprising to know that who is close to you and who is not only through separation.
Of course, how would you miss someone if you see that person everyday.
Day by day, I've been living on.
Stressed by school work.
Stressed by my own goal settings and aim in life.
But what is it that I really want to achieve in this tertiary education?
Am I going to be like Branzann and be the top student?
Or would I just want to be a happy-go-lucky student in school.
Choices like these always makes me emotional.
Because it just worsen the fact that I feel aimless everyday.
Even though I'm giving like 70% for school and studies, it just don't feel good.
The 30% is missing.
30% is the motivation.
I've lost my drive in studies.
Feeling that it's just so useless to study.
How far can a degree bring you?
University?
High-pay jobs in the future?
No, that's not the path that I want to go.
I don't want to be brainwashed into the society, thinking that everything's about money.
Everything's about fame.
I want to be outstanding.
Different from everyone.
But in this harsh world, what else can we do?
It's a sad fact that we have to accept.
That it's impossible not to work.
Unless your dad is rich and stuff.
But still, what's happening to the society.
People are becoming fake.
Even both my parents are being brainwashed.
They just want me to study and study.
Freak, you think I don't know my priorities?
I just need a break from all these thoughts, all these craps that happening in school, in life.
I guess it's hard to understand me.
People who say it's easy, I would say a no to you right in your face.
You don't know what's going through my mind everyday.
I guess I've a good mask too after studying in JC.
So good that everyone thinks I'm as real as you guys.
Yeah, continue trying people.
You won't be able to take that mask off my face.
Unless time let me be.
Haters hate.
I'm just going to tell all of you, I'm far in front of you in the marathon.
Drop a bomb and off I go.
The fireworks were as beautiful, the feelings aren't.
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