Just a random thought

I'm scared to see familiar faces in public.
Not because I can't maintain small talks.
But it's just stressful to pretend that I'm still the same and that life has been fine for me.
And that I haven't changed a single bit since we last conversed.
And the urge to explain how I'm going through my life day to day but get rejeceted by myself convincing me that they won't understand.
I guess some people do understand.
And I'm glad that I can count on these people.
But sometimes even if they do understand I'll feel like they have no time to spare to listen to me.
And I'd tell myself that everyone has their own problems, no one has time to deal with my bullshit.

I guess it's kinda fine when my head is clear.
But when the head is clear, I'll somehow know that it'll come again and I'm just helpless when it comes.
That uneasy feeling hits me every time I'm alone in the morning.
But at least not when I wake up now.
It's like talking about this uneasiness brings it out right now as I'm typing this.
And for that moment it's just questioning why I'm feeling this uneasiness and nothing else.
Kind of an inability to think about proper stuffs.
It's like the more I question myself the more confused I get yet somehow I want to know more but there's nothing to know more about in the first place.
Like there's so much doubt about myself?
Doubting my own emotions and about how these thoughts get into my head.
And if someone were to ask me what thoughts?
I'd probably say I don't know.
It's like a mass of connections and disconnections going on in your head in split seconds.
Crippling the ability to even catch a glimpse of what's going on.

Okay too much shit