Flowers

She excitedly exclaimed, "Have you seen the flowers outside?"

I was scrolling relentlessly on my phone, tired and depleted of social energy.

I replied, uninterested.

"What flowers?"

Her excitement dulled.

"Didn't you see the new flowers?"

"Nope."

On the way to work this morning, I saw a man on his PMD zooming past me.

Sat on his lap was his daughter in her primary school uniform.

Far ahead where the school gate was, parents were dropping their kids off in their cars. 

And it struck me.

My mum was waiting the whole of yesterday to show me her new flowers.

The last hour of the day

 As much as I would love to keep the last hour of the day to myself without social media,

I felt like I've failed (not entirely terribly).

Today's last hour felt different.

So much that I felt like writing down my thoughts.

As I was waiting for the bus back home from yb's, I decided to reach into my bag and take out my book-

Days at the Morisaki's bookshop.

It was an easy to read book and written in first person.

Somehow, I only just realised I like books that are written in first person.

I felt easily connected to the protagonist.

And I guess it's less confusing for me to feel for one single character and her interactions with the rest.

Instead of having to choose who to feel for throughout the entire book.

This was a nice discovery.

I think what struck me so far was Takoko's original disinterest in books.

But she had to kill time because she can't sleep.

And she picked up a book out of random and got so invested in it and feel so much for the girl in her book.

I felt like I was literally living her moment because I wanted to kill time (the last hour of the day) and hence grabbed the book out from my bag.

And it struck me that there are so many people who write and read.

And feelings are in the writers and the readers.

The book wrote about second-hand books having passages highlighted or underlined by past readers.

It reminded me of the second-hand thrift books display in Victoria Market Melbourne.

One thing led to another, I also started feeling slow after getting reminded of myself in Melbourne.

I haven't been able to keep up with the rule I've set for myself for the past 2 months.

It isn't the best start of working towards my goal for 2025.

The walk back home tonight caught many glimpses of what I've done for the past 'last hours'.

I was either drinking and scrolling or hanging out with friends or just looking at Tiger Broker.

Honestly, I should have felt very disappointed at myself.

But I decided that I shouldn't be too harsh on myself.

Today's last hour was nice.

And it's worth remembering.

That feeling when you feel so self-aware.

Of my own thoughts.

And it's been awhile that I've felt like I'm connected to myself again.

I'm at peace with my UBER and CRM trades already.

But more so coming to terms with the fact that I'm actually back trading again.

It was both tiring and scary on Friday night.

Stressful and sad.

But I'm glad that I could take a step back tonight and tell myself that,

It is okay.

It is really okay.

And I wish for more nights like this to come.

And on a larger scale, for 2025 onwards to be years that I am increasingly aware of my own being.

For a while now

 I've been pondering about the idea of what's changing within me.

It's a change that I don't really like but I just can't wrap my head around what it was.

And just as I was doom scrolling after waking up this morning, I came upon a slice of life comedy strip.

And it talks about how the author is uncomfortable of doing nothing.

Because of how crazily busy she had been in the past.

The stark contrast of being so busy and then suddenly having nothing to do scares her.

She don't know how to spend time with herself anymore.

And she felt like death and wish to get back to work immediately so she could escape this uneasy feeling.

Escape from "being with herself".

And I think that kind of hits me.

I think my mind has just been processing so many information that I feel like I ain't processing them at all.

Everything just zooming by like a blur.

I think the last time I felt like I slowed down my thoughts was really that random morning that I was early for work and heading to Lam's house.

And just listening to music.

And just appreciating all the little details of life.

Acknowledging the stress in the morning traffic.

Noticing tree branches that were on top of bus stop shelters.

Realising the whole world is on their phones on the train.

And realising this particular stranger ain't using his phone.

Was he thinking the same as me?

And I'm very sure I want more days like that day in 2025.

And throwing the other two words on my previous blog post,

I have decided that I want to focus on 'SLOW'

And that should be sufficient enough to cover the other two words.

Slow down weeps.

2024

Found a pocket of time to write this before the year ends.

2024 was the year I turned 30.

I think it feels pretty significant.

