As I close my eyes

I could see images of friends crying in front of me.
I could hear them sobbing.
Yet the only thing I can do is stare.
Sometimes I wish this over-feeling for people can be translated to actions I can do to make them feel better.

Judging myself

Even before you

Where has it gone?

Just can't seem to find back.

It's the inner battle

that's more torturous than anything else.
It starts tonight.
It's going to be tough, but I know I can win it again.

But what if I don't.

(Well, hopefully the other side of the head will crumble this thought above before it develops to any thing else)

A timely reminder

Not the best of time but..
Suddenly just 'popped out' of my head while smoking in the toilet just now.
I realised I haven't been talking to most of my friends.
Was scrolling through insta and looking at wilfred and wei lun's photos.
And I'm just thinking how long I haven't had a proper talk with Wilfred.
Or like how long I haven't properly talked to my old friends.
Everyone's just in exchange.
Kenny, Ivan, Vincent, Wei Lun.
I guess everyone's just leading their own life too.
It's kinda weird to think about this right now.
But to realise I've really been too caught up with my own head that I don't even have time to catch up with friends.
I wished my mind wasn't a needy one.
It cries for its own attention.
Sucking itself in.
Twirling down into something I can't even have control over.
Well I mean when I close my eyes tonight and open them tomorrow morning, this sudden 'pop out' would just disappear and that mundane life stuck with the own head will just continue.
I have so much to catch up on with school too.
It's week 6 and I feel that school hasn't really started.
It's just been a mess with no direction.
Skipping lectures, telling tutorial friends I'm sick.
Crashing in day times.
What else can I say?
It's just been a fuzz ever since things have became this way.

Well then again, the self-doubt is kicking in.
Whether I'm really out of my head for a moment.
Or is it just a 4:21am thought.
I don't know.
And I shan't go there before I sleep.

7 hours

Just survive it

I'm not alone

Living with anxiety for me means living every day with the constant worry that everyone in my life who means something to me will one day up and leave me. It means needing to insistently talk to and interact with everyone in my life. I feel like I am holding a bundle of helium-filled air balloons, and the more I talk to someone, the tighter my grip on the string gets, and the less likely they are to get away.

Yet, life and experience have taught me this is the exact thing that makes people want to leave even more. The more I smother and pull, the farther away they get. My constant insecurity of being alone drives me to push people out of my life. Now isn’t that ironic?

I’m scared to be alone because that means I will be alone with my thoughts — the worry and the constant running to-do list that will never be finished. My anxiety makes me high maintenance, and there is nothing people hate more than dealing with someone who is high maintenance. It is exhausting, I have to live with myself every day.

This downward spiral of not wanting to be alone has gotten to the point that if I don’t talk to someone every day, I have accepted the fact that they hate me and have rid me from their life.

However, reality has taught me people just get busy — for days, weeks, or even months at a time, and that doesn’t mean they don’t love you anymore. You don’t need to talk to someone 24/7. It’s smothering. My goal is to start living in the moment with myself more.

My goal is to try and start controlling my anxiety and channeling it in different ways than tethering myself to everyone around me. I want to be able to let myself fly away sometimes. Let myself worry but talk it out with me. I want to be able to start troubleshooting my own problems and trust myself to be alone again. I want to be able to enjoy being alone, entirely and solely in touch with myself and how I feel. I’m hoping this will start to allow me to trust others more and believe in myself.