Navigating through the crowds

As I was walking alongside the humans in Bugis, I felt the strong representation of myself in this world.

It occurred to me that we are all navigating through the path of life.

And we are all making infinite decisions throughout this life.

Everyone's at their own pace.

But I just can't help feeling like a snail in this rat race.

Yet I know I should stop comparing myself with this seemingly flawed society.

It's a constant battle between these two ideologies. 

How long more do I need to figure life out?

Or have I already and just need a stronger self-acceptance?

Angel VS Devil

Today's internal struggle was so strong.

It was really a fight between trying to be functional and not trying at all.

A fight between taking care of myself and letting myself rot.

A fight between channelling my energy to pick myself up or let the energy turn negative.

I'm not trying to say that I did a good job by choosing to take care of myself, doing things I like.

I'm just trying to say why is there a 'hurdle' to doing the things I like to do.

Why can't I just (without activation energy) do the things I like.

And just tired from the internal fight between the Angel and the Devil.

But okay, happy that I finally drew Chae Young after contemplating for years.

And It looks pretty okay to me (even though I think I'm a perfectionist).

Her left eye could be slightly bigger, the 2B shadings on the nose bridge can be darker.

Her right side of the upper lips look a bit distorted.

Shadow below her right eyebrow isn't blended properly.

Nose isn't obvious because of the lack of the nose bridge shading.

General shading of the face isn't perfect.

BUT FUCK.

IT LOOKS LIKE CHAE YOUNG.

I don't care I think I did a good job already.

For someone who didn't have any art background.

And I think that's my way of working hard for my industry too.

Keeping my creativity in check while I grow up.

And I guess that's why I keep reading books and heading to the movies too.

Just bought a fictional book too, been awhile since I read fiction.

A break from trading, Day 1.

Let's see what the next few days teach me.

I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki

Just wanted to write some stuffs here while I'm feeling numb / overwhelm.

I don't even know which I am feeling anymore.

Life has revolved around trading like what I said.

But it's been revolving for a good 15 months now.

And how the metaphorical representation of trading in my life is woven so deep now.

It's scary.

Like it feels like my depression / anxiety / future depends on it.

And that idea that my whole life depends on it makes it so stressful for me to trade well and logically.

I've busted my combine again after reaching 6k.

And honestly I am really tired.

I know I've said that too many times.

I don't even know what I want to say nowadays.

I am probably taking a 2 weeks break from trading?

Finally taking a break.

The last time was Grampians.

It's been half a year since I took a break lol.

But I hope this break gonna let me see life again.

Almost lifeless but also trying really hard to recover mentally.

I finished "I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki" just yesterday.

And I remembered wanting to write down some stuffs about it.

I wrote some parts of it in my personal IG.

But I think what I'd really take away from it is the importance of human interaction.

As much as life is tough (Really tough) right now, being able to just interact with humans make me feel slightly better.

And I know I have to force myself to interact to recover.

And like what the author wrote, not just interacting with one person, but with several different people.

The author wrote about being able to talk to people when she was younger and finding it more difficult as she grew up.

And after she went for therapy, she started sharing her thoughts with people around her.

The act of sharing her thoughts with people made her feel like is a better way of living.

The idea of togetherness as a collective human civilisation (?)

It resonated really well with me.

Or rather with the younger version of me.

And I knew I had lost it recently.

She also wrote about the idea of conforming to society.

It hit me that I've been "Conforming to society" because I have been comparing with people around me.

How social media has made me jealous of people who I know the younger me wouldn't give a fuck about.

And it's sad that I am seeing it now.

But I guess never late than never.

I don't even know what I'm writing anymore (how I usually end my posts now)

But I just wanted to write whatever that popped up in my head.

I want to feel better.

I want to make things work.

I know I am in the process of recovery and I'm unsure how long it'll take.

It scares me not knowing what the future lies (especially with this deeply intertwined life with trading now).

GADFKLGJDL:GKJSDF

Bye

Express Funded (Week 2) BUSTED

How do I feel?

