This morning

(Or afternoon)

Can be described with one line.

And that is, "Why the fuck is my morning always like this?"

It almost feels,

Unfair.

oofy night

Pretty damn intense day I must say...

Not expecting any of these thoughts to happen at all until I went to Gravical.

Seeing so many familiar faces just triggered an avalanche of memories buried too deep down.

I did not intend for all of these to resurface all at once but I guess it did.

Reading back on the texts w you and the confessions back in 2017 felt so insane.

(Okay I read back even more texts and I should probably stop before I go crazy tonight)

And it just reminds me that all whatever I am feeling these days are particularly similar to whatever I was feeling in 2017.

Or rather early 2018.

Trip girl -> Girl while tripping

Escapism(?)

I remembered writing on and on that day at the corner of Dek's place.

I felt the power of expression through its writing form.

Today felt more like a verbal form.

And I felt like communication is such a powerful social tool.

We are all living in our bubbles of consciousness.

And to speak feels like putting the parts of the bubbles out there in common space.

A speech bubble.

And how amazing it is for our consciousness to coincide and experience each other's perspective.

It's been 15 hours of 1/4 and honestly feeling some sensory overload.

But it feels really okay to have them just floating around.

I finally spoke out uncomfortable topics that I never once thought was possible to say.

It was nice but scary at the same time.

As these speech bubbles diffuse into THEIR consciousness.

Life has been pretty tough recently.

I'm finding myself lacking energy to even empathise.

I guess this feels similar to those times, when I said such hurtful things to you.

And suddenly recall saying so much things to you(1) too.

Can't believe I talked to you about the spiraling dark relationship. (In this exact description)

And felt like you understood completely.

I guess I was indeed truthful about the fact that I feel very heard.

It was such a good feeling...

And ultimately, the danger comes if it's a one sided kind of connection.

:')

Eggshells

Walking on my own eggshells

Everyday.

關於我和鬼變成家人的那件事

It's been so many years since I've stepped into this industry but I can never forget the pain of being misunderstood and looked down upon by my Dad.

I mean this film has no direct relatable scenes but seeing how 毛毛 was given the cold shoulder treatment after confessing to his dad that he's gay felt so awfully familiar.

The ongoing, unspoken cold war ever since I've chose this path to be in this industry.

The subtle act of a father slowly accepting his son's path.

But never ever gotten to speak to each other about it.

It hit me hard that I feel so much pain from these unspoken words.

It's always films with Dad and Son's relationship that tears me up like these.

And just sitting through this 2 hours film, I felt a sense of temporary relief.

I hope we won't be too late to talk about this elephant.

I hope I'll be ready soon.

Escapism

Am drinking now but was just wondering about things.

Was wondering about how I judge myself for things I do that seem overboard.

And giving myself that ultimatum that I'm depressed and I'm not normal at all.

And that literally just opens up that sinkhole and everything just spirals into it.