It's great

To talk to people in the same industry again.

Not that I poured my heart out about why I'm depressed to them, but more of feeling less alone in a way.

Three people I talked to.

Dylan the rental guy-

Well nothing exactly but he mentioned he was tired also when I was trying to say I'm tired from today's shoot.

He took it to a next level by saying, "Yeah same, I get that too. Not a good idea to have your workspace at home."

Xuan Kai-

Well nothing exactly too, but was happy that he approached me to help him DP for a passion project.

When I thought the previous experience scared him away.

Lastly Jun Wen-

For being so understanding about my situation. And was so relatable to talk to him tonight. 

Sometimes I wonder what gives him strength to be able to make people feel better despite having a shitty head of himself.

But it was nice, especially the "I could tell, but I didn't know what was troubling you."

Talked to him about going to therapy.

It was just a fleeting thought a few days ago.

Might consider.

Very thankful.

Ugh

Why are you coming back?

You are so fucking hard to deal with.

That familiar mixture of cold and warm in the morning.

When the warm water hits the cold skin and toxic thoughts just start unravelling.

It's all the small stuffs, but when there are millions of them,

It just makes it hard to breathe.

And almost impossible to convince my own head otherwise.

Fall and fall.

When I've accepted that I can't do anything to solve them,

It just becomes a downward spiral.

And makes me just want to sleep and sleep.

And never wake up.

These days are tough.

They really are.

And I don't fucking know what's wrong.

I'm just trying to ride through these waves for now.

And it's going to repeat again tomorrow.

And many more tomorrows.

TWICE

 All thanks to Wei Lun, now I'm addicted to TWICE.

HAHAHAHA.

Amidst the sea of negative posts, just wanted to write something less intense.

Well, I opened this and wanted to write about how dazed I was the past few weeks but I realised that;

Ain't I always like that?

So might as well write something different.

ANW, been watching and listening alot to TWICE.

HAHAHA.

So gay but who cares.

CHAE YOUNG WOOO.

Also, have decided to work harder with my lighting skills.

Hope to learn more more more.

Just want to keep pushing for a better image, something that I will be excited to edit y'know?

I want to keep my career exciting for the years to come.

And to continue pursuing this, and self-improving.

It's getting a bit mundane at times.

Because nothing is changing.

I FORGOT WHAT BROKE MY WRITING THOUGHTS.

BUT HERE'S ANOTHER DAY.

AND

I'M,

FUCKING

DEPRESSED.,

FEELS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD HATES ME

AND THAT I'M A FUCKING SLOTH.

HATE THIS.

Numb

That's how I am.

And I guess that's what my brain is trying to solve.

By incepting these dreams that make me feel again.

You.

You were crying but he was comforting you.

It's a really weird feeling.

I'm sad that you have another 'he'.

Yet,

I'm happy that you have a 'he' to be there for you.

That at least, you have some sort of support.

And to be honest, I hope it's not just in my dream.

Snap!

I'm back lying in my bed.

Thinking of all the edits I have left.

(Well it isn't a lot anymore)

And all I feel is a complete contrast of my dream world.

I'm back into this shell.

Peeking through the cracks and honestly,

that's too much effort.

So, I sit at the corner of my shell.

And watch the world move by itself.

It's like a TV.

Things happen rapidly, like a movie trailer.

But nothing outside this shell intrigues me.

Not, anymore.

I've been searching high and low for this thing.

That very thing that will make me stand up in the shell,

And to peek through the cracks of the world again.

And, maybe.

Maybe if that inertia is high enough.

I will rip off that crack,

Squeeze myself out,

And be reborn.

And HOPE it's not yet another disguise of the world.

And please,

no more cracks.

If your funeral was tomorrow,

 That's all I wanted to say.

Been awhile

Thought I should write down some stuffs..

Wow. it's already June.

Time seems to pass faster and faster as we age.

Don't you think so?

I've actually read an article about it.

It's about how daily routines and habits squeeze our time to make it seem shorter.

So when we are young, not much habits are established yet and we are always learning new things.

Once we age, every day becomes very similar and the concept of time just fades away.

Is this what's happening to me?!

Anyway, just wanted to update myself over here.

Still super busy, still trying to fight the drown...

Sadly no buts...

But since the CB2.0 kicked in, jobs have been slowing down.

Which is a good thing in my opinion..

Can finally take some time to clear my work.

Have been binge watching several lighting channels on YouTube.

It's so fun learning them~

Like seeing how Gaffer / DPs choose their motivation for lighting a scene.

Or even what camera movement etc.

I'm learning a lot more! And hopefully I'm on track to be a DP by 2024.

KEEP LEARNING.

I remembered talking to Sheryl the other day at NUS.

And she told me she wanted to go study when she's 30.

And she suggested I do so too.

Honestly... it was such an amazing idea.

And I'd definitely have enough money by 30 to go overseas and study.

But I wonder what the circumstances will be when I am 30.

Maybe not entirely studying studying... because maybe by then my experience might have been more than what they can teach.

But more of being alone, and just cutting my life from everyone for awhile.

It's definitely something that I would keep in mind.

Shall go workiess~