It cycles

Everyday.
The thoughts.
And the pain.
When can I be logical / clear enough to look at this loop from the outside?

Solitude

should not scare me that much.
Somewhere along the timeline it tilted.

Time

Voices echo over labyrinth
Some clear, others faint
Which do I heed
Maybe none at all

Time is what I need.

I'm hanging on tight

To another wild day.

Fuzz

When you know you have so many thoughts you have to settle,
but you realised it's too much.
And you just let new problems cover them.
And feel some sort of fuzz over all the buried thoughts.

And one day when you decide to dig it up...

Loop

People like us will find this too familiar.
A loop.
That keeps going on and on.
To break that loop, something has to stop.
And it isn't possible if you don't realise the loop.
An example of my typical mind loop goes like that

1. Triggers occur
2. Feels the need to look for a reliable person to scream out my thoughts
3. Feels like maybe talking isn't going to change anything and the person will just be tired one day
4. Asks whether the person is tired and worries that the process of asking is actually tiring that person out
5. Reassurance from the person that he/she isn't but don't fully trust it (not like we don't want to but it's hard)
6. Self-thoughts about how this loop isn't healthy - to be so reliant on someone for that reassurance yet asking rhetorical question about "what I should do"
7. Proceeds life as per normal. With additional input of everyday life's happening.
8. Thoughts build up. Usually those with negative connotation about how I'm such a reliant person, how tiring it is for people to hang out with me etc
9. Triggers occur easily

It's just been going on like this for awhile now.
It does really feel like there's no end to this.
And I just want to thank those people who have stayed by my side even though they might not understand this loop of mine.
I don't know what had happened to me through this period of time and I'm trying hard to find some familiarity back too.
Maybe I have changed maybe I didn't.
But these thoughts are definitely unhealthy for me.
I need to break out of this loop.
And only I can do it.
Doubtful but I know I need to.
For the better of everyone, and ultimately myself.

Need to learn to be okay with myself.
Before I am stable enough, to be a more understanding person.
To be a listening ear that my friends had looked for before these changes.

It's a crazy loop.
I don't know how long it will last
But I know it will end
Or at least, I know I will be at peace with it one day.
With faith.

Breath stinks

Borrowed happiness wasn't the best idea.
It sucked out too much from me.
I haven't seen the morning bustling in this light for some time.
23
It's been a pretty rough year and I can't really forsee how the next 365 days going to be.
Don't think the darkness will go away but I guess I'm getting pretty used to it.
I need time.
I need to reverse time.
So much regrets to the things I've done.
So much pain I've gone through alone.
Who hears?
Who have heard the screams in my head?
Who can feel what I'm really feeling?
But then again, how much can I feel for other people.
It's logically unfair for people hear me if they have their own head to worry about.
Yet, sometimes I wonder how much pain they have gone through.
This sem feels like it's going to be all too different.
I shiver at the thought of school.
At the ability of how school just takes thoughts away and distracts you from it.
I don't think I should avoid what my head is telling me sometimes.
Climbing can be a great distraction.
Alcohol too.
But alcohol works both way, it can either be a distraction or it can be a gateway to how I'm feeling.
Not really in the best state to blog now.
Shall stop this right here.

All the ingredients

To a horrifying morning.

During revovery

There's two kind of friends.
One gives you a hand and pull you up irregardless whether you're ready or not.
The other sits beside you and wait till you're ready to stand up on your own.

Self-love

and there's self-doubts.

Clarity

comes after the fog leaves.
But sometimes this fog stays for too long.
Depleting and erasing the memories of clarity.

It haunts me

Just like how I haunt you

The monsters waiting

As the sun rise.

That 3 hours

Now I got some clarity

To show you what I mean

That one route

That may seem nothing to others.
But it's a monster that I need to fight within.
I lost to it.

