Felt like it has been years since I've talked to you like that.
It was nice being able to be your listening ear and listening to your problems.
Like what you said, it distracts away from my own issues.
Thanks for being a decade year old friend.
I'm sorry I've rejected you for drinks or supper etc.
I'm just tired to socialise sometimes.
But today it felt really good just sitting downstairs your house and talking like how we used to last time.
You made me realised physically that it's true that other people have their own problems.
And that everyone has their own priorities in life that's why friends start to meet less.
But that doesn't mean they don't care.
I'm glad you talked to me and even though we didn't really say anything much about our problems, at least we shared similar things that we can relate to.
Things like opening up to someone and expecting them to open up to you.
And like how it's not right to expect that.
Though I didn't say anything much, it was nice just to be listening to you.
"Don't lose yourself" was probably the most triggering words.
I guess I'm still me.
Just a little different, but it's still me.
Thanks~~~~~
Monday, January 30, 2017
Friday, January 20, 2017
Beating kids
Sitting on the bus while listening to a businessman in his well dressed formal dress beating his around 2 years old daughter.
Scolding her for crying and beating her to keep her quiet while she keeps shouting for her mum.
Just thought about my parents beating me since young and at 22 right now I'm glad they did.
I'm glad they brought me up this way despite me hating that they did.
It always felt like they didn't love me enough to understand what I've got to say.
But as I'm thinking now, I'm so glad I didn't turn out into someone without thoughts.
I can't imagine myself to not be a person who think so much.
About everything.
Maybe because I wanted a reason for everything.
But yet when they don't explain to me, I think.
I started thinking at a very young age.
Pondering about the future me when I was in primary school.
Just what do I want in life.
Maybe till now I still don't know what I want.
But I'm really grateful that my parents have treated me so strictly when I was young.
I can't imagine an insensitive weepin and just enjoying life in the wrong ways.
Hmmm.
Just wondering about how I'll turn out as a person if not for my parents though.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Just a random thought
I'm scared to see familiar faces in public.
Not because I can't maintain small talks.
But it's just stressful to pretend that I'm still the same and that life has been fine for me.
And that I haven't changed a single bit since we last conversed.
And the urge to explain how I'm going through my life day to day but get rejeceted by myself convincing me that they won't understand.
I guess some people do understand.
And I'm glad that I can count on these people.
But sometimes even if they do understand I'll feel like they have no time to spare to listen to me.
And I'd tell myself that everyone has their own problems, no one has time to deal with my bullshit.
I guess it's kinda fine when my head is clear.
But when the head is clear, I'll somehow know that it'll come again and I'm just helpless when it comes.
That uneasy feeling hits me every time I'm alone in the morning.
But at least not when I wake up now.
It's like talking about this uneasiness brings it out right now as I'm typing this.
And for that moment it's just questioning why I'm feeling this uneasiness and nothing else.
Kind of an inability to think about proper stuffs.
It's like the more I question myself the more confused I get yet somehow I want to know more but there's nothing to know more about in the first place.
Like there's so much doubt about myself?
Doubting my own emotions and about how these thoughts get into my head.
And if someone were to ask me what thoughts?
I'd probably say I don't know.
It's like a mass of connections and disconnections going on in your head in split seconds.
Crippling the ability to even catch a glimpse of what's going on.
Okay too much shit
Thursday, January 12, 2017
One and a half years
since we last met.
But it's nice to know that maybe you've changed but not as drastic as I thought you would.
It's nice talking to you again, and this time all so different as compared to the other time.
I enjoyed listening to what you've been up to all this while.
And like realised that you're still the same in certain sense.
And the best part of today's meetup was really just telling you about everything I've felt over the past years and things that have happened to me.
It felt soooooooooooooooooo freaking good to be able to be so open to you.
It's like maybe I'm scared of being judged a little but it's really cool that you just listened without really saying anything.
And maybe it felt a little awkward for me at times.
Like when there's silence, but I like how you just "Eh you feeling awkward ah?"
HAHAHA
Hope that we'll still be able to catch up again.
And this time it'll be you jio-ing me.
Quite confident that you'll jio me so please don't disappoint me HAHAHA.
If not means I jio you again in 2018.
Thanks.
It really meant ALOT to me to be able to say everything I've been wanting to say.
And like realising that I can tell this story to 100 people over the past 5 years but just telling you cleared all the recurring thoughts in my head.
It feels so refreshing in a way.
And it feels like we're restarting our friendship all over again.
It's really nice.
Thanks Sherine! :)
But it's nice to know that maybe you've changed but not as drastic as I thought you would.
It's nice talking to you again, and this time all so different as compared to the other time.
