It's a really tough period of time for me.
The hardest part of it is putting these feelings into words.
Pockets of insanity through the day.
I can't even control my emotions in front of people.
Not functional.
I'm going to climb everyday from today on.
It's a goal that I've set for myself.
Conversations with people make me feel less understood.
I've been brushing it off too many times.
However, it's not that I can explain myself there and then on the spot.
Morning heads are screams.
I know it's getting worse.
Because the frequency of these thoughts popping are increasing.
It's like this negative ball of energy in me; it absorbs every rational thoughts of mine.
I just can't get out these days.
It feels so TRAPPED.
A cage that my mind has built.
The steels are getting stronger.
And I've lost that key to open it.
I know it's getting worse.
I need to find the key soon.
Before this trapped animal in me unleash its ugly side.
Hissing at whoever that tries to open the cage.
If only words could.
I think it's the darkness in the world I see that makes things so indescribable.
Sorry, I don't mean see.
Feel.
It's an oppressing omen.
Like watching a horror film.
Or rather, being in a horror film.
You're helpless.
And just awaiting that jump scare.
Your heart beats increase.
Beating to the unknowns of the future.
Irrationality is creeping in as I type this in the confined space of the toilet.
The morning sun just defines so much.
It's like I'm constantly in LIGHT.
But the mind is not taking in any bits of ray.
'I will not be shaken'
I hope?
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Friday, March 1, 2019
Been wondering
What's the cause of all my anxiousness this whole of recess week.
I think I've mentioned about 'near future' and 'far future'.
Both seems really intimidating to me.
My heart pumps really quickly whenever I think of them.
And the mind goes into an unstoppable frenzy.
The only answer I have is that school is ending in 7 weeks time.
The far future doesn't really affect me as much as the near future as I have all the time in my life after graduating to slowly settle down and decide what I really want to do after graduating.
However, the near future is just full of assignments and tests.
I'm just really scared that the amount of effort I'm putting into this semester doesn't allow me to graduate with honors.
Let's list down what I have.
1. PC4245 - I have been skipping class since week 3. Have no idea what the fuck is going on and I have a test coming this Thursday.
2. PC4228 - Even though I have been going to class 90% of the time, the whole module is just very uncertain. Like I don't know whether I can understand the mod if I study it so my brain just puts that aside completely.
For this two physics mod, it's just the annoying uncertain kind of anxiousness. Like I don't know what to expect of it. And I don't know what to do about this uncertainty. That's why it's always there.
3. TS2241 - I really enjoy this mod a lot. But the amount of time spent on this is really like 70% of the time I spent on school. But it justifies because I think it would be something very relatable when I graduate. Screenplay to be submitted near the same time as FYP. This mod is more of my FYP than my actual FYP lol.
4. NM3230 - This mod is fun too. But the idea of shooting a short doc instead of a short film makes things less motivated for me. I'm glad my group members are nice though. And yup, the submission of the short doc is also around the same period of time as FYP.
I've learnt so much more applicable stuff in this two mods as compared to whatever I did since Year 1 as a physics major. Regrets choosing the wrong path but I'm not complaining because I do enjoy certain topics of physics.
5. FYP - This is affecting me so much. Like the amount of uncertainty compared to the dateline 5 April, nothing is happening. It's been like that since last year. I kinda hate my prof for being too lax on me. But then again, no one should spoonfeed me lol. Fucking unmotivated for something I'm not even interested in. I just want to pass all my physics thing. Like 1,2 and 5. They are the things that I am unconfident in and they worry me so fucking bad every single morning I wake up because it's so bad to a point where I think it is indeed possible to DA BAO them to Y5S1.
6. NSBC - Admist all the worries for all my school stuffs, I want to do well for NSBC too. Because it's the last time I am competing for NUS and I really want to try my very best. But just looking at the amount of work I have to do, I feel like I am in a struggle of wanting to give this up and then the priority question pops out in my mind.
This last 7 weeks is so fearful for me. I forsee myself breaking down and going crazy and stuff. One of the worst 7 weeks for me. I think it'd be as crazy as the BA PD period.
Right.. talking about BA, BA videos for 2019 hasn't started yet too.
Lastly, I'm glad to have grown closer to her. She calms me down and reminds me that human relationship is still the top priority in my life. Thanks b
I think I've mentioned about 'near future' and 'far future'.
Both seems really intimidating to me.
My heart pumps really quickly whenever I think of them.
And the mind goes into an unstoppable frenzy.
The only answer I have is that school is ending in 7 weeks time.
The far future doesn't really affect me as much as the near future as I have all the time in my life after graduating to slowly settle down and decide what I really want to do after graduating.
However, the near future is just full of assignments and tests.
I'm just really scared that the amount of effort I'm putting into this semester doesn't allow me to graduate with honors.
Let's list down what I have.
1. PC4245 - I have been skipping class since week 3. Have no idea what the fuck is going on and I have a test coming this Thursday.
2. PC4228 - Even though I have been going to class 90% of the time, the whole module is just very uncertain. Like I don't know whether I can understand the mod if I study it so my brain just puts that aside completely.
For this two physics mod, it's just the annoying uncertain kind of anxiousness. Like I don't know what to expect of it. And I don't know what to do about this uncertainty. That's why it's always there.
3. TS2241 - I really enjoy this mod a lot. But the amount of time spent on this is really like 70% of the time I spent on school. But it justifies because I think it would be something very relatable when I graduate. Screenplay to be submitted near the same time as FYP. This mod is more of my FYP than my actual FYP lol.
4. NM3230 - This mod is fun too. But the idea of shooting a short doc instead of a short film makes things less motivated for me. I'm glad my group members are nice though. And yup, the submission of the short doc is also around the same period of time as FYP.
I've learnt so much more applicable stuff in this two mods as compared to whatever I did since Year 1 as a physics major. Regrets choosing the wrong path but I'm not complaining because I do enjoy certain topics of physics.
5. FYP - This is affecting me so much. Like the amount of uncertainty compared to the dateline 5 April, nothing is happening. It's been like that since last year. I kinda hate my prof for being too lax on me. But then again, no one should spoonfeed me lol. Fucking unmotivated for something I'm not even interested in. I just want to pass all my physics thing. Like 1,2 and 5. They are the things that I am unconfident in and they worry me so fucking bad every single morning I wake up because it's so bad to a point where I think it is indeed possible to DA BAO them to Y5S1.
6. NSBC - Admist all the worries for all my school stuffs, I want to do well for NSBC too. Because it's the last time I am competing for NUS and I really want to try my very best. But just looking at the amount of work I have to do, I feel like I am in a struggle of wanting to give this up and then the priority question pops out in my mind.
This last 7 weeks is so fearful for me. I forsee myself breaking down and going crazy and stuff. One of the worst 7 weeks for me. I think it'd be as crazy as the BA PD period.
Right.. talking about BA, BA videos for 2019 hasn't started yet too.
Lastly, I'm glad to have grown closer to her. She calms me down and reminds me that human relationship is still the top priority in my life. Thanks b
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