Slight bitter taste #2

364 days weighing down on this final day.

2023 was definitely one of the worst years of all.

But I guess the bounce is strong for now.

And I'm thankful for this trampoline deep in the darkness.

2023 had been...

Tough and painful.

So many alone nights thinking what the fuck am I doing with life.

Especially how I've fucked up all that I've built.

I doubt this bounce everyday. 

I doubt my words too when I tell people that I'm doing better.

I doubt it when I tell myself that I am doing better as well.

The past 2 months were more of distracting works than silent reflections.

But one thing I know for sure is how music had and is still changing the way I think.

And the funny thing is most of the songs I have no idea what the lyrics are.

Finding my music genre was probably the same feeling as how I found filmmaking as my job?

It's as if things are falling in place when I enjoy a good music or watch a good film.

And for a long moment in this year, I was so lost in trading that I start finding my favourite things mundane and pointless. 

1. My career

2. Climbing

3. Friends

One of my favourite song this year was probably YUNHWAY's SCREAM.

Because talking about friends I always think about the lyrics

"Old friends, new friends, let me be me."

Such a simple line but the comparison of old and new friends in this one line felt so powerful.

Idk but I read it like regardless of how long you know me does not make you know me more or less.

I am ever-changing and that's why you should just let me be me.

And the only true constant is yourself.

My mind is all over the place now.

Hahaha.

I mean with or without L I'm always like this.

It's scary to think back on the whole of 2023.

But Grampians was probably the highlight for me in the reality sense.

It's my first time being in Australia or even my first time being in an 'angmoh' country.

And seeing the lifestyle in Melbourne made me think so much and start weighing what's truly important to me.

And for the deeper spiritual sense, probably from late October to now. 

It took awhile but I've finally come to terms with the amount I've lost I trading. 

As cliche as it is, without this loss, I think I wouldn't start soaking up creativity all over again like how I did before I graduated from NUS.

And for now, I would say music is slowly climbing up my list of important things.

Never too old to learn and appreciate music. 

Without this loss, I wouldn't have talked to my Dad too after 4 years of Cold War.

And it aches me less now when I watch films with 'Father and Son' concepts or seeing Father and Son relationships in real life.

And I guess I feel less unfilial now (even though I haven't do anything to 'repay' them)

Hahaha but I guess is the mindset shift and the vulnerable talks that night.

I wish 2024 will be a better year.

And I'm excited to find out if 2024 is gonna be a year of music exploration.

It's as if colours are slowly coming back to me again.

But can't deny the fact that it's still blur as fuck. 

In the DPDR sense recently.

Lol.

To a better year ahead.

Thanks for stoking friends.

Turning 30 soon wew.

Can't believe I've been blogging since 15.

All these words here are like soft copy of half of my life.

I wonder how it feels if 50 years down the road, someone read my blog from when I was 15 years old till I'm 80.

Sick film idea.

Okay I think it's gonna hit me real soon. (L)

Gonna just wind down for the last 2 hours+ of 2023.

Slight bitter taste

On my lips.

But it is this moment that make me feel most human. (I think?)

Just thinking it's so great that I have a blog that allows me to track down my inner state.

And this inner state has been recorded for the past 14 years or so.

I've grown so much since my first post hahaha.

But I'm still me~

Good night.

Just realised that

There is no one size fits all self-consoling sentence.

And some days I should allow my emotions through instead of lying to myself.

SCREAM

Let me be me man

Everybody schemin' man
They say I'm on wrong way
Fuck it what's the right way
Always hard to manage it
Missin' all the weekend
Everybody basic
But I feel like I'm so different
Let me be me

Unintentional change of font 

Means unintentional change of writing style?

YUNHWAY - SCREAM playing

Do Not Disturb activated

On the way to BPSBW

A revelation these few weeks

I'm glad I caught a glimpse of something

Even the slightest bit

Makes the biggest difference

Main themes:

Don't be too hard on myself

Everybody's at their own pace

Past and future aren't major subsets of the present

Art is the best thing for me

Learn as I navigate

Anxiety and depression had been easier to handle

(Touch some wood)

Likely caused by the immense discovery of music and its nuances

*personal space invaded while I'm writing*

*slightly annoyed*

*there's so much space on the bus - ugh!*

Yesterday's morning observation

The morning light pierced through the kitchen's window

My eyes landed on my mum's hair

It was white as snow

That was a shocking moment

(You know those days where you suddenly realise how old your parents are)

I felt my old anxiousness crept in

But it was so quickly dismissed

Used to think I need more time

To get my shit together

But it struck me that the time is now

I do have sufficient time

These subtle shifts in viewpoints are huge

Another common trigger that always haunts me

Is the fact that I'm already 29

And I seem to have nothing

The endless comparison with peers around me

Seeing myself through my biased lens of the society

And communities surrounding me

How was this trigger fixed?

Let's end it this post as a symmetry.

Thank you YUNHWAY

Let me be me man

Everybody schemin' man
They say I'm on wrong way
Fuck it what's the right way
Always hard to manage it
Missin' all the weekend
Everybody basic
But I feel like I'm so different
Let me be me

WOW

WOW - MIRANI

Makes me want to kill the fucking demon.

Funny but true

 "酒後想到的女孩是你此刻最喜歡的女孩。" - Asim 2023

I think I've been doing healthier

Mentally.

Just some rare nights here and there.

But it might be because I've been busy these days with work too.

But work aside, I've been spending my awake time / idle time appreciating music.

Like properly listening to music.

And I feel like damn, why haven't I done that when I was younger.

It's even the same for drawing.

Kinda regret now that I'm 29 but have never properly pursue things that I like.

Just wanted to write today because I wanted to talk about the music I've been finding recently.

Hip hop/ rap/ chill(?)

Recently enjoying swervy, yunhway, apoki and lil cherry ALOT.

Swervy and lil cherry for their hard raps.

It hits so hard that it feels like it kinda symbolises me trying to fight my demon yknow.

It reminds me that if I want to win the mental war, I've gotta be tougher than the fker in my head.

And these raps hit hard and some days it just makes me feel more confident as a person.

Like on a day to day basis, example when I'm climbing, I feel like I can express the rage in the music on the walls.

Or when I shoot, I can imagine the MV of these songs and I think it just makes me more creative (?)

But yeah, just wanted to log that I MLL yesterday but actually feeling quite alright.

Went to a wake yesterday and it was nice just seeing her and talking to her.

Hope she will be alright after the wake..

Ok I'm gonna continue drinking and listening to music.

But main main purpose of this post was really to talk about the appreciation of music and how it might have been the thing that's helping with my mental health.

Fight the demons with even harder shit.

And earn some self love and higher self esteem.

"So what if I have to reset my life?" might be the overall theme since last week.

Let's go?