I'm sure 10 years down the road, I will probably be like, "Damn I was only 30 years old"

I think this sentence just proves the importance of living every day as it is.

It's really getting increasingly difficult to remind myself to live slow.

Time just flies.

And of course the amount of screen time lately is just pretty disgusting.

What a 2024 though.

I told myself in 2023, I want to focus on music.

I think I kind of did.

And I think I was proud to be exploring music the whole of this year.

And looking back at some of my guitar playing at the start of the year, I know I have improved pretty significantly.

And I guess I can say - Yes, I picked up music as a hobby in 2024.

It's pretty fun.

2024 without trading has created a stable space for my mental health.

I would say I have almost 100% accepted the fact that I've lost a sizable amount of money in 2023 and that I would have to rebuild and reset my life from 2024 onwards.

I think I set a goal to rebuild my creativity in 2024.

I wouldn't say I entirely failed that goal because I did picked up music after all.

But yes, probably not doing much in the film sense.

Which surprisingly I'm quite forgiving to myself for that.

Definitely lots of drinking this year still.

But it wasn't sorrow drinking as compared to 2023.

Most of the nights drinking were accompanied with listening / playing music.

I have also returned to trading after a year hiatus.

I think this time having a better mindset, I hope I can control my emotions better.

And a totally new strategy of swing trade so I'm not entirely sucked to the whole decision of whether to buy / sell every minute.

We shall see in 2025 :)

Reconnected with some people, and definitely drifted away from others.

But of course, as per every year.

And I would like to use this last part of my post to write about my girlfriend Bing.

She came into my life so...

'Quickly'.

And so coincidental that I was in the phase of swiping on apps.

I think the act of me swiping back then kind of signified that my inner state was at peace and ready to look for someone.

And it kind of felt like the night when it all happened, there were so many decisions to be made but all the decisions that were made led me to meeting her. (Visually thinking of the web timeline thingy in Everything Everywhere All At Once)

And the whole time that night just felt correct.

The very next afternoon felt correct.

The following days and weeks after felt correct.

Though we'd only known each other for days, I felt like I've known her for a long time.

And it just felt correct when I asked her to be my girlfriend.

I just feel so blissed and happy to have met her.

I told her she's like a meteor.

Came crashing into my life.

And honestly, there are times when I'm still processing this whole relationship thing like...

Wtf?

I have a girlfriend!

It's crazy.

And I just wish,

We will continue growing individually and (togetherly)

This is just the start

And I am definitely excited for what's to come.

And what the future holds for us :)

I should definitely write more.

I am so rusty in this lol.

In 2025, the early thirties begins.

I am looking forward.

Not so afraid anymore.

Keywords for next year?

Maybe:

1. Slow (Lifestyle)

2. Expression (Music and film)

3. People (Relationships)

Thank you to all of you who had been part of my life experiences in 2024.

May you find peace in your own path of life.

I think

Love will win

Thankful

For friends I can open up to even after not meeting for years.

And I meant being really vulnerable with them.

Had a really fun but tiring day at WL's big day.

Enjoyed chatting at my table with Wilfred, Val and Cheryl.

Cheryl was sharing about her gap year and the idea that letting go of your career forces your identity out.

Because we tend to put our identity with our career.

Interesting concept.

I guess Wilfred was also intrigued. 

Other that that, listening to Rach talk about her past and vulnerabilities after their wedding. It was really nice.

I can't remember the last time someone opened to me at such level.

And in return, I shared too, at that level.

It was a nice raw sharing and I felt like it's been a long time since I talked that much.

Felt very heard and connected to a human being.

And I'm so happy for the both of them :)))

And

It occurred to me that I am much more forgivable to myself at this state.

I have a lot of work I haven't do.

That's not wrong.

I high texted someone, feels like fuck but that ain't wrong too.

I just feel a lot at that point in time and she was the first person that popped in my head.

I feel like when I wake up I'm going to be harsh on myself all over again. 

But I really felt that life should be lived fiercely like that.

For the appreciation of medium that makes life, life.

Music, film and art.

Isn't that how life should be lived?