Tough

It's a really tough period of time for me.
The hardest part of it is putting these feelings into words.
Pockets of insanity through the day.
I can't even control my emotions in front of people.
Not functional.

I'm going to climb everyday from today on.

It's a goal that I've set for myself.

Conversations with people make me feel less understood.
I've been brushing it off too many times.
However, it's not that I can explain myself there and then on the spot.

Morning heads are screams.
I know it's getting worse.
Because the frequency of these thoughts popping are increasing.
It's like this negative ball of energy in me; it absorbs every rational thoughts of mine.
I just can't get out these days.
It feels so TRAPPED.
A cage that my mind has built.
The steels are getting stronger.
And I've lost that key to open it.
I know it's getting worse.
I need to find the key soon.
Before this trapped animal in me unleash its ugly side.
Hissing at whoever that tries to open the cage.

If only words could.
I think it's the darkness in the world I see that makes things so indescribable.
Sorry, I don't mean see.
Feel.
It's an oppressing omen.
Like watching a horror film.
Or rather, being in a horror film.
You're helpless.
And just awaiting that jump scare.
Your heart beats increase.
Beating to the unknowns of the future.

Irrationality is creeping in as I type this in the confined space of the toilet.
The morning sun just defines so much.
It's like I'm constantly in LIGHT.
But the mind is not taking in any bits of ray.

'I will not be shaken'
I hope?

Been wondering

What's the cause of all my anxiousness this whole of recess week.
I think I've mentioned about 'near future' and 'far future'.
Both seems really intimidating to me.
My heart pumps really quickly whenever I think of them.
And the mind goes into an unstoppable frenzy.

The only answer I have is that school is ending in 7 weeks time.
The far future doesn't really affect me as much as the near future as I have all the time in my life after graduating to slowly settle down and decide what I really want to do after graduating.
However, the near future is just full of assignments and tests.
I'm just really scared that the amount of effort I'm putting into this semester doesn't allow me to graduate with honors.
Let's list down what I have.

1. PC4245 - I have been skipping class since week 3. Have no idea what the fuck is going on and I have a test coming this Thursday.
2. PC4228 - Even though I have been going to class 90% of the time, the whole module is just very uncertain. Like I don't know whether I can understand the mod if I study it so my brain just puts that aside completely.

For this two physics mod, it's just the annoying uncertain kind of anxiousness. Like I don't know what to expect of it. And I don't know what to do about this uncertainty. That's why it's always there.

3. TS2241 - I really enjoy this mod a lot. But the amount of time spent on this is really like 70% of the time I spent on school. But it justifies because I think it would be something very relatable when I graduate. Screenplay to be submitted near the same time as FYP. This mod is more of my FYP than my actual FYP lol.

4. NM3230 - This mod is fun too. But the idea of shooting a short doc instead of a short film makes things less motivated for me. I'm glad my group members are nice though. And yup, the submission of the short doc is also around the same period of time as FYP.

I've learnt so much more applicable stuff in this two mods as compared to whatever I did since Year 1 as a physics major. Regrets choosing the wrong path but I'm not complaining because I do enjoy certain topics of physics.

5. FYP - This is affecting me so much. Like the amount of uncertainty compared to the dateline 5 April, nothing is happening. It's been like that since last year. I kinda hate my prof for being too lax on me. But then again, no one should spoonfeed me lol. Fucking unmotivated for something I'm not even interested in. I just want to pass all my physics thing. Like 1,2 and 5. They are the things that I am unconfident in and they worry me so fucking bad every single morning I wake up because it's so bad to a point where I think it is indeed possible to DA BAO them to Y5S1.

6. NSBC - Admist all the worries for all my school stuffs, I want to do well for NSBC too. Because it's the last time I am competing for NUS and I really want to try my very best. But just looking at the amount of work I have to do, I feel like I am in a struggle of wanting to give this up and then the priority question pops out in my mind.

This last 7 weeks is so fearful for me. I forsee myself breaking down and going crazy and stuff. One of the worst 7 weeks for me. I think it'd be as crazy as the BA PD period.

Right.. talking about BA, BA videos for 2019 hasn't started yet too.

Lastly, I'm glad to have grown closer to her. She calms me down and reminds me that human relationship is still the top priority in my life. Thanks b

