Probably the best random decision to go and catch this today.
I was feeling so much when I woke up.
As if these negative intrusive thoughts couldn't stop.
Woke up at 3pm today, feeling like death.
Or probably just a lack of identity kind of feeling.
Numb and idk.. not even depressed.
Went to Funan to buy the tix for the show and realised I had an hour or so before the movie starts.
While walking around Funan, I just recalled how carefree it was to roam around BKK.
And thinking that I should probably spend more weekends doing things on my own.
When I was buying the tickets, saw that there were only 4 other people who bought the tickets.
In my mind I was just thinking, great.
I love empty movie theatres, and just feeling so connected with the film without distractions.
And in awhile after sitting in, the film started.
I have no idea what the film was about (it's my habit of not checking the synopsis before heading to watch anything)
FULL SPOILERS AHEAD
The film opened with the literal breaking of ice blocks, set in Northern China.
The music and the location of the film drew me in immediately.
It's unlike anything I've seen.
I was drawn to the movie right from the start, imagining myself at the same space where the 3 characters were.
The closest I can imagine myself was Qing Dao.
And maybe the roads they travelled - Grampians?
Basically all the nature places I have visited in my life.
When Hao Feng received the call from the Mental Hospital, I straight up knew what I was in for.
To be honest, was a bit scared of being triggered too badly.
15 minutes into the film and a suicidal ideation.
I was really really feeling what Hao Feng was feeling the entire length of the movie.
I felt very connected to him.
Especially the part where he sees a random stranger (Nana)
I could imagine the entire interaction with Nana in his perspective.
The look on his face when he saw Nana from above, the confused state he might be in while on the tour bus.
And just admiring her from the back of the bus and fantasizing all the conversations that they might have if they ever started a conversation.
When Nana was smoking at the side while taking a break, Haofeng walked towards her.
It was definitely something I would do if I find someone that attracted me so much.
It was fun to imagine sitting right there, in that icy cold weather and just having simple conversations, away from the internet and life.
I don't know what I really want to say about the film honestly.
But it was so good in the sense that I really felt so connected with Haofeng.
Example, having a secret admiration of a random stranger, to find out she was hanging out with a guy in the balcony.
And that very look on Haofeng made me knew exactly what he was thinking of.
Maybe it's my own interpretation but I would imagine it to be like, "Oh she has a boyfriend. Let's erase all the fantasies I had with her."
And idk, go through a literal heartbreak (that aches a lil) with the fantasy that was created.
Fuck.
I have never been able to write this feeling down so perfectly even though this happens to me always since young.
The joy Haofeng must have felt when Nana called him at the hotel entrance to ask if he was free.
That confirmation of mutual interest even without much conversation throughout just because Haofeng is sensitive as fuck.
And seeing how introverted he was in the bar with Xiao and Nana, and how alcohol broke the ice immediately between the 3 characters.
And how three of them ended up in Nana's place, and just imagining all the thoughts going through the three of them.
How Haofeng would probably wish Xiao was not there, and how Xiao would probably wish Haofeng wasn't there.
But they all ended up listening to Xiao playing the guitar and enjoying each other's company.
Knowing that all 3 of them are empathetic creatures and they can tell what the other 2 were thinking.
The sex scene felt so much love and connection between Haofeng and Nana.
Even though they've only met for a few days, it's as if they knew each other for a long time.
There were so many metaphorical representation of things in the film which I do not understand entirely.
When I walked out of the theatre, I felt numb and lost at how it all ended.
But then I reminded myself that maybe the purpose of arthouse film wasn't entirely for understanding, but rather what you felt out of it.
After walking out of the theatre for 5 minutes, I felt a sudden surge of emotions creeping in.
As if I suddenly receive clarity over everything that I wanted to feel but couldn't feel the past few months.
And the word that came out resonating was "I'm tired."
I'm tired of standing on the edge.
I'm tired of trying so hard to stay sane when insanity is just a thin line right beside me.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm really tired.
And because of these influx of emotions, I crumbled.
Pretty hard.
And I immediately thought back on the movie where Haofeng was crying in the club out of nowhere.
And thinking about how similar I was to him in that very instance.
Just thought about the day I was outside Zouk and just bursting so hard back in 2018 or 17 with Chin Yue beside me.
And knowing that at that time Chin Yue probably didn't understand how dark I was feeling even though he is my best friend.
Which made me think of how alone I was in my own journey back then and how similar I must have been feeling this period of time.
It was a beautiful film.
Triggering as it might be, it might be important for me.
To feel again.
Lastly just want to say how The Breaking Ice really felt like a combination of Lost in Translation + The Perks of being a Wallflower together.
Which I really really enjoyed and left an impact on me.
And I like how I feel reignited again, to shoot and express myself.
Right after the movie, I received a text from Dharf.
The first script is out.
For the 'douyin' thingy that I have been wanting to do for years.
Am really grateful to have someone like him.
Reservist for the next 2 weeks.
Time to snap out of these toxic cycle for awhile.
See you guys~