So broken

I don't even know where to start picking up these pieces

As the war horn sounds

The internal battle begins
Who knows when this war will end?
But for you who see this war,
Be patient as the war will eventually end.
Be patient...
Be safe...

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking my habits (I've really tried)
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I wanna let go

of all the pain I've felt so long

Every step that I take

is another mistake to you

Linkin Park's lyrics

never apply so much to me.
Just tonight I guess.
Let it embrace me.
RIP Chester.
You've fought hard.

Screams rebounding

Every corner in my head.
But there's no way of letting it out somehow.
While the echoes intensifies...

Felt exactly like my dreams

It shouldn't hurt so bad

Waiting in the noise

Open man

It has been a hell of a journey for me ever since Asian Youth Championship (AYC).
Was glad to be given the opportunity to be the official photographer for AYC together with Jon.
And it all started from there.
It was just an amazing 5 days at Gorilla Gym, even though it was really very tiring to cover the event with just two photographers.
But other than that, watching young athletes fight so hard for something was really worth it.
And it made me ponder about how much I've actually put into something that I've really wanted.
The Japanese youths especially, I can see in their eyes when I take photographs of them.
How much they've been through and how much they really wanted something.
Shouts, screams, cries, or just the laughter when they enjoy each other's company.
It just felt very thought provoking.
What caused them to cry?
How can they feel so much at such a young age?
And it was from then, I felt like I needed to do something about my climbing journey.
Boulderactive (BA) was next.
Watching Futaba climb and compete with the local athletes.
There's just something about her.
Something in such a young athlete.
It just felt so different at a local competition as compared to AYC.
The local competition felt small, and I could see how different Futaba was during AYC and during BA.
She's less stressful, but her focus was still the same when she climbs.
For my own Inter man Qualis during BA, I told myself that if only I have their level of focus, I should be able to do it too.
And so I put some pressure on myself, and hope that I can do something more than usual.
But the results were just so bad.
But I knew that my body wasn't ready for it because I was sick and I had been working everyday and sleeping for 3-4 hours a day everyday ever since AYC.
Then came the smoke break with Daryl Tang outside Aperia mall.
When I shared what I've been through the whole of AYC, all the emotions I've seen in that 5 days.
He told me he was damn psyched to train hard too.
And so days after BA, I just started climbing everyday.
BA ended on 16 July and I started climbing on the 17.
And on 18,19.20,22, 23,24,25,26  and 27 was the start of Transend 2017.

To be very honest, I wasn't aiming for anything much except to be able to get into semi finals.
And it was more of me wanting to win the fight with my head and learning my mistakes through this competition.
And so came qualifiers on Friday and I managed to get a 2T4 which made me qualified for semi finals as position 14th.
Route 4 was really the saving grace when I had no more energy and decided to sit in all the way, and luckily I could end the route without doing the intended beta of high stepping.
I was telling Khai on the way home how surreal I felt to be in semi finals like wew, I'm going to be doing OMQ routes, confirm eat shit.
And the first few hours after knowing I'm in semis I just told myself "lol do OMQ route, zero expectations sia"
But the few hours before I went to sleep, I couldn't sleep well.
My heart was beating fast, and I know I had expectations for myself.
Then came the voices telling me that "Expect what, you're not even there yet."
I even searched online for nutrition tips and stuffs like that.
Watched ashima's climbing video and practising breathing before I head to sleep.
And lots of nonsense things I've done to make myself feel better.
I can tell you truthfully that it really wasn't easy feat to be able to fight that anxiety.
But somehow, I knew that I could convince myself for the better.