I enjoyed listening to what you've been up to all this while.
And like realised that you're still the same in certain sense.
And the best part of today's meetup was really just telling you about everything I've felt over the past years and things that have happened to me.
It felt soooooooooooooooooo freaking good to be able to be so open to you.
It's like maybe I'm scared of being judged a little but it's really cool that you just listened without really saying anything.
And maybe it felt a little awkward for me at times.
Like when there's silence, but I like how you just "Eh you feeling awkward ah?"
HAHAHA
Hope that we'll still be able to catch up again.
And this time it'll be you jio-ing me.
Quite confident that you'll jio me so please don't disappoint me HAHAHA.
If not means I jio you again in 2018.
Thanks.
It really meant ALOT to me to be able to say everything I've been wanting to say.
And like realising that I can tell this story to 100 people over the past 5 years but just telling you cleared all the recurring thoughts in my head.
It feels so refreshing in a way.
And it feels like we're restarting our friendship all over again.
It's really nice.
Thanks Sherine! :)
Thursday, January 5, 2017
There are times
When I wished that I don't have to put myself in everybody's mind.
It's like living everybody's life through their shoes all at once.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Sunday, January 1, 2017
2016
2016 has been a seemingly long year.
First half of the year was a recovery year.
Second half of the year was a year where life happened.
It's almost impossible for me to type out how this year has been for me.
There's just too many things that happened.
But I guess we'll go with milestones.
Bali with Wilfred, Chin Yue and Ping Teck during Summer was short but Bali being Bali, it has its own magnificent happenings over there.
Even though it's just a short trip, it allowed me to understand certain pain that people feel everyday.
I guess it's just becoming more empathising.
And I really enjoyed the trip because it digs me deep in and allow me to understand what I really feel about things.
Fear has never been so near to me before.
I felt everything that night.
It was living.
And it was death too.
My life seemed to be withdrawn from this society this year.
It's nice to be reminded about my own values.
And I'm glad that through this year, I've learnt a lot about my feelings and emotions.
I've learnt a lot about friends and interactions.
And I've learnt a lot about the fragility of life.
And I'm glad that through the phase of friends distancing, I've realised who are the people who really cares about my doings and life.
I'm just feeling so much more this year.
All the tears that has been let out reminded me of who I am.
Though sometimes it might still seem like it made me lose myself even more.
Thoughts do get tangled sometimes and it seems like everything my head is saying is true.
But when the brain stables down, you know that both identity belongs to you.
Though I still question about my identity every time when thoughts get hay wired.
It's hard when you're in it.
You tell yourself that it's temporary.
Yet you get frustrated when you can't get out of the black pit.
And then you accept it because you can't get out.
Because the more you struggle, the harder it tries to pull you in.
It's dark and hopeless down there.
It must be painful to live down there every day.
It must be painful to see the light but not wanting to reach it because you're tired.
This whole year seemed to be revolving around one person.
And as much as everybody tells me that I need to open up to other people, they don't understand how much courage I need to do so.
This year has been what she called the pivotal moment in life.
And the phrase "pivotal moment" made me really calm about all the things that is happening.
It reminded me that change is happening, and that it is fine to be changing.
I can't deny that it gets tiring at times.
The uncertainty about everything makes me know how to treasure things better.
Being a saviour yet nobody recognises the effort can be painful sometimes.
Nobody knows that I gave another chance for that interaction they had.
That interaction felt like it has been taken for granted.
And sometimes to add on to it, the hatred at me for being the saviour.
I understand the pain yet what amount of pain is required to rationalise things.
Maybe all this happened because I had always like to put myself in other people's shoes.
But at this point of time, my shoe seemed to become odd-shaped.
It's not something anyone can understand and I don't blame my friends for not understanding.
I don't blame anyone for my state of being right now.
It is really not that bad.
It is bearable if anything.
And I'm really really glad that there are people that I've met/already in my life who has these odd-shaped shoes too.
Though sometimes I think that my shoes are odder, but I guess it's just different shapes.
And it's okay to not be understood completely.
You don't have to be understood completely.
