Am drinking now but was just wondering about things.
Was wondering about how I judge myself for things I do that seem overboard.
And giving myself that ultimatum that I'm depressed and I'm not normal at all.
And that literally just opens up that sinkhole and everything just spirals into it.
On the way to work now and just thinking how difficult it is to speak out about mental health at work.
I mean if you are late for work because you had a rough morning head, and it was hard for you to get out of bed.
You can't simply say, "Sorry I'm depressed."
I feel like the general reaction from people would be to think it's just an excuse.
Or simply put, just weak.
I don't know... I'm viewing this from a normal person's POV and it really does sound like bullshit.
But viewing this from someone struggling, it does sound really unfair though.
To be judged in that way.
Just a reminder to myself to be kind to people.
You'd never know.
And no I wasn't late for work to write this hahaha.
Was just writing in my journal and thought this pretty much sums up however I'm feeling ever since I came back from Grampians?
The walls that I've built for protection are now deterring my true emotions from pouring out.
There were so many moments I really felt like crying out loud but just ended up with teary eyes.
And that itself is pretty frustrating.
Everything's in a fucking mess right now.
I feel very lonely in whatever I'm dealing with.
Can't deal with this trading shit but somehow always end up getting back.
Finances are in shit right now.
Told myself to take a break.
And then just putting in more money to burn.
Told myself to take this world slow
Played ml from 2pm to 6.45am
I did practically nothing today.
Other than losing game and losing money.
I have just uninstalled the two apps.
Please, I need some sanity.
I don't know why I'm acting this way today too.
It's almost 7am, the birds are chirping.
And I feel very very lonely.
And I'm scared of waking up because the next morning I'll feel even worse about myself.
I'm just ranting.
Hate this.
Life.
Messy chaotic situation that I don't wanna be in.
I want out.
Now.
So many things happened in my head.
But nothing happened in reality. (Really, nothing happened)
But that same emotion that's flooding internally is expressed outwardly.
And it sucks that I can't really control this false altered experience.
And I just perpetually feel apologetic for making the external world feel tense around me.
But sometimes I wonder if it's entirely false.
History has taught me that my senses are pretty accurate.
I yearn to learn the truth.
Soon I hope.
The concept of death and grief had always been the toughest things to talk about.
But it was beautifully written in this chapter of the book that I'm reading.
It describes the pain, the discomfort of the topic with your loved ones and post-grief life.
So difficult to read but it changed a part of me, even if it's the slightest bit.
