Fog

As much as I try, feels like the fog is always there.

It's not just a mental fog now cause it feels like my physical vision is a blur too.

Feeling uncomfortable

Hanging / chatting with people you are most comfortable with.

That's how I know I'm getting worse

And it is a really sucky feeling.

11 August

It's currently 6am right now and I can't sleep.

I feel like I have to write this down before I turn mad.

Just realising how much I've numbed myself to sleep every night and how today has been hitting extremely hard.

Trading has completely taken over my life.

I ain't enjoying any other things now.

I just met Sherine but I feel like I was so distracted the whole time.

And this applies to all my other friends too.

This applies to my work as well.

Just life in general, feels so meaningless right now.

I feel like death every morning recently.

It's so scary that last Saturday I woke up and the words echoing in my head were 'I want to die.'

I felt like my depression had never gotten so bad.

I'm going through a really really rough time but who can I talk to about these trading stuffs who understand both trading and mental health.

I looked at my Tiger account and see that I've lost 53k as of now.

That is 70+% of my hard earned money over the past 3 years of trying to make it freelancing.

And I know if I continue this berserk mode, I would definitely lose everything one day.

It's crazy man.

I felt like I should never have learnt about this whole thing about the stock market / trading.

It now feels like I have to succeed.

And if I don't my life is going down with it.

Who can understand this struggle?

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

Let's take it back to the start

Ground zero.

It's insane how fast I burned all my profits last 2 days. 

Tired and unmotivated.

Lonely and depressed.

This sucks.

It's quite a joke that I don't have enough to see a therapist if I ever wanted to.

Time to move on :')

Thankful for this unforgettable experience.

Me 16 hours feeling post concert blues 

Hahaha

2 hours

That's the time needed for me to harness enough energy to leave my bed and start thinking of what to do with my day.

This is without any influences from friends all chores I need to settle.

It's just the amount of time I need to literally just start functioning.

It's nice in a sense to find out this 2 hours because I have literally no deadline and responsibilities here so I guess it's accurate?

No friends to meet, just figuring out what and how the day should be (up to my own pace)

That's so important lol.

I mean when I'm back home, I'm just easily satisfied with the convenience of my computer.

Idk just thinking of some stuffs here.

(G)I-DLE I am Free-ty BKK 2023

Hi I got distracted before writing this.

Janelle texted me and asked how was it.

I'm so happy that she texted and asked that HAHAHAA.

I FEEL SO LONELY AS THE ONLY NEVERLAND IN MY GROUP OF FRIENDS.

So thankful for Janelle for being the OG nebobo.

I'm writing all of these with "I do" playing in the background and it's been 6 hours past the concert.

I just wanna write down these thoughts before they disappear when I wake up the next day with my fking morning depression.

I LOVE GIDLE SO MUCH.

I'M SO GLAD I FOUND THEM.

I'M SO HAPPY I IMPULSED BOUGHT THEIR TICKETS AND IMPULSED BOUGHT BKK TICKETS.

It's my first time travelling alone in 29 years and chasing something I really like.

It might not mean much for a lot of you but it really means a lot for me to do what I really want.

I'm so glad to see all 5 of you (minus soojin :( )

I'm writing with 4 cans of beer and some reminisce of a 1/4 

I'm feeling so much rn like I need to write this down so I can forever remember what I'm feeling on this day.

First of all when I reached Thunder Dome today, seeing all the Thai nebobos and realising that I'm kind of out of place because I don't understand and speak thai (I mean I do understand to a certain extent)

But having the language barrier but just being so happy being around people with the same love feels sooooo amazing.

There were Thai, Koreans, Chinese and some other nationalities but fuck we are all NEBOBOS.

COMPARED TO IVE CONCERT, I felt a little more in place because I'm not one of the oldest fans there!!

I saw aunties and uncles with their light stick and I'm like LFGGGG.

Never too old to stan a young kpop group.

Whenever my mum tells me I stan kpop group at such a old age, I feel abit sad.

But when I see these bunch of older crowd, I feel so belonged.

Just wanna say I'm a very very new never-ending. (If you are a neverland that came to visit my blog)

I've only knew of gidle since last year 2022 when I'm scrolling tiktok one day and seeing soyeon producing Nxde.

And then searching soyeon's fancam to realise how fucking cool she is.

Her raps and her style.

And the next tiktok I saw is Minnie and woogie's old Vlive. Where minnie was speaking Chinese. XIAO KE LI. 

That was when I realised I really loved this group.

And really sad I missed their SG tour which happened 3 months before I found them.

When they announced I am Free-ty, I got really interested when I saw they were performing at BKK.

On the day of ticket sale, I somehow woke up 3 minutes before the site opened. I thought to myself, I think that's a sign. 

And GOOOO, CAT 1 GO.

Best impulse purchase of my life for sure.

I can't imagine missing this one right here.

It's really so good.

Seeing the 5 of them in real life made me feel so much.

Like first of all they were all human.

And whatever character I derived from all the videos I've watched is true!!!

Like soyeon is soyeon, woogie is woogie, shuhua is shuhua. 

I can't put it to words about how accurate I feel their personalities off the stage.

Is like I REALLY could feel shuhua's thoughts throughout the concert.

I mean she's an INFP like me.

And it's so interesting to see a fellow INFP acting the way she is on stage.

Not saying that it's rare but just being there as an idol and not me (for example) is just SO interesting.

Best performance of the night definitely goes to Pyscho by soyeon tonight.

It was so PSYCHO that it reminded how fking dark my life was when I was just uncovering them (before 'I feel' came out)

Not saying my life isn't as dark as those times but generally just love their darker songs like 'Change', 'Dark x-files' etc. 

Kinda sad they didn't perform those master piece, but hey. 

They put up such a great performance.

The distance I was from them was SO DAMN CLOSE, like less than 30 metres.

Oh and I was called to swap seats when the concert was ending.

I was abit passed because they called me to move when my bag and I'm the trend was playing.

Like those are some of my FAV songs.

So I was really annoyed with the staff for messing up my seat.

But damn it was really a good Cat 2 view.

To end off this post, just wanna say that I have started to openly show things that I really like on my IG.

As much as sometimes it still feels a lil embarrassing to stan Kpop, knowing that the community is so huge makes it easier to pass.

Tonight is a really great night.

My bias has filtered to soyeon or shuhua. (I mean from loving all 5 of then to 2 is a great difference.

Soyeon because her performance and stage presence always owns. 

I am tired already, but before I close my eyes and ttfo, 

Thank you (G)I-DLE and wish you girls success to end the world tour.