To my best friend Chin Yue,
I'm glad that you're still sticking around despite all the things that had happened. Remember when I told you the two things when we went to eat ramen? You're one out of the two people who knows about all it. And though it seems like sometimes you might not understand certain things, but it's really just being around that helps. Remember one of my blog posts about "familiarity keeping sanity". And I'm just thankful that you've always been around so spontaneously. Be it drinking, prawning, dotaing, fishing or just spontaneous meetups. You've proved to me that friendship doesn't need to be meeting up everyday or talking to each other everyday. You've shown me that despite not meeting up for quite awhile, things might have changed in both of our lives but our friendship hasn't and it's really nice to know that. Oh ya, it's been 10 years of friendship in a few weeks time. Here's to another 10 years more~
To my tripping buddy Wei Lun,
I think you're one of the few who really understands about certain things. I guess it's because we've tripped before and we've seen similar things together. It's nice to be understood. And you being an English Lit student are able to put some of my thoughts into words. Incomprehensible thoughts become words. It's real nice because it helps. I really enjoyed our conversation at the staircase with the alcohol at NTU. The idea about perceived reality still kept me intrigued. And I'm excited about our next conversation about life.
To YY,
I guess you just left for exchange. You're probably one of the most short-changed friends I've had. And I'm really sorry about that. And I guess I can start by apologising about how I treat you throughout these times. And also about that period of time where we stopped talking. Maybe because I couldn't understand certain things. But I'd like to say thanks for being around too YY. Thanks for always checking up on me here and there. And I'm sorry that I treated you like shit. Even though you've said that it's okay and you're cool about it but I feel bad about it. It kind of hit me when you left through the departure hall yesterday night. I'm still unsure about how our friendship will go, but I'll put in more effort into this friendship. Thanks for being a great listening ear YY. "Date night" at george's when you're back. HAHA
To XX,
I guess it wasn't a very good start to this year lol. There's so many things that had happened between us and also to us. I'm glad that we're still talking. I can't express how grateful I am that we are still talking. From that day when I casually asked for your number, it's been 8 months. Why do I always feel like we've known each other for very long? But yet there are days where I feel like I've just met you. Like a new friend. You are by far one of the most interesting friend that I've ever had. Though sometimes you'd always put yourself down by saying that you've caused my life to go haywire, please trust me when I say that my life has been much more "life-full" after you stepped in. You're an amazing person and I really admire your courage. And I'm thankful that you have been around all these times. Or maybe it's just me being around you the whole time lol. But I'm just glad you're telling me things. And I'm also glad that I can be telling you things. It may seem like we're going nowhere sometimes, but I do not worry about how we are going to be in the future. It's painful sometimes we both know it, but it's painful in a way where it's living. Thanks xin! :)
After writing all these, I realised that sometimes I just feel like everyone is busy and nobody cares.
And it's ironic that I too don't "care" about people.
People do care but sometimes we don't see it or they don't show it.
Because the care we need sometimes comes in the form of visual and physical sense.
2016 has been amazing because I've grown closer to certain friends.
It made me cherish more about the people who cherish me.
The best kind of friendship is a fair one.
Like what I told Shu Zhen, "As long as the amount of effort put into a friendship is equal, nobody will get hurt. But if one puts more effort than the other, then that will be a problem."
2017 is here and I'm unsure about how it's going to be.
It may be worst or it may get better.
But I know that I'm able to pull through because of all these friends around me and I'm not afraid.
Bring it on 2017
First half of the year was a recovery year.
Second half of the year was a year where life happened.
It's almost impossible for me to type out how this year has been for me.
There's just too many things that happened.
But I guess we'll go with milestones.
Bali with Wilfred, Chin Yue and Ping Teck during Summer was short but Bali being Bali, it has its own magnificent happenings over there.
Even though it's just a short trip, it allowed me to understand certain pain that people feel everyday.
I guess it's just becoming more empathising.
And I really enjoyed the trip because it digs me deep in and allow me to understand what I really feel about things.
Fear has never been so near to me before.
I felt everything that night.
It was living.
And it was death too.
My life seemed to be withdrawn from this society this year.
It's nice to be reminded about my own values.
And I'm glad that through this year, I've learnt a lot about my feelings and emotions.
I've learnt a lot about friends and interactions.
And I've learnt a lot about the fragility of life.
And I'm glad that through the phase of friends distancing, I've realised who are the people who really cares about my doings and life.
I'm just feeling so much more this year.
All the tears that has been let out reminded me of who I am.
Though sometimes it might still seem like it made me lose myself even more.
Thoughts do get tangled sometimes and it seems like everything my head is saying is true.
But when the brain stables down, you know that both identity belongs to you.
Though I still question about my identity every time when thoughts get hay wired.
It's hard when you're in it.
You tell yourself that it's temporary.
Yet you get frustrated when you can't get out of the black pit.
And then you accept it because you can't get out.
Because the more you struggle, the harder it tries to pull you in.
It's dark and hopeless down there.
It must be painful to live down there every day.
It must be painful to see the light but not wanting to reach it because you're tired.
This whole year seemed to be revolving around one person.
