Fucking bad day

I don't even know where to start.
Today sucked so bad.
The dark clouds kept hovering over my head.
Not giving me a chance to breathe.
I'm tired, I just want to close my eyes and let all these thoughts disappear.
But whenever I close my eyes, the thoughts came roaring, even louder.
I don't like my mind today.
I woke up feeling the pain in my stomach, and the mind was just going everywhere.
It's like the background noise of a TV or a radio.
It's just always there no matter how much I try to switch my mind off.
It's dark, and I don't want to live.
I can't see reality through the pair of eyes.
It's not even a feeling of pain.
It's a sudden urge to just disappear and not be where I am.
I don't know it's fucking scary.
'Weak minded'
I guess you're right.
My mind is weak, I am the most useless human right now.
I feel as if all my failures and wrong decisions are being pinned down on me right now.
I want out.
But here I am sitting on the bustling train.
Peoole are talking about how their day went.
Talkimg about work.
It's pretty distracting but enough to silence the background noise away.
I am so damn tired.
Tired of myself.
I don't know why this sem feels like Y2S2.
Not going for lectures, crying on rooftop.
Feeling so alone even with all my friends around.
And it's been happening more often these days.
I don't know what is happening.
Crumbling of whatever that I've set out to do.
I'm not doing anything right for the past few weeks.

Fleeting thought

"Why not just end this since it's so painful to think"

Updates

It's a really scary semester.
There's is so much things to do an the inertia to do things is just stacking non-stop.
Things that scare me are my two UEs.
I think the workload for both will be pretty intense.
Writing a short film feels like it's a very intimidating class but I got the module nevertheless and I really want to learn as much as possible.
Photographic and video storytelling is different in the sense that I feel like it's an interesting mod but I'm just worried about the workload.
Wilfred's video which is due mid February.
BA's video which is going to pile up soon I think.
Exco and the team.
FYP (the one that gives me the most jitter now)

Woke up this morning feeling nothing and everything.
It was a heavy morning for me.
Mind's clearing up now though that's why I can type a little.
Am sitting in AMK library right now and just thinking about all the things.
It's so overwhelming but I guess I have to think about all these things sooner or later.

It's a semester or a year that I told myself to learn to focus on the task at hand.
Wouldn't say that it is not working entirely because I am more conscious now when I am wasting my time and procrastinating or when I am distracted by my own thoughts
But still, it is tough for me to catch my own thoughts wandering somewhere else when I am doing work.
Just take FYP for an example.
My first presentation is due next Friday.
But I am thinking about the two UEs.
Thinking about the story that I want to write.
So whenever something interesting come up my mind, I will write in down as draft on my Whatsapp.
These are the few things that I've written down.

The Black Cat Spectacles Colours Time Social media Dimensions Tying of shoelace Being able to do anything you want like in lucid dream In a dimension where no one can hear you

These are all from different moments in my awake time and I wish to fill up more so that I can see what kind of genre my short film is going to go.
It's pretty interesting to catch random thoughts and put them into simple short sentences or just a word.

And yup, look how far I have digressed from talking about my FYP lol.
I think my FYP is really quite a burdensome thing.
I get so easily distracted when I'm doing FYP and I really don't like it.
Sometimes when I'm climbing too.
I get so easily distracted from my thoughts and I often can't climb as well.

I guess it's really a reminder to myself to be able to focus on my task and do it well.
Be in the present and let distractions flow through.
Accept the fact that I can't do things when I am thinking too much and don't blame myself for being like that.
Lol 13 weeks to next phase, technically 3 months and 12 more days to the end of my paper.
The countdown to my next phase in life is so real and it's scary man.

In the midst of all this chaos,
I'm glad to have met you and got closer to you.
Head becomes quieter when I'm around you.
Just afraid of dependency.
I don't want to go back to how I was as a person.

Explode

Damn. It's a class of 10 and I'm the only guy. And everyone else seems so ATAS and I just feel like I don't fit in but I think I really enjoy the idea of this module. It was so stressful when the lecturer ask me questions and I'm like blank. Lol feels abit like the philo mod tutorials when everyone is just talking and I'm just an awkward pie. Think I felt very uneasy throughout that 3 hours and I don't really like it. But damnnnn the idea of writing my own story is so interesting so I don't know whether I want to drop it. Decisions, decisions. I think I'll just try and take it. Hope I don't get judged too badly. Probably won't make any friends hahaha but really really want to learn something out of this.

Just thinking

It feels like the more we go into adulthood, the less people talk about their emotions.

Thanks for the company

The head stopped travelling once I saw you.

It's nice to see

That everyone has their own comfort group.

The delusions of time

Time is all but an illusion isn't it.
What does it actually measure?
Power of now?
Isn't that more important than anything else?
To be living where our minds are.