Honestly I felt I was going crazy.

The anxiety was sky high, the depression was sky high.

I gave myself so much pressure to earn that $200 so that I can draw out whatever that's left in my account.

That $200 was a metaphorical representation of my life.

If I can earn that $200, I am so sure I can turn my life all around.

No more depressed me.

Life will start getting better.

The thought of how close it is but not making it in the end crushed me.

Like I was crying due to my panic attacks.

I felt this immense urge of self-harm.

Because I was so tired.

Writing about my inner thoughts in a clear mind is really so refreshing lol.

At least I'm not writing the content of the inner dialogue but instead just writing about it from a third person POV.

Honestly I've been really depressed for the past year.

I can't deny how my financials were the main cause of this 'worse' depressed state.

For new readers, I've lost close to 60k to options trading.

And now I think back about it after a conversation with my dad, it was legit pure gambling.

Okay not entirely, but my emotions were of a gambler's mindset.

I just really wanted to write down about my conversation with my Dad.

For those of you who knew, I've been at a cold war with my Dad ever since I graduated from Uni.

Because of my career choice, the countless time he told me to find a stable job caused us to quarrel quite a bit until it's been an elephant in the room since then.

I even wrote about it in one of my post, I think it's me after watching Elementals?

About how I know I worry them a lot.

After busting my funded account today, I broke down in front of my Dad.

Or rather I wanted to talk to someone.

It's so rare that I reached out to people.

I guess like what Allson said, when you're so overwhelmed, just want to talk to somebody.

So I opened up my Dad's room and walked in, we lied on the bed together and talked about everything.

I confessed to him about me losing 50k.

He sounded very disappointed in me, but it's not that kind of disappointed.

It's like a, damn I wish you hadn't done that.

I've never talked so openly with my Dad before in my entire life.

(Sorry my thoughts are all over the place but I'm just gonna write everything that pops into my head)

That was a really nice conversation with him.

All my insecurities about what my dad thought about me was gone.

I knew he really meant me well.

And his worries are all valid.

I always knew that, just we never talked about it.

I'm actually really really tired.

I'll probably write about my conversation with my dad again one day.

Just to summarise

I'm just broken mentally today that I was so close to winning.

That one win that will change my life for the better.

But I'm also super thankful and relieved that me breaking down in front of my Dad, we finally talked about the things that we couldn't talk about for years.

At least he knows what's been going on with his son, and what his son's thinking about all the time.

And I'm also glad to just confirm on my end what his worries were.

That's why it sucks so bad too because my end goal of trading, is really to be able to earn a lil more (or a lot more) and then I can y'know make my parents less worried.

So this one win is so important for me..

But I fucked it all up because of emotions and impatience.

Oh well.. 

I'm sure I can get it back again.

And I must...

(with less pressure this time since my whole family knows that I'm doing now lol)

Express funded week 1 (And emotions)

Passed my topstep last week.

Trading on this funded account for the 1st week and I'm proud to say I'm up 6k from the first week.

Although this might be a bit sketchy because I hit my max loss limit on the 3rd day but my account wasn't deactivated.

So just praying that their bug on the end saved my life.

Ngl, this is one of the toughest week.

I feel like this whole week was a dream and only finally waking up on the weekend.

As much as I say I have no emotions while trading, I think that I am suppressing all my emotions instead.

Only finally feeling everything when I stop.

I mean this week could have ended really really bad with me busting my account and trying all over again. 

But I'm relieved.

And exhilarated.

Because I think I just earned 6k usd in a week.

It was a really rough fight.

Body auto waking up in the morning and starting trade if I have nothing on.

Really felt like a full time trader.

A beginner one.

Just wanted to note down how distracted I have been throughout the week.

Checking the market every now and then.

Gotten daily loss limit because I was emotional, and hitting mll because I was too eager to enter trades.

It was really a ride of emotions, a roller coaster indeed.

