I think my avoidance behaviour (something I've realised at the start of the year) has made me procrastinate writing this for so long.
Not really just avoiding people when things get overwhelming but avoiding my inner self too.
I'm caught in between the idea that I've been getting better and I've been avoiding the darker side of things.
I can't trust either side.
DPDR was actually really strong since mid December and peak at January.
But I kept avoiding sitting down with myself to think about it, and just kept playing the guitar.
I don't even know if this guitar passion thing is real.
What if it just ends up like short-lived like skateboarding?
But I think one thing is for sure, I really am exploring music more for the start of the year and really enjoying it.
Can't believe I actually do enjoy metal to a certain extent.
And I do wish to continue exploring what kind of music speaks with me best.
Just like what kind of videos I'd like to shoot.
But yes as of now Feb 2024, I realise I do like math rock quite a lot.
Not sure if it's the influence of ho's band.
But I guess I enjoyed Ichika's music a lot which led me to Yvette Young and now Covet.
Might be just a phase but ok doesn't really matter.
But anyways, I think instead of vomiting out all these music ideologies, I think I just wanna say that I am living in uncertainty now.
30 is indeed a scary number.
I was triggered by the fact that I've lost 1.8k from gambling in 2 nights.
I think the emotions I felt this morning isn't entirely a representative of how I have been.
It was just very triggering.
Like the whole process of waking up and knowing that I've lost a lot of money last night.
And opening my room door and pretending to be okay.
Just like all those trading nights.
And it just felt like a repeat of those darker nights.
I'm definitely living with the trauma of trading and I guess understanding it is important.
And because of the triggers, I think a lot comparatively about my financial struggles and the meaning of life.
And it just makes me really stress and sad that I am just so slow in life.
So have I really come to term with myself about the fact that I need to reset my life?
Maybe not entirely.
But I know I am still in the process of trying hard to come to terms with myself.
At the end of it, these raw words tell me that I am indeed doing better because I see myself addressing my own negative thoughts.
Take a deep breath.
Take your time.
It's your own consciousness to live with.
And that is the meaning of life.
Right?
