Yup

 I typed all of that with half of my eyes closed. 

>.O

Fiercly passionate huh?

How do I? 

I woke up with a quote in mind

To be 'fiercely passionate about life.'

Since there's really only this one life that we are all gonna live.

It was quite a weird dream.

But I remembered dreaming of watching a TeamNUS climbing video. 

Where it was about choosing the next exco.

And it was the year that I stepped up to be the captain of the team 

The video was intense.

Filmed in a docu style and I remember it was quite nicely filmed by me, and I was in my head, hoping that Dion (who was watching with me) will find it nice.

There were the two ivans too. 

It was back to uni days, looking for my tutorial room. Was late, slightly nervous, slightly dgaf. 

Was texting hoho and asking where is low.

Found low in a empty classroom and sleeping.

He was snoring so loud. 

Took a tele bubble and send ho.

Then went to find ho.

Became a game where we were shooting monsters. 

Like l4d, there was a moment I was pretending to be dead.

Then the opponent monster came to me and whisper in my year, just surrender if not I gna crush this skull of yours.

Fk I even dreamt of destin, wilfred.

Destin was in house. He has a elder bro that recently passed away. His gaming desktop became an altar.

Which looked really nice.

Fk there was kenny too

I was filming Destin, then I remembered wanting to add turquoise spotlight on the scene.

Fhen I walked past kenny and ask whether he saw my small pocket light.

He say AS10 ah? I put in your room already.

Then for wilfred, it was like a class.

He was the one saying 'good morning class' in a super mcm phm way.

Then I walked past him and repeated to him in a guai lan way 'good mOrNiNg cLasS'

Yeah that's about it.

But I remembered being quite inspired by my own video about me becoming a captain .

Still remembered tearing while watching the video lol.

And idk but somehow, I felt like I went through the heavily woven time and space of friendships and phases.

And I woke up telling myself that I need to be fiercely passionate about life. 

Don't let the 'mundane' kill the 'beautiful' life has to offer.

Hit the milestone

I started this blog when I was 15 years old.

Now I am double the age of it.

What do I feel about it?

What would 15 years old me feel if he knows I'm still writing here 15 years later?

I've definitely seen more things than he had.

But I think the core if who he was hasn't change much.

I'm still navigating life as it comes along.

No said big goals or aspirations.

Maybe slightly (in my career sense) but I wouldn't take that as ultimatum 'life goals

It's my 3rd day of being 30 and what triggered me to write today was what I saw at the kopitiam across my place.

It was really just an ordinary (depressive) morning, I was heading for lunch.

As I was ordering my food, a well dressed mid 30s lady was on her phone.

After ordering my food, I gave a glance at her again.

Our eyes met and tears were flowing down her cheeks.

I saw her blink and two teardrops fell.

While I was waiting for my food, I felt very triggered because she kinda represented my inner being.

It was a seemingly long stand off, me at my line and her holding her phone across her ears.

Before my food came, she stood up and quickly walked away.

What really came to my mind wasn't questions about what happened.

But more of a reminder to me that almost everyone out here is the same.

We all have our struggles but it's never openly shown.

One of my friends who I least thought was struggling came over and visited my blog.

He first asked if I was okay, and next he talked to me about his anxiety.

And it kinda came crushing on me that day that whatever I felt of people being better off than me was false.

Yes maybe in certain aspects, but if we were stripped off of all our societal statuses -

WE.ARE.ALL.THE.SAME.

I finished the last moments of my late twenties being in reservist too.

It was honestly quite a nice reset to my depressive cycle in July.

And I was glad my fog disappeared.

Even for a short while, it was sufficient for me to think.

I just wanna write about what happened in the first week of outfield.

Alpha was tasked to clear these certain sectors but most of my guys died in the first building.

While I was garnering whoever that was alive to charge to the next building, suddenly the malays from my original platoon put back their helmet (they were not dead but pretending to be dead)

That 5 of them put back their helmet again and decided to fight with me. 

Such a simple act but I'm so glad that after so many years, they are still willing to act for me.

Some of them 30 years old as well.

At that moment, though I was tired, I was very motivated to be backed by them.

And as a company, we managed to clear all our objectives and killed our enemies.

That was a story that will live on with me whenever I think of my guys.

Thank you guys <3

After being on a music and film drought, it's time for me to catch up on these things.

Still uncertain about my career but I kinda figured that I really want to pursue creating content that are music related.

Not sure how I'll get there but, I believe as long as I know what I really want, I will get there.

Too positive a post that scares me too.

But I guess my blog needs a negative break.

Lol.

HP30BD to me

Thankful for last night

For being forced to talk about how I am rn.

And just openly sharing about our pasts.

I know I was slightly impacted because I thought about what she said last night.

I think more on "if you drink everyday, it's foggy"

I hvn't heard someone explain my situation better than that lol.

Guess she went through that too

And you know,

Just reading through the previous posts,

and realising how I've been mentioning about how I'm turning 30.

So I guess this is the theme in my head for awhile now.

At least I'm able to pin point to it.

Will find some time to sit with myself and just think through this question.

As I sat on the bathroom floor

It was a weird mix of anxiety and depression.

I feel like I was panicking but it feels like the depression is numbing things out.

I feel like tearing up but my heart was beating too fast.

I don't like today at all.

My thoughts are just going on and on about how fucked up of a person I am.

And I really don't want to see anyone.

Don't want to leave my bedroom,

Don't want to leave the shower.

I don't even know what I want to write.

LosT is playing in the background.

And the lyrics are hitting so hard.

"If I keep this up, I think I'm gonna break down"

It's exactly what I am doing right now.

Keeping this fucking toxic lifestyle up.

Drinking every night.

Sleeping at 530am and waking up at 3pm

I don't even know why there's this constant reminder thought that I'm turning 30 soon.

I don't even know what I'm fearing about turning 30.

Is it because I'm single and lonely now?

Is it because I have lost my drive and passion for work?

Or is it just because I'm fucking LOST rn?

(And that I shouldn't be as a 30 years old man)

I know these thoughts will simmer down later.

But I'm just writing it out because I can't take this head now.

I feel so useless.

And the scary thing is, it's not just a thought thing right?

I can tangibly see why I feel this way.

The actions I'm doing is just adding to the fact that I am useless.

And then feeling useless and just doing the same actions.

It feels so weird to rant even.

Cause I'm at an AGE where I should have already figured things out.

Or more so, I should be able to handle these thoughts and feelings by myself already.

It's not like I haven't been through these feelings before.

But the fucked up thing is,

I can't.

I can't handle any of this bullshit head rn.

Fuck off.

Depresso 2

I didn't even know I blogged last night lol.

But it was quite a intense night.

These days feel like a fucking mess waiting to happen.

My heart wrenches at how I'm unable to feel.

I'm so numb from my own lifestyle.

Gaming till 6am, going in and out of my room just to smoke.

Months are so quiet that it makes the inner demon scream so loud.

My dad asked if I was earning enough,

And asking why I'm sleeping so late.

How do I answer these questions that I myself have no answers for?

While I was high 5 days ago, I recalled how happy I was when the only problem I had was,

What Ice Cream do I want?

And also watching Grampians video yesterday just makes me miss the me over there.

Such simple life.

Recently I was wondering, if my parents aren't around anymore.

Would I be more at peace with myself.

The fear of being a burden would be less right?

At the end of this post,

I'm just glad I still have this safe space to vomit.

I'm turning 30 so soon.

Idk why it scares me so much.

Weird end but ok.

Bye.