When I was bathing this morning, I just snapped out from my trading daze and realise holy shit. 

I just earned 6k in a week!

This whole thing might and should work out eventually.

If I can draw out more money than I put into paying for the combine, then I should be profitable.

And it is honestly very very achievable.

Thinking of the road from here excites me.

I felt like I was lost for more than a year.

My goals in life were all over the place.

If I can just make this work, there's so many more intangible things I want to do.

And at the top of my head, just repaying my parents, hanging out with my friends (just treating them to meal or something for being there for me through all these toughest times)

It is (as I always put it) INSANE.

And lastly, find back my love for film / content creation because that's the core of my life.

The list goes on but I have to keep on fighting.

I am hopeful now.

It's been awhile since I have been so hopeful. 

Let's continue grinding.

Good job weeps :')

<3

Space

Don't want to waste this space just to journal down all my depressive episodes and vent my frustrations.

So here's me talking about reservist and me passing TopStep.

Reservist was... 

Definitely tiring.

But it sure took my eyes off my phone and computer.

And really interact with people.

The simplest of communication without technology.

That was one of the top thing I truly enjoyed and appreciated in camp.

BME was dead ass tiring walking under Code Black Sun.

Carrying Matador for the mission reminds me of how tanky I was back in active days.

And got reminded of how tough times was really a mind over body / mind over mind kind of thing.

Looked at my callsign "undying" on my IBA just reminded me of how I was respected as the tank of my platoon in OCS.

Or even in GCC.

Still feel that pride of being a guardsman even though this year's BME was abit disappointing.

Will be the OC again for next year, dreadful as I am already, but I know it will be fruitful when it ends.

Glad to catch up with my Plt 3 guys even though it's just a short while.

That short 2 week just reminded of all the times back in active days.

And it's crazy to know it has already been 10 years since I have been in 3 guards.

It was really a nice break from life.

Other than reservist, I HAVE PASSED TOPSTEP.

I reached the profit target of 9k in slightly less than 1 month's time.

With 4 resets though.

When I saw my account balance reached 159k, I stopped and stare at the ES chart.

And everything just came rushing in.

All the crushed up nights, all the lost days, all that lonely fights all came crashing on me.

I freaking bawled in front of my computer.

Because this means so much to me.

It is really a huge milestone for me.

Just some statistics, the trader's discord chat I'm in, out of 2.5k members, only 200 of them are funded traders.

And I have successfully joined them. 

I'm honestly both excited and scared.

Excited because this whole trading thing might finally work out.

Fearful because I'm scared this hope above might just be crushed if I fuck up this account.

But nevertheless, this gives me confidence that I can actually be consistent.

Even if I might bust my account again, I'm at least sure now that I'll definitely be able to get funded all over again.

I will update about this again!

For now, I am slightly less depressed.

And more motivated in fixing things.

Slowly, hopefully things will be okay soon.

Good job weeps <3

The Breaking Ice

 

Probably the best random decision to go and catch this today.

I was feeling so much when I woke up.

As if these negative intrusive thoughts couldn't stop.

Woke up at 3pm today, feeling like death.

Or probably just a lack of identity kind of feeling.

Numb and idk.. not even depressed.

Went to Funan to buy the tix for the show and realised I had an hour or so before the movie starts.

While walking around Funan, I just recalled how carefree it was to roam around BKK.

And thinking that I should probably spend more weekends doing things on my own.

When I was buying the tickets, saw that there were only 4 other people who bought the tickets.

In my mind I was just thinking, great.

I love empty movie theatres, and just feeling so connected with the film without distractions.

And in awhile after sitting in, the film started.

I have no idea what the film was about (it's my habit of not checking the synopsis before heading to watch anything)

FULL SPOILERS AHEAD

The film opened with the literal breaking of ice blocks, set in Northern China.

The music and the location of the film drew me in immediately.

It's unlike anything I've seen.

I was drawn to the movie right from the start, imagining myself at the same space where the 3 characters were.

The closest I can imagine myself was Qing Dao.

