Depresso

Just watched last year's Grampian's video and realised I missed you so much.

It's kinda sad that I still don't know how you feel and all.

But I'm still glad to feel what I felt back then after watching the video. 

And that's the power of videography / film.

Like a few days back when I was high and watched Your Name.

These 2 moments reminded me how important film is to me.

And rewatching Grampian's video made me realise how good my cut were. 

I hope to do a very good job for DT and Ah Chir.

I love both of them so much hahahaha. 

It's a quiet year so far over here

I wonder if this means I'm good in general.

If I honestly ask myself, I think I'm quite caught in between.

There are days where I feel I'm enough, and days that I don't. 

Turning 30 in 2 months is pretty scary too.

Especially when I notice people who are in their mid 40s to 60s more.

I wonder if they had achieved whatever they had set out to.

It's kinda a weird place for me now. 

But when has it not been?

We are all figuring out and navigating at every phase.

Anyway this post is triggered while I'm on the train listening to music and observing people around me.

Everyone's just doom-scrolling. 

And it feels... sad.

Because recently, I look alot like these people and I don't like it.

But it's just so easy to fall into it.

Okay it's a weird end to this post but I gtg

Days where

 I feel like everyone dislikes me

And vice-versa

Sucks

FUCK

 Hate this abyssal feeling

I know i am old

 But sitting here at a table at capital makes me think of all the times when I was 20 to 25 partying

But I think most importantly  I wanna say how lousy I've been living in the past few months since 2023.

DPDR has been fking fking strong since but I've not found time to talk about it.

Lol Scott just lunged on me and told me allson is very busy. 

Okay music is very good good bye

Poison - Alice Cooper

I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison

You're poison running through my veins

I wanna love you but I better not touch

I wanna to hold you but, but my senses tell me to stop

First 2024 post

I think my avoidance behaviour (something I've realised at the start of the year) has made me procrastinate writing this for so long.

Not really just avoiding people when things get overwhelming but avoiding my inner self too.

I'm caught in between the idea that I've been getting better and I've been avoiding the darker side of things.

I can't trust either side.

DPDR was actually really strong since mid December and peak at January.

But I kept avoiding sitting down with myself to think about it, and just kept playing the guitar.

I don't even know if this guitar passion thing is real.

What if it just ends up like short-lived like skateboarding?

But I think one thing is for sure, I really am exploring music more for the start of the year and really enjoying it.

Can't believe I actually do enjoy metal to a certain extent.

And I do wish to continue exploring what kind of music speaks with me best.

Just like what kind of videos I'd like to shoot.

But yes as of now Feb 2024, I realise I do like math rock quite a lot.

Not sure if it's the influence of ho's band.

But I guess I enjoyed Ichika's music a lot which led me to Yvette Young and now Covet.

Might be just a phase but ok doesn't really matter.

But anyways, I think instead of vomiting out all these music ideologies, I think I just wanna say that I am living in uncertainty now.

30 is indeed a scary number.

I was triggered by the fact that I've lost 1.8k from gambling in 2 nights.

I think the emotions I felt this morning isn't entirely a representative of how I have been.

It was just very triggering.

Like the whole process of waking up and knowing that I've lost a lot of money last night.

And opening my room door and pretending to be okay.

Just like all those trading nights.

And it just felt like a repeat of those darker nights.

I'm definitely living with the trauma of trading and I guess understanding it is important.

And because of the triggers, I think a lot comparatively  about my financial struggles and the meaning of life.

And it just makes me really stress and sad that I am just so slow in life.

So have I really come to term with myself about the fact that I need to reset my life?

Maybe not entirely.

But I know I am still in the process of trying hard to come to terms with myself.

At the end of it, these raw words tell me that I am indeed doing better because I see myself addressing my own negative thoughts.

Take a deep breath.

Take your time.

It's your own consciousness to live with.

And that is the meaning of life.

Right?