On my lips.
But it is this moment that make me feel most human. (I think?)
Just thinking it's so great that I have a blog that allows me to track down my inner state.
And this inner state has been recorded for the past 14 years or so.
I've grown so much since my first post hahaha.
But I'm still me~
Good night.
There is no one size fits all self-consoling sentence.
And some days I should allow my emotions through instead of lying to myself.
Let me be me man
Everybody schemin' manLet me be me man
Everybody schemin' manMentally.
Just some rare nights here and there.
But it might be because I've been busy these days with work too.
But work aside, I've been spending my awake time / idle time appreciating music.
Like properly listening to music.
And I feel like damn, why haven't I done that when I was younger.
It's even the same for drawing.
Kinda regret now that I'm 29 but have never properly pursue things that I like.
Just wanted to write today because I wanted to talk about the music I've been finding recently.
Hip hop/ rap/ chill(?)
Recently enjoying swervy, yunhway, apoki and lil cherry ALOT.
Swervy and lil cherry for their hard raps.
It hits so hard that it feels like it kinda symbolises me trying to fight my demon yknow.
It reminds me that if I want to win the mental war, I've gotta be tougher than the fker in my head.
And these raps hit hard and some days it just makes me feel more confident as a person.
Like on a day to day basis, example when I'm climbing, I feel like I can express the rage in the music on the walls.
Or when I shoot, I can imagine the MV of these songs and I think it just makes me more creative (?)
But yeah, just wanted to log that I MLL yesterday but actually feeling quite alright.
Went to a wake yesterday and it was nice just seeing her and talking to her.
Hope she will be alright after the wake..
Ok I'm gonna continue drinking and listening to music.
But main main purpose of this post was really to talk about the appreciation of music and how it might have been the thing that's helping with my mental health.
Fight the demons with even harder shit.
And earn some self love and higher self esteem.
"So what if I have to reset my life?" might be the overall theme since last week.
Let's go?
It's been awhile and I must say it has been quite a nice break from trading.
I'm writing this because I just DLL-ed on my account after getting back.
It's been a nice one week of really just focusing on myself and drowning myself in music and drawing I guess.
And watching MVs and films and like getting inspiration for things again.
I felt like myself again.
I went to climb today and it felt good to try hard again.
Getting back to trading today, there is just so much trauma.
I guess even though I already anticipated either I will DLL or up the max amount today, DLL feels so damn familiar and so painful.
And it's scary to be on the fence now seeing the two sides of the field.
One side of the field being completely free from trading.
Just hustling real hard for money through my works and just improving myself and finding that passion again.
And the other side of the field being focusing on trading with that glimpse of hope that I will succeed one day and be financially free - and then continue focusing on expressing myself.
Honestly at this stage of being 29, it really is scary to choose either side.
I'm just scared of failing either way I guess.
And I have been thinking that trading is the easier choice but it just isn't proving itself after such a long time.
Suddenly just feeling this financial stress all over again.
When I actually had 70 - 80% forgot about it last week.
Or maybe I was just forcing myself to think that I have forgotten about it.
Idk man.
I guess there's less post now on my blog.
And I guess I'm feeling better?
But today just felt like a repeat of everything.
