2024

Found a pocket of time to write this before the year ends.

2024 was the year I turned 30.

I think it feels pretty significant.

I'm sure 10 years down the road, I will probably be like, "Damn I was only 30 years old"

I think this sentence just proves the importance of living every day as it is.

It's really getting increasingly difficult to remind myself to live slow.

Time just flies.

And of course the amount of screen time lately is just pretty disgusting.

What a 2024 though.

I told myself in 2023, I want to focus on music.

I think I kind of did.

And I think I was proud to be exploring music the whole of this year.

And looking back at some of my guitar playing at the start of the year, I know I have improved pretty significantly.

And I guess I can say - Yes, I picked up music as a hobby in 2024.

It's pretty fun.

2024 without trading has created a stable space for my mental health.

I would say I have almost 100% accepted the fact that I've lost a sizable amount of money in 2023 and that I would have to rebuild and reset my life from 2024 onwards.

I think I set a goal to rebuild my creativity in 2024.

I wouldn't say I entirely failed that goal because I did picked up music after all.

But yes, probably not doing much in the film sense.

Which surprisingly I'm quite forgiving to myself for that.

Definitely lots of drinking this year still.

But it wasn't sorrow drinking as compared to 2023.

Most of the nights drinking were accompanied with listening / playing music.

I have also returned to trading after a year hiatus.

I think this time having a better mindset, I hope I can control my emotions better.

And a totally new strategy of swing trade so I'm not entirely sucked to the whole decision of whether to buy / sell every minute.

We shall see in 2025 :)

Reconnected with some people, and definitely drifted away from others.

But of course, as per every year.

And I would like to use this last part of my post to write about my girlfriend Bing.

She came into my life so...

'Quickly'.

And so coincidental that I was in the phase of swiping on apps.

I think the act of me swiping back then kind of signified that my inner state was at peace and ready to look for someone.

And it kind of felt like the night when it all happened, there were so many decisions to be made but all the decisions that were made led me to meeting her. (Visually thinking of the web timeline thingy in Everything Everywhere All At Once)

And the whole time that night just felt correct.

The very next afternoon felt correct.

The following days and weeks after felt correct.

Though we'd only known each other for days, I felt like I've known her for a long time.

And it just felt correct when I asked her to be my girlfriend.

I just feel so blissed and happy to have met her.

I told her she's like a meteor.

Came crashing into my life.

And honestly, there are times when I'm still processing this whole relationship thing like...

Wtf?

I have a girlfriend!

It's crazy.

And I just wish,

We will continue growing individually and (togetherly)

This is just the start

And I am definitely excited for what's to come.

And what the future holds for us :)

I should definitely write more.

I am so rusty in this lol.

In 2025, the early thirties begins.

I am looking forward.

Not so afraid anymore.

Keywords for next year?

Maybe:

1. Slow (Lifestyle)

2. Expression (Music and film)

3. People (Relationships)

Thank you to all of you who had been part of my life experiences in 2024.

May you find peace in your own path of life.

I think

Love will win

Thankful

For friends I can open up to even after not meeting for years.

And I meant being really vulnerable with them.

Had a really fun but tiring day at WL's big day.

Enjoyed chatting at my table with Wilfred, Val and Cheryl.

Cheryl was sharing about her gap year and the idea that letting go of your career forces your identity out.

Because we tend to put our identity with our career.

Interesting concept.

I guess Wilfred was also intrigued. 

Other that that, listening to Rach talk about her past and vulnerabilities after their wedding. It was really nice.

I can't remember the last time someone opened to me at such level.

And in return, I shared too, at that level.

It was a nice raw sharing and I felt like it's been a long time since I talked that much.

Felt very heard and connected to a human being.

And I'm so happy for the both of them :)))

And

It occurred to me that I am much more forgivable to myself at this state.

I have a lot of work I haven't do.

That's not wrong.

I high texted someone, feels like fuck but that ain't wrong too.