And the next day during semi-finals, I listened to Khai and repeated what I've did the previous day.
So hydration, stretches, carbo breakfast, coke, warm up three times, sleep.
When it was during IMSF, route 1 had the longest queue I've ever seen in my life.
Lol, it took me 5 mins to queue for the route.
And the voices were coming back at me "You queue so long better flash if not you waste time"
"Lol also no one take video of you. Nobody cares whether you're going to make it to finals one la. Try so hard for what."
It hit me really hard when these words came in.
Especially the one about nobody cares.
It literally hurts when my mind believed them.
I kept going on and on about how everyone is just watching other climbers and not me.
And how insignificant I felt when I'm on the wall as compared to the rest of the competitors.
And I had to soften these voices by telling myself that I shouldn't even be thinking about all these things, it's the performance there and then on the wall that matters.
Like what they said "It's just you and the wall"
And I realised that I was actually breathing and was feeling so much less tense as compared to other competitions I've been through in my 6 years of climbing.
And I managed to flash route 1 while being very conscious about my thoughts and breathing.
Then came route 4, I repeated what I've done for route 1, convincing myself and softening the inner voices.
My first attempt felt so steady, and I was so glad that I'm able to fight those comp anxiety issues.
Though I never flash the route, I felt like my first attempt was better than my second (send) attempt.
And the results are out, same placing as Dave but my qualis were lower so I was 3rd instead of 2nd.
Jon didn't make it and I didn't know how to face him because we've been through AYC together and I've seen how his comp form had improved so much since then during BA and during qualifiers.
Only after the comp then I've realised he had a split, superglued it and still split.
Must have sucked really bad to be in that situation.
It's not even his fault man.

And yeah, the same thing happened after semi results were out.
First few hours "wtf I'm in finals? This is damn crazy. Siao can go finals happy already, no expectations"
Then the few hours before I sleep "Holy fk I'm damn stress. Can I really repeat what I did during semis and quali and keep calm"
And the self-convincing just came naturally like "Dude, you're just supposed to try your best. Try your very best on the wall. The only war you need to win is the one within."
And so, I repeated every single thing I've done for semis.
Copy paste "So hydration, stretches, carbo breakfast, coke, warm up three times, sleep."
When the whistle blew the next day when IMF starts, I felt pretty good.
But when it was me and Ayeisha's turn to come out, I started to get nervous.
When I sat on the crashpad, my eyes were looking around.
Saw my family, and tried not to get distracted.
Breathe right? I can do this right?
Just breathe.
But it wasn't working and I couldn't even realise I wasn't breathing properly.
When the whistle blew, I looked at the route and I was starting to get nervous.
Because the first two holds were shit and I didn't expect it at all.
Luckily, with that bad mental game, I just didn't let go despite how much I was shaking on the first hold. I knew I was safe once I touched the bonus because the behind was pretty fine for me.
So I finished route 1 in 3 attempts.
I knew I was still in the game and that made me super nervous.
Because I still had a chance to promote.
Eyes going everywhere in the crowd again.
Had to look down, remind myself to hydrate, stretch, check the time.
And lastly, keep it cool.
And graceful, like how the young athletes during AYC did.
Like how Ashima did in all her videos.
And with that, I flashed route 2 and I was honestly really freaking amazed by how my mind won the game with the devil on the other side of the mind.
Couldn't finish route 3 not because I was nervous, but I figured out the beta too late and my muscle was really just melting with lactic.
And when the results were out, I almost cried.
The sudden realisation that I'm now an open man.
This dream of mine since I've started climbing back in JC.
It felt so surreal.
I didn't even know what to say.
When people run to you and tell you congrats and I'm like so overwhelmed.
It was a bittersweet feeling though, because out of the 4 NUS climbers that got into finals, only me and Khai made it to podium.

This comp has taught me so much.
Not just in competition / climbing wise.
But so much more about my own metal state.
The way I fought with my head made me realised that the devil won't always win.
I had a say in all that's going on in my head.
And I have the ability to control what I think.
With a few breaths, and self-convincing, unreal thoughts will cease to exist in this dimension.

It's been a long time since I wrote something that I want people to read about.
But this is my story.
An unforgettable experience with myself indeed.

But seriously really ah, no one take video of me except my family ah shagz
NO ONE CARES.
lol.
Time to sleep.