And maybe the roads they travelled - Grampians?

Basically all the nature places I have visited in my life.

When Hao Feng received the call from the Mental Hospital, I straight up knew what I was in for.

To be honest, was a bit scared of being triggered too badly.

15 minutes into the film and a suicidal ideation.

I was really really feeling what Hao Feng was feeling the entire length of the movie.

I felt very connected to him.

Especially the part where he sees a random stranger (Nana)

I could imagine the entire interaction with Nana in his perspective.

The look on his face when he saw Nana from above, the confused state he might be in while on the tour bus.

And just admiring her from the back of the bus and fantasizing all the conversations that they might have if they ever started a conversation.

When Nana was smoking at the side while taking a break, Haofeng walked towards her.

It was definitely something I would do if I find someone that attracted me so much.

It was fun to imagine sitting right there, in that icy cold weather and just having simple conversations, away from the internet and life.

I don't know what I really want to say about the film honestly.

But it was so good in the sense that I really felt so connected with Haofeng.

Example, having a secret admiration of a random stranger, to find out she was hanging out with a guy in the balcony.

And that very look on Haofeng made me knew exactly what he was thinking of.

Maybe it's my own interpretation but I would imagine it to be like, "Oh she has a boyfriend. Let's erase all the fantasies I had with her."

And idk, go through a literal heartbreak (that aches a lil) with the fantasy that was created.

Fuck.

I have never been able to write this feeling down so perfectly even though this happens to me always since young.

The joy Haofeng must have felt when Nana called him at the hotel entrance to ask if he was free.

That confirmation of mutual interest even without much conversation throughout just because Haofeng is sensitive as fuck.

And seeing how introverted he was in the bar with Xiao and Nana, and how alcohol broke the ice immediately between the 3 characters.

And how three of them ended up in Nana's place, and just imagining all the thoughts going through the three of them.

How Haofeng would probably wish Xiao was not there, and how Xiao would probably wish Haofeng wasn't there.

But they all ended up listening to Xiao playing the guitar and enjoying each other's company.

Knowing that all 3 of them are empathetic creatures and they can tell what the other 2 were thinking.

The sex scene felt so much love and connection between Haofeng and Nana.

Even though they've only met for a few days, it's as if they knew each other for a long time.

There were so many metaphorical representation of things in the film which I do not understand entirely.

When I walked out of the theatre, I felt numb and lost at how it all ended.

But then I reminded myself that maybe the purpose of arthouse film wasn't entirely for understanding, but rather what you felt out of it.

After walking out of the theatre for 5 minutes, I felt a sudden surge of emotions creeping in.

As if I suddenly receive clarity over everything that I wanted to feel but couldn't feel the past few months.

And the word that came out resonating was "I'm tired."

I'm tired of standing on the edge.

I'm tired of trying so hard to stay sane when insanity is just a thin line right beside me.

I'm tired of trying.

I'm really tired.

And because of these influx of emotions, I crumbled.

Pretty hard.

And I immediately thought back on the movie where Haofeng was crying in the club out of nowhere.

And thinking about how similar I was to him in that very instance.

Just thought about the day I was outside Zouk and just bursting so hard back in 2018 or 17 with Chin Yue beside me.

And knowing that at that time Chin Yue probably didn't understand how dark I was feeling even though he is my best friend.

Which made me think of how alone I was in my own journey back then and how similar I must have been feeling this period of time.

It was a beautiful film.

Triggering as it might be, it might be important for me.

To feel again.

Lastly just want to say how The Breaking Ice really felt like a combination of Lost in Translation + The Perks of being a Wallflower together.

Which I really really enjoyed and left an impact on me.

And I like how I feel reignited again, to shoot and express myself.

Right after the movie, I received a text from Dharf.

The first script is out.

For the 'douyin' thingy that I have been wanting to do for years.

Am really grateful to have someone like him.

Reservist for the next 2 weeks.

Time to snap out of these toxic cycle for awhile.

See you guys~