Bus conversation

It was a usual day on the bus.
I was watching some replays of ML when I heard, "Excuse me sir" from two seats in front of me.
An Indian man around my age was asking for direction from a local malay to East Coast Park.
However, the local malay did not know how to get there; or was too lazy to help.
As I was sitting just two seats behind the malay guy, I knew the Indian would come up to me and ask me the same question.
I was praying that he wouldn't approach me as I was very lazy to converse.
'Excuse me sir, do you know how to get to East Coast Park?'
I close my ML and went to Google the bus route of 43.
I tried my very best to direct him there but honestly it was difficult to explain thoroughly since navigating to East Coast Park even from the nearest bus stop poses a challenge.
'9 stops after parkway parade', was all that I said and he was really grateful.
As he went back to his seat, I was worried that he and his two friends wouldn't get to East Coast Park since I got lost at that area when I was in secondary school.
I was searching for the exact bus stop on Google maps to give myself an answer as to how to walk from there (and also for a chance to guide him if he asked again)
So there I was sitting at my seat and staring at the three of them, I was contemplating whether to be a kind man and explain to him and his friends in detail.
He looked back at me when the bus was at Yio Chu Kang Chapel and he signalled by lifting his eyebrows 'here?'
That was when I decided to stand up and went to sit right behind him to explain.
I asked out of curiosity, where are they from?
He replied saying that they're from India.
And I just asked which part of India (as if I know) and to my surprise, he mentioned Karnataka.
So I told them I've been to Hampi and we struck off a really short conversation.
Found out that they're studying medicine and they're taking a stop at Singapore for three days before going to China to continue their studies.
They were such nice people.
When I compare his character to the local malay that did not reply him properly, I just had felt like most Singaporeans are really so caught up in their own world.
And that is including me.
Because initially I was reluctant to help, I was being the typical unfriendly Singaporean.
I hoped my actions left him a good impression of the people in Singapore, because the people in Hampi did.
A really short bus ride, but so much things I'm thinking about.
I miss Hampi, or maybe I just don't really like Singapore.

Busted

The alarm clock rings and DARREN wake up from his nightmare. He wipes the tears off his cheeks, switches the alarm off and covers the blanket over his head. After ten minutes, his mother barges into his room and shouts at him to get ready for school. Reluctantly, Darren drags himself out of bed and goes on preparing for school. After breakfast, Darren opens his laptop and types in an online anti-bullying forum, “Someone get me out of this school.” He shuts his laptop and put it in his school bag when his mother shouts at him again. Darren leaves the house in his mother’s car and heads to school. At the entrance of the school, Darren’s mother kisses him goodbye. KESTER and his two friends see the scene from afar and laughs hysterically. Darren pushes his mother away and runs into school.

After school, Darren walks home alone and bumps into Kester and his friends smoking. He tries to turn and walk away from them but freezes on the spot when Kester calls out his name. Kester and his friends walk towards him and surrounds him. He threatens Darren to take a puff from the cigarette or they will not let him off. With no options left, Darren obliges. While taking a puff of cigarette, one of Kester’s friend pulls out his phone and films Darren cough from the smoke. Darren sees the phone and tries to snatch it away, but Kester pushes him onto the ground. They laugh at him and walks away. Darren stands up and walks back home. Upon reaching home, Darren’s mother demands an explanation for pushing her away in the morning. Darren ignores her and stomps into his room, slamming the door shut. He cries while his mother continues shouting at him from outside the door. He opens his laptop, goes online and sees the video of him smoking and immediately closes it. He goes to the anti-bullying forum and sees a private message in reply to his post in the morning, “Me too.” Darren replies the stranger and they start chatting online. Darren finds that the stranger’s struggles of not being able to fit in school is very similar.

The next day, Darren’s mother drives Darren to school again, they are silent in the car as the mother is angry at him. Darren reaches school and sees that students are glaring at him. He finds out that the video of him is circulating in school. He rushes to the toilet immediately to calm himself down. In the toilet, he hears a commotion going on in a cubicle. Curious, he creeps over cubicle door and sees Kester making out with his male friend. Wanting revenge, Darren secretly pulls out his phone and starts filming the whole process and quietly leaves the toilet. During lunch break, Darren sits alone and is writing an apology letter to his mother. Kester and his friends see him and walks towards him. Kester snatches the apology letter away from Darren and reads it out loud in the canteen. Darren stares as Kester starts tearing the letter in front of his eyes.

After school at home, Darren’s mother shouts at him for not apologising to her and for keeping quiet about everything. She has no idea what is going on in school. Darren locks himself in the room again and his mother continues shouting at him from the outside. Darren thinks about Kester tearing the apology letter and decides to post the video of Kester online with the title: “Soccer captain turns out to be gay!” He then goes online to the forum and starts ranting to his online friend about his mother and his school. In a twist of event, the online friend reveals to be Kester when he cries out about the video of him being uploaded online. Darren starts crying when he realises that he has become a bully he hates. After crying, Darren reveals to Kester his true identity; Darren does not tell Kester that he is the one who takes the video. Kester apologises. The next day, Darren sees Kester walk sheepishly into school alone as he is being judged by students. During lunch, Darren sees Kester sitting alone and his two other friends sitting at another table. Darren approaches Kester and asks, “Is anyone sitting here? Wildheart23?” Kester smiles and Darren realises he made his first friend in school.

