Quantifying

How do I quantify whether things are getting worse for me?
I look at the hours it takes for me to feel okay from when I wake up.
In the past when there's school, going to school and seeing people will stop the mind from going crazy.
But right now, I spend most of my time at home.
And honestly, I would say that times are getting tougher.
The dark feeling drags on for too long, usually it ends in an hour or two.
But now it drags on to the evening.
It's really scary.

I don't know, maybe I need professional help to keep me sane.
Or maybe I just need a better plan in my future than wasting my time playing ML and not being productive everyday.
There is seriously something wrong with me.
I hate to compare myself with who I was before I graduated.
I was so determined to prove the whole world wrong.
But looking at my finances every time, I am just stuck.

It gets fuzzy all the time.
Easily triggered by my parents when they tell me to change job.
But who sees the effort I am making to make a living.
So much for 'doing something I like'.
I'm starting to get really tired of doing these things.
I feel like I'm in some sort of a mess.
Like I can't get my shit together.
Everytime I tell myself I have to be better, then somehow I just end up back to square one.

I don't know what I need.
More jobs?
Or something that will spark me to persevere?
Climb more (so that I can be sane?)

Quarter life crisis is pretty real.
I'm stuck on my keyboard yet again.
And this feeling sucks because I know I have a lot of things in my head that I need to dig out.

Let's device a plan for my mental health first before my career.

Don't know how to feel

I remember there was a time I was a mad fan of Goo Hara.
That was like in 2013, where I'd watch her reality series, listen to Kara, watch Kara etc.
I mean those were in the past.
So Hara's suicide made me not know how to feel.
Because it was like a "young me fanboy-ing" kind of thing back then.
I mean I grew out of it.
But I'm just thinking if it happened in 2013, I would definitely be very sad.
Like it hit me because like hey, everyone is growing up.
And you never know and you will never know really, when depression creeps in on someone.
And it's so silent that's why it's scary.
I'm just in a shock.
Rest in peace.

Freelancing is tough

You know, I woke up this morning feeling like shit.
But then again, which mornings I haven't wake up feeling like this.
I read back on my previous post to find myself feeling almost exactly like how I was feeling.
But today, there was some form of self-reflection going on.

So the thing is, I have a choice in my actions that cause me to feel like this.
So one of them was about my sleeping cycle.
I sleep at 4-5 am lately and wake up 12-2pm.
And I remembered waking up at 5.30am the other time for a wedding shoot and not feeling any signs of a depressed soul.
But I could be wrong, maybe it's because there was work to do and I didn't have time to dwell into the cracks of my brain.
And then I look back to my army days... Well, that's self explanatory.
But I remembered feeling tired but not this kind of TIRED.
So I'm just thinking whether waking up early will make me feel better.

I googled about waking up late and depression the first thing when I woke up just now.
I didn't finish the article but I felt like I could relate to most of the things written.
It's been awhile since I read such things (for myself).
And to my surprise, it just dawned on me that I am, waking up feeling tired, isolating from social life (not really isolating but a lot less), did not enjoy work, lost interest in climbing.
I mean these are just signs of depression.
And I felt like I could very well be slipping back.
It's scary of course lol.

I don't know, at this point of time, with a positive side and negative side of me fighting constantly now, the only thoughts I hear are, I HAVE A CHOICE.
And to me it just means that, I have a choice to sleep earlier, and wake up earlier.
Don't have to rush to work immediately in the morning but maybe I'll feel better?
I want to try it but at the same time, it's like leaving this dark familiarity that offers some sort of comfort in me.

And yes back to the title, freelancing is tough.
I think the only thing I think about now is work, my edits, my finances, my future.
But I let them drown me to a point where I don't see the present.
On the bright side (lol), I'm left with one last edit to finish.
I'm like excited to shoot my own 1 min short film which I told Claire and Jun Wen about.
And both of them just tell me "JUST DO IT LA".
Like, it's really affirming.
And it gives me so much energy even if it's just a one-liner.
I'm letting too much self-doubt pull me down.

(Okay, wait a moment, I'm letting too much positivity get to me now)

You know those moments when you suddenly feel like wew, you can achieve everything as long as you set your mind to it.
Yeah, I wrote until I had that moment lol.
But okay, I'm gonna eat lunch, I'm a hungry man.

My takeaway from this post:
YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
Let you guys know if I actually try sleeping earlier and waking up earlier.

Thanks for being in my life guyz.