And as much as everybody tells me that I need to open up to other people, they don't understand how much courage I need to do so.
This year has been what she called the pivotal moment in life.
And the phrase "pivotal moment" made me really calm about all the things that is happening.
It reminded me that change is happening, and that it is fine to be changing.
I can't deny that it gets tiring at times.
The uncertainty about everything makes me know how to treasure things better.
Being a saviour yet nobody recognises the effort can be painful sometimes.
Nobody knows that I gave another chance for that interaction they had.
That interaction felt like it has been taken for granted.
And sometimes to add on to it, the hatred at me for being the saviour.
I understand the pain yet what amount of pain is required to rationalise things.
Maybe all this happened because I had always like to put myself in other people's shoes.
But at this point of time, my shoe seemed to become odd-shaped.
It's not something anyone can understand and I don't blame my friends for not understanding.
I don't blame anyone for my state of being right now.
It is really not that bad.
It is bearable if anything.
And I'm really really glad that there are people that I've met/already in my life who has these odd-shaped shoes too.
Though sometimes I think that my shoes are odder, but I guess it's just different shapes.
And it's okay to not be understood completely.
You don't have to be understood completely.
To my best friend Chin Yue,
I'm glad that you're still sticking around despite all the things that had happened. Remember when I told you the two things when we went to eat ramen? You're one out of the two people who knows about all it. And though it seems like sometimes you might not understand certain things, but it's really just being around that helps. Remember one of my blog posts about "familiarity keeping sanity". And I'm just thankful that you've always been around so spontaneously. Be it drinking, prawning, dotaing, fishing or just spontaneous meetups. You've proved to me that friendship doesn't need to be meeting up everyday or talking to each other everyday. You've shown me that despite not meeting up for quite awhile, things might have changed in both of our lives but our friendship hasn't and it's really nice to know that. Oh ya, it's been 10 years of friendship in a few weeks time. Here's to another 10 years more~
To my tripping buddy Wei Lun,
I think you're one of the few who really understands about certain things. I guess it's because we've tripped before and we've seen similar things together. It's nice to be understood. And you being an English Lit student are able to put some of my thoughts into words. Incomprehensible thoughts become words. It's real nice because it helps. I really enjoyed our conversation at the staircase with the alcohol at NTU. The idea about perceived reality still kept me intrigued. And I'm excited about our next conversation about life.
To YY,
I guess you just left for exchange. You're probably one of the most short-changed friends I've had. And I'm really sorry about that. And I guess I can start by apologising about how I treat you throughout these times. And also about that period of time where we stopped talking. Maybe because I couldn't understand certain things. But I'd like to say thanks for being around too YY. Thanks for always checking up on me here and there. And I'm sorry that I treated you like shit. Even though you've said that it's okay and you're cool about it but I feel bad about it. It kind of hit me when you left through the departure hall yesterday night. I'm still unsure about how our friendship will go, but I'll put in more effort into this friendship. Thanks for being a great listening ear YY. "Date night" at george's when you're back. HAHA
To XX,
I guess it wasn't a very good start to this year lol. There's so many things that had happened between us and also to us. I'm glad that we're still talking. I can't express how grateful I am that we are still talking. From that day when I casually asked for your number, it's been 8 months. Why do I always feel like we've known each other for very long? But yet there are days where I feel like I've just met you. Like a new friend. You are by far one of the most interesting friend that I've ever had. Though sometimes you'd always put yourself down by saying that you've caused my life to go haywire, please trust me when I say that my life has been much more "life-full" after you stepped in. You're an amazing person and I really admire your courage. And I'm thankful that you have been around all these times. Or maybe it's just me being around you the whole time lol. But I'm just glad you're telling me things. And I'm also glad that I can be telling you things. It may seem like we're going nowhere sometimes, but I do not worry about how we are going to be in the future. It's painful sometimes we both know it, but it's painful in a way where it's living. Thanks xin! :)
After writing all these, I realised that sometimes I just feel like everyone is busy and nobody cares.
And it's ironic that I too don't "care" about people.
People do care but sometimes we don't see it or they don't show it.
Because the care we need sometimes comes in the form of visual and physical sense.
2016 has been amazing because I've grown closer to certain friends.
It made me cherish more about the people who cherish me.
The best kind of friendship is a fair one.
Like what I told Shu Zhen, "As long as the amount of effort put into a friendship is equal, nobody will get hurt. But if one puts more effort than the other, then that will be a problem."
2017 is here and I'm unsure about how it's going to be.
It may be worst or it may get better.
But I know that I'm able to pull through because of all these friends around me and I'm not afraid.
Bring it on 2017
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