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For memory sake

Story

Looking through everyone's insta story.
And thinking how I could write a short film for them.
Their struggles, their conflict, their character.
Everyone has a unique character.
The way they are brought up, the little but specific details of them growing up.
The way the individual interacts with their friends, families and lovers.
And basically the interaction with the world.
What motivates them, what gives them the lack of emotions.
Every character comes with a back story.
Even mine.
I could write about my own story.
My conflict, my growing up.
My family.
My friends.
And how I end up being able to see through everybody's lens.
How I end up being where I am today.
I wish I that this passion of mine, in film / videography carry on burning.
The drama of life is so interesting.
Looking at kids running around, looking at middle aged man lighting up a ciggarette, and looking at people climbing.
Everyone has a different inner reason to why they climb.
Conversations can be typed down in dialogue.
Why people say the things they say.
In film, every single dialogue has a particular reason why they are laid down in this manner.
And so what's the difference from reality.
Thinking of friends that I've lost, there must be a reason to why they chose to leave.
Their past experiences told them to.
Interactions drive them to.
At the end of the day, be it in a film or in reality, we are just some sort of a character.
Just that in reality, we don't have a writer who already know the plot of our story.

It's the lack of sleep

I know.
But damn, I'm feeling scared for no reasons.
Sigh, freaking panicky now.

It's something

I'm glad I took this mod as I really enjoy learning how to write a story.
It's been a while since I actually worked hard for a mod because I actually want to learn.
So this is my synopsis draft 1.
It's pretty incoherent cause I had to rush it in 2 days and there are probably bad grammatical errors or weird sentence structures as my English isn't the best since primary school hahaha.
Worth giving a shot.

"Maun sits on a bench in a quiet park with a book in his hands. He flips open the book and starts tearing. In the book shows a calendar with a marked-out date and a goodbye message for Maun. An old man walks towards Maun and asks why is he crying. Maun is shocked to hear a voice. Maun pulls out a pen and a paper from his bag and starts communicating with the old man. The old man stands up and signals for Maun to follow him. Maun follows behind the old man. They walk past several streets and sees the world without verbal communication. The two continue walking silently through the bustling street when the old man stops and turns into an alley. At the end of the alley is a door. The old man instructs Maun to wait outside as he enters the door. The old man comes out with a device in his hand and explains to Maun that the device gives users the ability to speak. However, the user must speak the truth or else the device will erase all memories of the person he lies to and in addition, the device will stick to the user for life. Maun takes the device from the old man and wears it. He walks out of the alley and heads back home, keeping quiet the whole time.

Maun reaches home and sees his friend Rena lying on the couch. On the table, there are some empty cans of beer and an apology note. Maun calls for the ambulance as he hugs Rena while waiting for the ambulance. At the hospital, the doctor shows Maun her report. Rena survives the overdosage of anti-depressant. She wakes up the next morning, looks at Maun and writes on a paper saying how she fails at everything. Maun sits beside her and holds her hand, not saying anything. Rena discharges from the hospital the next morning. While driving Rena home, Maun reveals his ability to speak. Maun mentions about the device and the strange old man he met. He does not tell her about the consequence of lying while wearing the device.

Back at home, Maun helps Rena to her bedroom. Rena assure Maun that she will not commit suicide again. Maun remembers Rena’s suicide plan but speaks nothing about it. Maun sings Rena to sleep. He walks to the living room and takes the book out from his bag. He reads it again and places the book silently back into Rena’s drawer. He leaves the house and drives to find the old man. Maun walks into the alley and knocks on the old man’s door. Maun questions about the device’s ability to erase memory. The old man takes him to a nearby convenience store and does a simple experiment with Maun. Maun realises the old man is not lying. Maun drives to the beach where he first met Rena. A flashback shows how Rena met Maun and comforted him when his Mum took her own life. Maun shouts at the top of his lungs towards the sea.

Night falls and Maun drives back home. Rena sits on the couch with dinner ready on the table. After dinner, the two cuddles in the couch while sipping wine. They talk about the past till they fall asleep. Maun wakes up with Rena lying on his chest. He stands up and carries Rena into her bedroom. He kisses her on the forehead, tucks her to sleep and whispers a lie while she is asleep. The scene cuts to the next morning when Rena is awakened by the sound of police sirens. Rena walks towards the knocking door and receives the news that Maun has committed suicide. She breaks down and the film dips to black. Three days later; which is the day Rena plans on committing suicide, Rena wears the device that Maun left behind and gives a eulogy at his funeral. She goes back home after giving the eulogy. Rena goes to her drawer and realises a voice recorder beside her book. She cries when she finds out that Maun had been suicidal all this while too ever since his Mum passed away and it was Rena who has kept him alive till this day. Maun hoped that Rena understands her worth and importance in life and makes use of the device to save lives. Rena erases the circle around ‘10 May’."

Boo, actually it's so incoherent and so many loopholes that I can find. I hope to refine it even further. Might post the actual screen play here too! The story might change a lot too after the lecturer comments on it so it's still quite uncertain. But I'm honestly very humbled to be learning from an actual Singaporean screen writer. 

There was so much going through my head the entire time while I write the synopsis. I can't imagine writing the screenplay hahaha.