That comfort

Is lost and well hidden.
From other's conversations.

Im sorry

If nothing has evoked this feeling,
maybe this pain would never have existed.
Things would have been so plain,
as if nothing happened.

Sometimes

I feel that it's not a healthy comparison.
To see who's less cared for / who's less forgotten.
We only have ourself to pick ourself up.

Walked out of the house

I didn't know how the conversation became anger.
And I didn't know how it just keeps building up.
I just needed some alone time from all that has happened in India.
I ain't ready to listen to you go non stop about you caring about me and as if I don't know that.
I'm sorry I walked out of the house.
And it sucks because I can't use Chinese to explain to you the pain of what I'm feeling about everything.
About not caring about anything, the freedom I felt when I was in India.
The lack of care, the lack of concern.
That's when I truly understand that I need to care for myself more.
The last night in Hampi, I cried because of you.
I cried because I wasn't a good enough son.
I cried because I couldn't communicate with you about the pain I've felt about this world and the people around me.
I cried because there's so much things that has happened since growing up that I needed to deal with myself .
It's not anything that you can help me with.
And I know that your caring is enough.
But sometimes seriously, it's too much and I'm suffocating.
I'm fcking 23 years old.
I have a mind of my own.
Stop trapping me and making me feel like a bad kid as if I don't know about it.
Stop reminding me about how much you care for me because it just reminds me of how little I've done for you in return.
I'm sorry that I'm the anomaly of the family.
And it really really sucks to be that way.
I wish I could show you this post and somehow miraculously you can understand me but no.
And maybe that's why I cried so hard on the last night.
Because I knew that I need to face you again.
And be that unfilial son that never ever thought about your well intentions.
I'm sorry.
That I walked out.
This whole physical action of me leaving the house isn't helping the fact that I'm grown up and I don't want you to worry so much about me.
But then again, I've hurt you too many times.
I don't think I'll ever be able to return you in anyways.
I'm sorry that my head got out of hand at home.

And bam

you appeared right in my face.
So glad to see that you're okay.
Was about to break.
I don't know what you're thinking about.
And it scares me so real bad.
I'm just hoping that you won't have to deal with a crazy dude like me on top of your things.

Alcohol broke the silence

The pain seeped through all the cracks.

And right out from inside.

Maybe silence was the better alternative.

I spoke too much.

Let's just leave this like that.

Fuck.

Another love

I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care
But it's so cold and I don't know where
I brought you daffodils in a pretty string
But they won't flower like they did last spring

And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright
I'm just so tired to share my nights
I wanna cry and I wanna love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up

Oh oh 
And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight
But my hands been broken, one too many times
So I'll use my voice, I'll be so fucking rude
Words they always win, but I know I'll lose

And I'd sing a song, that'd be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry I wanna learn to love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up

Oh oh 
(Oh, need a love, now, my heart is thinking of)
I wanna sing a song, that'd be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry, I wanna fall in love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up oh oh

It's been quite some time

Since a route gave me such anxiousness / fear.
Like the first thing when I woke up is "You haven't sent that route"
Even when I'm studying just now, it just keeps popping out in my head.
Not sure whether it's the right choice to try the route again just now.
It made my skin hurt and also made me feel so frustrated.
And then after frustration came all the self inducing pain.
Sigh.
Just let me link it soon.

Khon Kaen V2

Keep thinking about this route while I'm studying.
It's been a while since I've got a project in mind.
But wew, I hate it when it isn't the route that is very hard.
It's the mind playing tricks on me whenever I climb that route.
2 sessions and still counting.
Skin really raw af.
Shall try it again tomorrow after my paper.
Arghhhhh.