Unsaid

I woke up bawling.
It's been so long since I've ever cried like this.
I think the last time I did was in Hope church.
I sprained my ankle yesterday from vertigo, so somehow my dream world registered that I had a sprained ankle too.
So I was in the hospital with my mum and another friend.
I was lying on the hospital bed, telling my friend that actually the sprained ankle is okay and that the other time when I broke my leg was worse.
Then this one liner thought from my dream made me cry like a baby till I woke up.
I was telling my friend 'my mum had always been there for me'
It hit me so hard to the point where I was thrown back to the last night in Hampi when I was drunk and cried about how unfilial of a son I am.
Honestly, I was crying a little louder in the hope that my mum or dad was in the kitchen and that they would come in and asked me what happened.
That would be the most emotional and appropriate time in my life to tell them exactly how much they meant to me.
Because of adulting, this crying session woke me up and reminded myself that life is not all about the money, but the people around you.
And when I understood the situation that I was crying alone in my room, the metaphor of me being so lonely these while kicked in really hard.
I've been holding on and sucking in everything that life gave me.
I never felt like I had an outlet until just a few moments ago.
The title of this post is 'unsaid'.
The third thing I think about is how I felt like this whole morning incident could be written into a story.
About unsaid words and regrets.
Guess I'm going back to sleep.
Unsaid. Maybe a new story to write about.

Trying

Trying to prove my worth yet again.
It's a reminder for me to work even harder.

Honestly, it's taking quite a while for me to get used to this lifestyle.
And I realised that whenever I am not out doing something, I feel like I'm wasting my time and I'm not productive.
And I think that's one of the part that I'm still getting used to.
I need to get used to resting.
I think I've been working non-stop for the past months.
And I think I'm doing pretty okay.
The learning pace is alright, no one gives me much stress.

Had a talk with Bryan at the wrap party 2 days ago.
It was a nice conversation even though it was short.
We were talking about how we're so passionate.
Like how we're "all in" and that there's "no turning back"
Watching youtube, instagram and just immersing ourselves in film every single day.
"Aiming to be DP by 30 years old" was like a common thing for both of us.

I don't know what I wanted to write about honestly.
I opened this up and just felt like a blank.
It's like the TV static in my head.
Everything's just buzzing.
I feel like I haven't take care of myself properly.
And that I haven't been listening to myself, talking to myself.
I haven't been really reflecting because things just keep piling up and I don't have time to think about the things going around me.
I've been stress but I haven't really talk to people about it.
I've been really tired and unmotivated at times, but people only see that I'm doing 'pretty well'.
I wish for someone to ask me whether things are okay.
But yet I know everyone's just busy with their own things.
I need to rest, but the thought of not proving my worth to my family when I rest makes me want to get out and do something.
But it's a TIRED MOTIVATION.
It's a wrong motivation I know.
And then the last part of all these thoughts would be, I am so far from where I want to be.
My shots, my edits are all nothing compared to those out there.
And then it starts crashing down on me, whether this will really work out.
But all I hear, is a BUZZ.
Nothing but a buzz.

Unheard.