As I sat on the bathroom floor

It was a weird mix of anxiety and depression.

I feel like I was panicking but it feels like the depression is numbing things out.

I feel like tearing up but my heart was beating too fast.

I don't like today at all.

My thoughts are just going on and on about how fucked up of a person I am.

And I really don't want to see anyone.

Don't want to leave my bedroom,

Don't want to leave the shower.

I don't even know what I want to write.

LosT is playing in the background.

And the lyrics are hitting so hard.

"If I keep this up, I think I'm gonna break down"

It's exactly what I am doing right now.

Keeping this fucking toxic lifestyle up.

Drinking every night.

Sleeping at 530am and waking up at 3pm

I don't even know why there's this constant reminder thought that I'm turning 30 soon.

I don't even know what I'm fearing about turning 30.

Is it because I'm single and lonely now?

Is it because I have lost my drive and passion for work?

Or is it just because I'm fucking LOST rn?

(And that I shouldn't be as a 30 years old man)

I know these thoughts will simmer down later.

But I'm just writing it out because I can't take this head now.

I feel so useless.

And the scary thing is, it's not just a thought thing right?

I can tangibly see why I feel this way.

The actions I'm doing is just adding to the fact that I am useless.

And then feeling useless and just doing the same actions.

It feels so weird to rant even.

Cause I'm at an AGE where I should have already figured things out.

Or more so, I should be able to handle these thoughts and feelings by myself already.

It's not like I haven't been through these feelings before.

But the fucked up thing is,

I can't.

I can't handle any of this bullshit head rn.

Fuck off.