I just feel a lot at that point in time and she was the first person that popped in my head.

I feel like when I wake up I'm going to be harsh on myself all over again. 

But I really felt that life should be lived fiercely like that.

For the appreciation of medium that makes life, life.

Music, film and art.

Isn't that how life should be lived?

High af

But my takeaway is that I need to make a music video

Yup

 I typed all of that with half of my eyes closed. 

>.O

Fiercly passionate huh?

How do I? 

I woke up with a quote in mind

To be 'fiercely passionate about life.'

Since there's really only this one life that we are all gonna live.

It was quite a weird dream.

But I remembered dreaming of watching a TeamNUS climbing video. 

Where it was about choosing the next exco.

And it was the year that I stepped up to be the captain of the team 

The video was intense.

Filmed in a docu style and I remember it was quite nicely filmed by me, and I was in my head, hoping that Dion (who was watching with me) will find it nice.

There were the two ivans too. 

It was back to uni days, looking for my tutorial room. Was late, slightly nervous, slightly dgaf. 

Was texting hoho and asking where is low.

Found low in a empty classroom and sleeping.

He was snoring so loud. 

Took a tele bubble and send ho.

Then went to find ho.

Became a game where we were shooting monsters. 

Like l4d, there was a moment I was pretending to be dead.

Then the opponent monster came to me and whisper in my year, just surrender if not I gna crush this skull of yours.

Fk I even dreamt of destin, wilfred.

Destin was in house. He has a elder bro that recently passed away. His gaming desktop became an altar.

Which looked really nice.

Fk there was kenny too

I was filming Destin, then I remembered wanting to add turquoise spotlight on the scene.

Fhen I walked past kenny and ask whether he saw my small pocket light.

He say AS10 ah? I put in your room already.

Then for wilfred, it was like a class.

He was the one saying 'good morning class' in a super mcm phm way.

Then I walked past him and repeated to him in a guai lan way 'good mOrNiNg cLasS'

Yeah that's about it.

But I remembered being quite inspired by my own video about me becoming a captain .

Still remembered tearing while watching the video lol.

And idk but somehow, I felt like I went through the heavily woven time and space of friendships and phases.

And I woke up telling myself that I need to be fiercely passionate about life. 

Don't let the 'mundane' kill the 'beautiful' life has to offer.

Hit the milestone

I started this blog when I was 15 years old.

Now I am double the age of it.

What do I feel about it?

What would 15 years old me feel if he knows I'm still writing here 15 years later?

I've definitely seen more things than he had.

But I think the core if who he was hasn't change much.

I'm still navigating life as it comes along.

No said big goals or aspirations.

Maybe slightly (in my career sense) but I wouldn't take that as ultimatum 'life goals

It's my 3rd day of being 30 and what triggered me to write today was what I saw at the kopitiam across my place.

It was really just an ordinary (depressive) morning, I was heading for lunch.

As I was ordering my food, a well dressed mid 30s lady was on her phone.

After ordering my food, I gave a glance at her again.

Our eyes met and tears were flowing down her cheeks.

I saw her blink and two teardrops fell.

While I was waiting for my food, I felt very triggered because she kinda represented my inner being.

It was a seemingly long stand off, me at my line and her holding her phone across her ears.

Before my food came, she stood up and quickly walked away.

What really came to my mind wasn't questions about what happened.

But more of a reminder to me that almost everyone out here is the same.

We all have our struggles but it's never openly shown.

One of my friends who I least thought was struggling came over and visited my blog.

He first asked if I was okay, and next he talked to me about his anxiety.

And it kinda came crushing on me that day that whatever I felt of people being better off than me was false.

Yes maybe in certain aspects, but if we were stripped off of all our societal statuses -

WE.ARE.ALL.THE.SAME.

I finished the last moments of my late twenties being in reservist too.

It was honestly quite a nice reset to my depressive cycle in July.

And I was glad my fog disappeared.

Even for a short while, it was sufficient for me to think.

