Self-care

What a timely reminder by my sub-conscious to take care of myself.
So much shit has happened just today.
It's so freaking crazy and I didn't know how I managed to survive today.
Several panic attacks while I travelled from one meetings to another.
But I'm really thankful to people who understood me.
In the sense that though they were related to me in terms of my event, they were more concerned about my well-being first.
Like how Runi asked me how I was feeling before she started talking things to me.
Almost teared in front of her lol.
And also like Hazlee who just smoked and talk to me outside the store about how to go about doing things from now on.
And Fel, who were just reassuring me that it's not my fault and that I'm just a student etc.

However, that won't stop me thinking that I fucked certain things up.
But I think if I just kept going and focusing about how I fucked it up so badly, things would just get worse.
Nothing will move on.
I know things are going to get more stress from now on, and I think self-care is so important for me.
The last person that should criticise of my capabilities should be myself.

What a crazy day.
Will definitely remember this day.

I can't continue

With anything at all.

If I let this setback pull me down.

I'm sure I don't want to see what I've built up over the past 9 months to crumble just because of this.

I need to pick myself up.

There's so many people to answer to yes, but I would do it.

Like what Wen Shu said, I just have to try my best.

Sometimes I think whether trying my best is enough.

But I think I need to remind myself that it is enough.

And what I'm doing is sufficient.

I know that I am doing too much.

And I know that I'm not able to handle so many things at one go.

But step by step, one by one.

I'm sure things will get better.

Have confidence in myself.

Not the time to self-blame.

Let's do this.

Darkness seeps through

Like black magma.

Slowly deforming my reality.

I can't think anymore.

It's a burnt brain.

Want this to end so badly.

Stress

I'm drowning with the number of things I've got to do.
BA exco rally and studies.
I dread this week so bad.
Especially today.
Can't wait for today to end.

Generation gap

I guess I broke the news to my parents.
That I'm going to do photography after graduating.
And I also predicted their reaction.
It's no easy to be honest, but I'm super excited about my journey.
I don't think they'll ever give me the support until I can safely say that ducklight's going to be a stable job.
My father was angry at me.
And I guessed I was a little sorry as well.
To be using his money for uni but in the end turn to photography as a job.
I totally understand his anger and I find it reasonable.
But what I found unreasonable was the fact that they think that don't see it as a profession.
And that they degrade photographers to be a profession for people who don't study.
They also see university as a way to get a degree to be earning more money.
I mean that's why they kept pushing us for education.
Because they didn't have the chance to.
However, education didn't work that way.
It doesn't mean that more education = more money.
At least I don't see it that way.
I think education encompasses knowledge.
Coming to uni, I've learnt a lot.
Not just academically, but holistically.
I think I've learnt a lot from people's experiences and stories.
I've exposed myself more.
I found my place in TeamNUS which helped me grow into the climbing community more significantly.
And I do enjoy learning certain academic stuffs such as CERTAIN modules in physics and also stuffs like learning Thai and like taking my philo mod for example.
I agree that learning is a continuous process and it shouldn't just stop when we leave 'education'.
I'm eager to learn and continuing to learn.
Learn about photography, videography, marketing, PR skills and yeah basically learning to live.
I've never wanted to work a 8-5 job.
I promised myself when I was younger that I wouldn't want to see myself hating life because of work.
I want to be able to self-improve and have the ability to increase my "money-making" just by working harder.
I personally feel like working in a 8-5 limits my self-exploring skill.
Maybe it's not true but I've decided that I'm not going to find out.
And I possibly wouldn't.
1 more year to graduation.
1 more year to start making my own money.
1 more year to start stepping foot into this society.
1 more year to remind myself to be careful not to be drawn into this societal needs and drown myself.
I will prove my worth to my parents.
And I will definitely want to repay them.
In so many ways they have helped me in this 25 years.
Hope all these years of making them worry and angry will be worth it when I can finally show them this son of theirs has finally break through in his thinking somehow.

Excited.
Just so excited about my next phase of life.
Not looking forward to the setbacks but yea.
It will work out somehow I believe.

For ducklight.

Honestly

I feel so much pain from yesterday.
My comp form was just shit.
I can't even think.
My mind was not focus at all.
Think results didn't really hit me very hard cause I would say 1T2 3Z is not bad.
Got me to a rank of 27
But seriously, the self-hate is fucking real.
Hate how my mind just couldn't be present.
And how it gets so distracted so easily.
Overgripping tiles, shaking.
Fucking weak mental.

Noisy head

Waking up this morning with thought infused head.
Was mainly thinking about how this selfish behavior has led me to losing friends.
And the thing is I don't care.
But somehow I know deep inside, there's so many people that's on my mind.
But I've chose to disregard it and just fuck things up.
I don't know.
It suddenly feel purposeless to have certain friends.
To do certain things.
To have goals.
These thoughts have somehow just re-emerged from the bottom of the pits.
Coming out to haunt me again.
Whenever I stare at something in focus, it blurs out and it seems like I'm staring at myself from afar instead, in the most literal sense.
There's so many people that I want to make things up for.
People that has helped me through the darkness but I just feel so selfish and I feel that things are different.
Lost that comfort with people.
I guess it's good in a way.
To be more dependent on myself.
But idk, the things I've been doing on a day to day basis has been making things worse.
It feels like I cannot function properly.
So much work to catch up on, but I'm just doing random stuffs like playing DFFOO, dota or whatever shit.
I don't even dare to say I hate this lifestyle.
Because secretly, it's nice comfort to be lazing my life away.
But at the end of it I know this lazing will cause some pain in the end.
This post is just a random rant about whatever that's coming through the cracks.
Climbing gets scary sometimes.
I feel that I have too much pressure on myself now.
I think there are good days which I don't recognise it as much as last time.
And the bad days just amplify and make my head worse.
I know I need to stand up and start walking.
But sitting down here just has so much inertia.
It's scary that the longer you sit, the higher the inertia.
And all you can do is just stare at the world revolve while you stay status quo.