So many posts today

But I guess this is probably the truest post since I'm mellowing down now.

It was a nice day despite feeling so much.

Just finished watching Elemental and just wanted to write down my feelings after watching it.

Ember's relationship with her Dad...

It just felt exactly like the one with my Dad.

I guess when I was younger, I think Dad was pretty proud of me.

I think out of the 3 of us, I'm the one that gave him the least trouble growing up.

And I just feel like I was his pride.

Being able to study in local U, and earning big bucks in the future.

And I guess things turned for the worse when he knew what I wanted to do.

Film.

In the last few years ever since I have decided on this path, I knew I would be breaking his heart.

I remembered very clearly crying out in Hampi, thinking that I'm the worst son ever.

And that I am the most unfilial one.

I think in Elementals, I could feel it so strongly when Ember said to her Dad and apologised for being a bad daughter.

That line crashed me because that's exactly how I've been feeling with my Dad.

And with this trading thing that's been ongoing in my life, I have no courage to tell him that it's been rough for me but I'm just trying very hard in life.

I'm sure he knows I go out to drink at night when I say I'm going opposite.

And I'm sure he knows I'm trying very hard.

But it just hurts knowing that I'm not progressing in life.

And I don't know if there will be a day where he will be proud of me.

In Elementals, Ember's Dad told her that his dream was never for her to take over the shop.

It felt like an analogy for me that my Dad's dream wasn't for me to make big bucks or whatsoever.

I think he will be proud of me, if I am proud of myself one day.

It felt really good to cry it out in the theatre.

And luckily this time round there wasn't annoying kids like when I was watching spider verse.

That short 2 hour felt like a self-therapy session.

Or rather the whole of today felt like a soul searching day.

And I'm sure I will feel it even more in the few days that I'm gonna be in Bangkok alone.

I am kinda excited and scared of being with me at the same time.

4 more days.

Let's find some self love please.

And self care.

See you then.

Recently on my darker days,

 I feel like no single soul in this universe can ever understand me anymore.

Feels like I've drifted too far from the norm.

Some days just feel like I'm insane y'know?

And lonely.

Sadge. 

As if there's no point to even talk to anyone anymore.

(Don't worry guys, I'm just trippin a little now.)

But not entirely untrue yeah...

I'll read back again for sure.

It's kinda raining now at ecp.

But just sitting here and just harvesting the energy from this world.

Both living and non-living.

Feels pretty incredible.

The world is indeed very very beautiful.

Life seems

Beautiful today.

Walking around ecp and seeing smiles everywhere and happy sights...

Makes me feel that I'm so silly to be feeling what I'm feeling.

A thought came to me

'Why would I leave this beautiful world behind'

Life seems pretty boring

Without some drinks.

So here I am drinking alone.

And just soaking in the universe.

Just pondering about life in totality.

About the things I love.

And the things I cherish.

And how I have been.

It's a quiet night.

And it's....

Kinda nice to spend some time listening to me.

Dream

I dreamt that I went overseas with my family.

And we were so...

Happy?

I don't feel judged at all.

And I could fully express my love for my parents.

It was...

Nice.

Today's first ciggie

 Hit fking strong

Disconnected beings

Always wonder about how disconnected we are now with technology.

Especially when I'm travelling on public transport.

We all share the same physical space but at the same time not in the same space.

It's kinda sad in a way.