Depresso 2

I didn't even know I blogged last night lol.

But it was quite a intense night.

These days feel like a fucking mess waiting to happen.

My heart wrenches at how I'm unable to feel.

I'm so numb from my own lifestyle.

Gaming till 6am, going in and out of my room just to smoke.

Months are so quiet that it makes the inner demon scream so loud.

My dad asked if I was earning enough,

And asking why I'm sleeping so late.

How do I answer these questions that I myself have no answers for?

While I was high 5 days ago, I recalled how happy I was when the only problem I had was,

What Ice Cream do I want?

And also watching Grampians video yesterday just makes me miss the me over there.

Such simple life.

Recently I was wondering, if my parents aren't around anymore.

Would I be more at peace with myself.

The fear of being a burden would be less right?

At the end of this post,

I'm just glad I still have this safe space to vomit.

I'm turning 30 so soon.

Idk why it scares me so much.

Weird end but ok.

Bye.

Depresso

Just watched last year's Grampian's video and realised I missed you so much.

It's kinda sad that I still don't know how you feel and all.

But I'm still glad to feel what I felt back then after watching the video. 

And that's the power of videography / film.

Like a few days back when I was high and watched Your Name.

These 2 moments reminded me how important film is to me.

And rewatching Grampian's video made me realise how good my cut were. 

I hope to do a very good job for DT and Ah Chir.

I love both of them so much hahahaha. 

It's a quiet year so far over here

I wonder if this means I'm good in general.

If I honestly ask myself, I think I'm quite caught in between.

There are days where I feel I'm enough, and days that I don't. 

Turning 30 in 2 months is pretty scary too.

Especially when I notice people who are in their mid 40s to 60s more.

I wonder if they had achieved whatever they had set out to.

It's kinda a weird place for me now. 

But when has it not been?

We are all figuring out and navigating at every phase.

Anyway this post is triggered while I'm on the train listening to music and observing people around me.

Everyone's just doom-scrolling. 

And it feels... sad.

Because recently, I look alot like these people and I don't like it.

But it's just so easy to fall into it.

Okay it's a weird end to this post but I gtg

Days where

 I feel like everyone dislikes me

And vice-versa

Sucks

FUCK

 Hate this abyssal feeling

I know i am old

 But sitting here at a table at capital makes me think of all the times when I was 20 to 25 partying

But I think most importantly  I wanna say how lousy I've been living in the past few months since 2023.

DPDR has been fking fking strong since but I've not found time to talk about it.

Lol Scott just lunged on me and told me allson is very busy. 

Okay music is very good good bye

Poison - Alice Cooper

I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison

You're poison running through my veins

I wanna love you but I better not touch

I wanna to hold you but, but my senses tell me to stop