COOL

*cues NMIXX ENTWURF COOL while writing this*

On the grab to work now. 

Have been procrastinating this post for so so long. 

So much on my mind right now (now as in these few weeks) that I find it really hard to get by day to day life.

One aspect of these issues is getting better I guess.

It was a quiet month for work for like 3 weeks?

The old fear of me lasting in this industry came back haunting me.

That's one.

Sleeping at 6am and waking at 3pm had been my body clock for the past weeks as well.

I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling right now but I'm definitely not feeling well mentally.

Of course not as intense as what used to be, but these 3 weeks were so scary.

Random talk to Megan at Vic's event was nice though I wished I was a little more sober.

We went straight into deep concepts about life which I really enjoyed.

Though I spaced out quite quickly during the conversation, I could feel the sincerity of having a nice conversation.

ICT is coming really soon.

As I was bathing just now, I think the biggest fear I think I'm gonna have is to act as if I'm alright.

Like I need to survive not letting my head take over my responsibilities of being an OC.

In short, the situation can be described as having added responsibilities with an already overly saturated head.

I know these will pass soon.

But living in it right now is so scary.

Having my head tell me how much of a loser I am every time I wake up.

How I suck at everything I do.

Climbing, work, maintaining relationships.

And short-lived motivation always causes a greater downfall.

I need rest.

But I don't know how to.

這幾天

都是一直坐在電腦前打游戲。

就像她當年所説的，

“你是不是在用電動來逃避現實？”

應該把。

《孤獨》

這歌詞把我的心聲完完全全說了出來。

Eh 又是另一個夜 雨飄的夜
在一條喧鬧後的街 我望著月亮
忘了是雨還是淚水突然滑過臉上
心喃喃自語 我卻又聽不見
白天 我總笑容滿面
為什麼每夜 我總輾轉難眠
自律和壓抑 到底如何分辨
說要做自己 卻不敢對自己正眼

原來孤獨
是燈光下 所有人都對我佩服
但月光下 卻一直害怕自己退步
你別停下 有個聲音催促
但這無盡的賽跑為何追逐
If ain't nobody stayed with me
那這是演給誰的戲
我看著一路多少人都撲空
到最後 怕自己也沒什麼不同
也背向了背向了初衷

皎潔的月光 請潔淨我
洗淨年月潑的墨
熄滅我吞下的煙火 oh

Eh 我從小到大 凡事都要做到第一位
再艱難咬著牙 再累我不流一滴淚
我有著強迫症的意志力 天賦不能浪費
我讓我家裡幾個櫃子里都放滿了獎杯
這世界告訴你 成功要靠自己
什麼叫做成功我卻不知道定義
我已經變得熱可炙手
但優秀還是沒有為我帶來自由 Oh

原來孤獨
是感覺自己是那藍天下的枯樹
站在高處
傷口得自己捂住 無處哭訴
雖然我堅強但是我也偶爾無助
每當我祈禱上帝說努力了就好
但面對世界我只感覺自己瘦小
They say when you're lonely, hang out with homies
他們不懂 說得容易
但我的home里只有me

皎潔的月光 請潔淨我
洗淨年月潑的墨
熄滅我吞下的煙火

對自己說了多少遍
I'm a superwoman
我逼著心裡面 那渴望愛的小女生
要學會成熟點 有話就說給日記本
終於發現世界再冷 沒有我對自己狠

我爸教我恆心能讓 鐵柱變成針
但一不小心能讓 泥足陷很深
我是不是應該換個第三人稱
問問自己 其實想過什麼樣的人生

原來孤獨
是想哭卻又不想矚目
是努力融入
但你還 常常感覺自己格格不入
是不想辜負了期待
你卻又感覺束縛
唯一的安撫
是知道世界之大
這一刻和你一樣
感到孤獨的無數

結局

 又到了一個結局。

沒想到這幾個禮拜好好的， 原來是埋在心裏深深的。

泡沫爆了。

凡事都得這樣結束吧。

好累啊。

沒想到想要當一個正常的人不簡單。

我還以為。。。

心情不好

 I feel like I'm in the darkest pit of humanity rn.

And it feels so okay to just disappear from this Earth.

Very tired.

Drank a bit.

Talked a bit.

Maybe shouldn't have talk.

All the fucking useless things in my mind just explode out like that.

Cri.

Just cry... 

Downfalls high

August.

Probably feeling like shit because sometimes I'm not adulting as well as those around me.

But I told myself never to let life be a race with the people around me, the community and the society.

I'll remind myself to do things my own pace.

Past few days have been too real it became intense.

I guess it's almost 2 1/2 years I've spoke my heart out to someone.

Nevertheless, still felt good that I've finally said it.

Okay, not that I actually wanted to say it so early on.

But the question was just too tough to answer.

And I guess the biggest reason was I could never lie to someone I care about.

Whether or not I've said everything I wanted to say,

or whether I was in the right state of mind when I say it,

I just hope that things doesn't turn too uncomfortable.

And I guess I'm gonna be the one who think more about this ha ha.

Just hope things will turn out well regardless the road ahead.

Heads been in a weird space I think.

I think I've been running on auto pilot lately.

Need to do what I did when I had covid.

Really just stop and think about everything that's happening around me.

And just slow the fuck down.

SKRRRT

Hi, it's been 40 days since I picked up skating and I just wanna log the feeling right now.

IT IS SO FUN.

And I'm sad that I only started when I'm bout to turn 28.

But it's okay!! At least I found a new sport.

Obsessed might be the right word for this.

My IG reels, FB reels, tiktok, douyin all are starting to be filled with skating videos.

It's kind of like how I started climbing back then.

And I think this is going to stick with me for a long time.

Can't believe that I never pick up any new sport after climbing for so many years.

But seeing how I've climbed 12 years in just a blink of an eye, I think I will continue skating until maybe a family happen or something HAHAHAHA.

But it's nice!!

I really enjoy learning new tricks or just cruising around with earpiece on.

And just enjoy the night breeze with music and the mind is just clear.

Haven't really stopped properly to think about my life progress.

In terms of like career and mental health.

Skating has kind of take over that and I think it's both good and bad depends how you view it.

But hopefully, I can integrate skating better with my mind.

I remember 2 sessions ago I was at hougang skatepark by myself at night after Bali.

And I was trying to land a trick (rolling shuvit) I've never learnt before.

I was so frustrated and kind of unhappy.

I stopped and kind of reflect on my own emotions.

Like why am I feeling like this.

It's supposed to be something that makes me happy, why am I not?

And it struck me that it's so similar to climbing.

When you can't land a trick, it's kinda same as not being able to send a route that very session.

And this reminds me that I haven't thought of climbing in such details recently too.

Just chill climb and chit chat and y'know kinda just flow.

And like how I always compare climbing to my life situation currently, it's exactly it.

Chill.

And flow.

I'm not putting additional effort nor am I not trying hard.

Just not extra hard.

Exactly like my career and things that are happening around me rn.

I get stressful that I might not be progressing in my career / I'm not doing anything to improve.

But I think the word FLOW is so significant  to me rn.

Just let nature set its own path.

I also would like to think that it's because I don't have much liability as a single 28 yo man haha ha.

Maybe things might change in the near future.

We'll see~

Also, been talking a lil more to M recently.

Hmm

Hng

Anw, Bali was a great trip.

That trip trip wasn't that great but still a great trip afterall haha.

Highlight for me was really seeing the sunrise at Mt Batur.

Really really beautiful.

And it was an awesome moment :')

And I told Allson that I wanna go back there one day with the LOML.

LOL.

Okay bye