I just wanna write about what happened in the first week of outfield.

Alpha was tasked to clear these certain sectors but most of my guys died in the first building.

While I was garnering whoever that was alive to charge to the next building, suddenly the malays from my original platoon put back their helmet (they were not dead but pretending to be dead)

That 5 of them put back their helmet again and decided to fight with me. 

Such a simple act but I'm so glad that after so many years, they are still willing to act for me.

Some of them 30 years old as well.

At that moment, though I was tired, I was very motivated to be backed by them.

And as a company, we managed to clear all our objectives and killed our enemies.

That was a story that will live on with me whenever I think of my guys.

Thank you guys <3

After being on a music and film drought, it's time for me to catch up on these things.

Still uncertain about my career but I kinda figured that I really want to pursue creating content that are music related.

Not sure how I'll get there but, I believe as long as I know what I really want, I will get there.

Too positive a post that scares me too.

But I guess my blog needs a negative break.

Lol.

HP30BD to me

Thankful for last night

For being forced to talk about how I am rn.

And just openly sharing about our pasts.

I know I was slightly impacted because I thought about what she said last night.

I think more on "if you drink everyday, it's foggy"

I hvn't heard someone explain my situation better than that lol.

Guess she went through that too

And you know,

Just reading through the previous posts,

and realising how I've been mentioning about how I'm turning 30.

So I guess this is the theme in my head for awhile now.

At least I'm able to pin point to it.

Will find some time to sit with myself and just think through this question.

As I sat on the bathroom floor

It was a weird mix of anxiety and depression.

I feel like I was panicking but it feels like the depression is numbing things out.

I feel like tearing up but my heart was beating too fast.

I don't like today at all.

My thoughts are just going on and on about how fucked up of a person I am.

And I really don't want to see anyone.

Don't want to leave my bedroom,

Don't want to leave the shower.

I don't even know what I want to write.

LosT is playing in the background.

And the lyrics are hitting so hard.

"If I keep this up, I think I'm gonna break down"

It's exactly what I am doing right now.

Keeping this fucking toxic lifestyle up.

Drinking every night.

Sleeping at 530am and waking up at 3pm

I don't even know why there's this constant reminder thought that I'm turning 30 soon.

I don't even know what I'm fearing about turning 30.

Is it because I'm single and lonely now?

Is it because I have lost my drive and passion for work?

Or is it just because I'm fucking LOST rn?

(And that I shouldn't be as a 30 years old man)

I know these thoughts will simmer down later.

But I'm just writing it out because I can't take this head now.

I feel so useless.

And the scary thing is, it's not just a thought thing right?

I can tangibly see why I feel this way.

The actions I'm doing is just adding to the fact that I am useless.

And then feeling useless and just doing the same actions.

It feels so weird to rant even.

Cause I'm at an AGE where I should have already figured things out.

Or more so, I should be able to handle these thoughts and feelings by myself already.

It's not like I haven't been through these feelings before.

But the fucked up thing is,

I can't.

I can't handle any of this bullshit head rn.

Fuck off.

Depresso 2

I didn't even know I blogged last night lol.

But it was quite a intense night.

These days feel like a fucking mess waiting to happen.

My heart wrenches at how I'm unable to feel.

I'm so numb from my own lifestyle.

Gaming till 6am, going in and out of my room just to smoke.

Months are so quiet that it makes the inner demon scream so loud.

My dad asked if I was earning enough,

And asking why I'm sleeping so late.

How do I answer these questions that I myself have no answers for?

While I was high 5 days ago, I recalled how happy I was when the only problem I had was,

What Ice Cream do I want?

And also watching Grampians video yesterday just makes me miss the me over there.

Such simple life.

Recently I was wondering, if my parents aren't around anymore.

Would I be more at peace with myself.

The fear of being a burden would be less right?

At the end of this post,

I'm just glad I still have this safe space to vomit.

I'm turning 30 so soon.

