Just reading through the previous posts,
and realising how I've been mentioning about how I'm turning 30.
So I guess this is the theme in my head for awhile now.
At least I'm able to pin point to it.
Will find some time to sit with myself and just think through this question.
It was a weird mix of anxiety and depression.
I feel like I was panicking but it feels like the depression is numbing things out.
I feel like tearing up but my heart was beating too fast.
I don't like today at all.
My thoughts are just going on and on about how fucked up of a person I am.
And I really don't want to see anyone.
Don't want to leave my bedroom,
Don't want to leave the shower.
I don't even know what I want to write.
LosT is playing in the background.
And the lyrics are hitting so hard.
"If I keep this up, I think I'm gonna break down"
It's exactly what I am doing right now.
Keeping this fucking toxic lifestyle up.
Drinking every night.
Sleeping at 530am and waking up at 3pm
I don't even know why there's this constant reminder thought that I'm turning 30 soon.
I don't even know what I'm fearing about turning 30.
Is it because I'm single and lonely now?
Is it because I have lost my drive and passion for work?
Or is it just because I'm fucking LOST rn?
(And that I shouldn't be as a 30 years old man)
I know these thoughts will simmer down later.
But I'm just writing it out because I can't take this head now.
I feel so useless.
And the scary thing is, it's not just a thought thing right?
I can tangibly see why I feel this way.
The actions I'm doing is just adding to the fact that I am useless.
And then feeling useless and just doing the same actions.
It feels so weird to rant even.
Cause I'm at an AGE where I should have already figured things out.
Or more so, I should be able to handle these thoughts and feelings by myself already.
It's not like I haven't been through these feelings before.
But the fucked up thing is,
I can't.
I can't handle any of this bullshit head rn.
Fuck off.
I didn't even know I blogged last night lol.
But it was quite a intense night.
These days feel like a fucking mess waiting to happen.
My heart wrenches at how I'm unable to feel.
I'm so numb from my own lifestyle.
Gaming till 6am, going in and out of my room just to smoke.
Months are so quiet that it makes the inner demon scream so loud.
My dad asked if I was earning enough,
And asking why I'm sleeping so late.
How do I answer these questions that I myself have no answers for?
While I was high 5 days ago, I recalled how happy I was when the only problem I had was,
What Ice Cream do I want?
And also watching Grampians video yesterday just makes me miss the me over there.
Such simple life.
Recently I was wondering, if my parents aren't around anymore.
Would I be more at peace with myself.
The fear of being a burden would be less right?
At the end of this post,
I'm just glad I still have this safe space to vomit.
I'm turning 30 so soon.
Idk why it scares me so much.
Weird end but ok.
Bye.
Just watched last year's Grampian's video and realised I missed you so much.
It's kinda sad that I still don't know how you feel and all.
But I'm still glad to feel what I felt back then after watching the video.
And that's the power of videography / film.
Like a few days back when I was high and watched Your Name.
These 2 moments reminded me how important film is to me.
And rewatching Grampian's video made me realise how good my cut were.
I hope to do a very good job for DT and Ah Chir.
I love both of them so much hahahaha.
I wonder if this means I'm good in general.
If I honestly ask myself, I think I'm quite caught in between.
There are days where I feel I'm enough, and days that I don't.
Turning 30 in 2 months is pretty scary too.
Especially when I notice people who are in their mid 40s to 60s more.
I wonder if they had achieved whatever they had set out to.
It's kinda a weird place for me now.
But when has it not been?
We are all figuring out and navigating at every phase.
Anyway this post is triggered while I'm on the train listening to music and observing people around me.
Everyone's just doom-scrolling.
And it feels... sad.
Because recently, I look alot like these people and I don't like it.
But it's just so easy to fall into it.
Okay it's a weird end to this post but I gtg
