Messy situations

I feel so aimless these few weeks.
Climbing wise, BA wise, and basically just my academics.
It feels so... I don't even how to explain.
Kinda like an analogy of how I'm feeling about myself.
Climbing shitty makes me feel incapable of myself.
And not having any plans for BA when time is running so close.
Nothing is moving.
No fucking momentum at all.
And I'm so worried about this whole thing.
And you know like climbing lousily makes things worse because somehow BA's just at the back of my mind when I climb.
I hate it that I lose the focus for climbing.
Been climbing really bad.
I don't even know how to say how bad it is?
Like I can't even finish red at BW on Saturday training.
So many times in training when I just feel like breaking down.
But I just hold it in because it'll just feel crazy to other people.
Not able to finish a route only, so dramatic.
Sometimes it's not about the route at all.
It's when the route suddenly holds all your life decision and your worries and pain with it.
And you can't deal with it.
And the mind just keeps telling you that it's the same with your life.
You suck.
You can't do anything right.

Fuck off.

Been quite a crazy 4 weeks

Things that have been bothering me quite the most is really climbing.

Actually just this week, been having too many bad days in climbing.

Well, I've been looking up things about body awareness, proprioception in particular and I've been feeling my body a lot more on the wall.

And when I am aware of my body, I'll consciously ask myself like how the sloper feel, how much strength am I using, where's my CG, if I lower my CG does it make it easier, can I use my shoulder instead of my biceps, try the lats, try the hips, how does the tile feel, which part of my finger is pain, etc.

And honestly it has made me improve as a climber for sure.

Just that it annoys me pretty bad when I lose this awareness.

And like I can't get it back in that same session until the next session.

It has been happening for a week or so.

That aside, trekkinn is taking forever to deliever my shoes.

I've been climbing with a hole as big as a 50 cent coin.

Some footholds are even smaller than the hole.

Which means yea I'm stepping on my feet and absolutely feeling the tile.

Developed some weird tough callus that Mun called mammoth skin.

Yeah anyway other than climbing, wanna talk about my philo class.

Epistemology.

It's really interesting.

The module.

But wew it stresses me really much when I have to go for tutorial.

Because all the other students are so freaking smart and I'm just like a physics student.

I've never felt so inferior in my life ever.

Like seriously, all of them are freaking smart.

And that aside, BA has been causing me to be super stress this few days.

And I feel like it's also the cause of me climbing bad.

Like idk, I feel like I'm the only one starting to panic for this.

There's so many things to do and nothing is confirmed.

It sucks la.

Gonna take a 5 days break from every thing and enjoy myself in BKK in the next couple of days.

Flying on the saturday afternoon with my family.

2nd overseas trip as a family of 5 in my life.

19 years ago hahaha.

Quite excited!!

And that also means I'm screwed for my paper on 23rd.

I have astrophysics and photonics on that day.

And in addition an essay to be submitted.

I swear this is the busiest point of my life.

I've never had so many things to juggle with.

Just kinda hope things can start moving soon.

And I really hope my team can get in line with my thoughts.

Seem sucky to be the only one panicking.

And please, climb better.

Taking a week break from climbing as well.

Nights all.

Happy CNY

It hurts

To see that we're all a little different when we're back here.
We were all different persons.
I miss seeing everyone truly happy.
And not just smiling or laughing with work / problems at the back of their mind.
I wanna go back.
I miss feeling that way.
And not this fucking fake shit face I'm giving everyday now.
It hurts.
It fucking hurts.
It comes out in burst.
Tearing every patches of rationality along the way.