Idk why it scares me so much.

Weird end but ok.

Bye.

Depresso

Just watched last year's Grampian's video and realised I missed you so much.

It's kinda sad that I still don't know how you feel and all.

But I'm still glad to feel what I felt back then after watching the video. 

And that's the power of videography / film.

Like a few days back when I was high and watched Your Name.

These 2 moments reminded me how important film is to me.

And rewatching Grampian's video made me realise how good my cut were. 

I hope to do a very good job for DT and Ah Chir.

I love both of them so much hahahaha. 

It's a quiet year so far over here

I wonder if this means I'm good in general.

If I honestly ask myself, I think I'm quite caught in between.

There are days where I feel I'm enough, and days that I don't. 

Turning 30 in 2 months is pretty scary too.

Especially when I notice people who are in their mid 40s to 60s more.

I wonder if they had achieved whatever they had set out to.

It's kinda a weird place for me now. 

But when has it not been?

We are all figuring out and navigating at every phase.

Anyway this post is triggered while I'm on the train listening to music and observing people around me.

Everyone's just doom-scrolling. 

And it feels... sad.

Because recently, I look alot like these people and I don't like it.

But it's just so easy to fall into it.

Okay it's a weird end to this post but I gtg

Days where

 I feel like everyone dislikes me

And vice-versa

Sucks

FUCK

 Hate this abyssal feeling

I know i am old

 But sitting here at a table at capital makes me think of all the times when I was 20 to 25 partying

But I think most importantly  I wanna say how lousy I've been living in the past few months since 2023.

DPDR has been fking fking strong since but I've not found time to talk about it.

Lol Scott just lunged on me and told me allson is very busy. 

Okay music is very good good bye

Poison - Alice Cooper

I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison

You're poison running through my veins

I wanna love you but I better not touch

I wanna to hold you but, but my senses tell me to stop

First 2024 post

I think my avoidance behaviour (something I've realised at the start of the year) has made me procrastinate writing this for so long.

Not really just avoiding people when things get overwhelming but avoiding my inner self too.

I'm caught in between the idea that I've been getting better and I've been avoiding the darker side of things.

I can't trust either side.

DPDR was actually really strong since mid December and peak at January.

But I kept avoiding sitting down with myself to think about it, and just kept playing the guitar.

I don't even know if this guitar passion thing is real.

What if it just ends up like short-lived like skateboarding?

But I think one thing is for sure, I really am exploring music more for the start of the year and really enjoying it.

Can't believe I actually do enjoy metal to a certain extent.

And I do wish to continue exploring what kind of music speaks with me best.

Just like what kind of videos I'd like to shoot.

But yes as of now Feb 2024, I realise I do like math rock quite a lot.

Not sure if it's the influence of ho's band.

But I guess I enjoyed Ichika's music a lot which led me to Yvette Young and now Covet.

Might be just a phase but ok doesn't really matter.

But anyways, I think instead of vomiting out all these music ideologies, I think I just wanna say that I am living in uncertainty now.

30 is indeed a scary number.

I was triggered by the fact that I've lost 1.8k from gambling in 2 nights.

I think the emotions I felt this morning isn't entirely a representative of how I have been.

It was just very triggering.

Like the whole process of waking up and knowing that I've lost a lot of money last night.

And opening my room door and pretending to be okay.

Just like all those trading nights.

And it just felt like a repeat of those darker nights.

I'm definitely living with the trauma of trading and I guess understanding it is important.

And because of the triggers, I think a lot comparatively  about my financial struggles and the meaning of life.

And it just makes me really stress and sad that I am just so slow in life.

So have I really come to term with myself about the fact that I need to reset my life?

Maybe not entirely.

But I know I am still in the process of trying hard to come to terms with myself.

At the end of it, these raw words tell me that I am indeed doing better because I see myself addressing my own negative thoughts.

Take a deep breath.

Take your time.

It's your own consciousness to live with.

And that is the meaning of life.

Right?