Therapist

I feel like nothing is going to work out if my mental state stays like this.

Like friends, families, career etc etc.

I guess that explains why I don't really want to meet new people too cause I can't even get past my own head.

Let alone have another person come into my life.

But dreamt of M yesterday for the first time.

Lol, and went back to check what's the last thing I didn't reply.

So much feels because it was kinda my decision to leave it hanging like that.

And now I'm regretting my decisions.

And that's how life these few days have been.

Just regretting and forget.

And let everything - pain / happiness / emotions in general to just flow in this infinite river,

That brings so much blur and out of the world kind of depersonalisation.

It's as if I only have a few hours of sober each day.

Damn.

28岁未成年

 

Have not bawled like this in a long while.

And I guess that is the power of film.

Finally something that made me feel.

As the movie ended, I stared at that empty bowl in front of me.

And that sudden realisation, as if it's a third person's perspective, hit me so hard.

This was really such an empowering show and I loved the whole plot so much.

Thought I was going to watch a typical romance (just so I can feel again y'know?)

But this surprisingly did not put my past relationship into perspective (which I thought it would) but instead, my whole life flashed past me.

To put things into perspective for those who have not watched this (spoiler alert), it's about the juxtaposition of this 28 year old woman and her 17 year old self.

The struggle of an adult and the naiveness of a teenager.

This show oddly summoned that old me and when that show ended, it felt like I was in JC and looking at where I was sitting as of now - in front of two huge monitor with a empty bowl of maggie in front of me.

If I were to talk to myself like in the show, I would very much like to say sorry to the old me for being in this current state. Not loving myself, lacking motivation in whatever I do and in this fucking pathetic state of life right now.

And if my old me were to see where I'm at right now, I'm sure he'll say that he's fucking proud that I really did not choose the 8 to 5 life. I'm actually where I wanted to be 10 years later.

And putting these two perspectives together really just made me crazy.

How much I'm not taking care of myself right now.

And how much I'm not loving myself right now.

I built this all up by myself.

How can I say such bad things to myself every single time?

RAW:

Look at the feats that you have achieved.

Stop hurting yourself.

Just look at this amazing set up that you have right in front of you.

You paid for all this didn't you?

You built a career out from basically nothing but passion.

And I know that you definitely still have that fire in you.

So what if nobody sees all the hard work that you are doing?

So what if your parents don't understand?

As long as you can answer yourself.

That fire in you will lead you to where you wanna be.

And I'm sure in 10 years time you'll look back and you'll still be so proud of yourself.

Take the break that you truly deserve.

Stop saying that you are lazy.

I don't think you are lazy at all.

You have things in you that people probably won't understand.

And that's fine.

Just don't put yourself down ever again.

Wow

That was really too much feels for the night...

I've never stan someone so hard in my life.

Son Chae Young, you killed me tonight.

Your voice echoed and filled up my room.

And in that moment, nothing was bothering me.

No anxious, no depress.

That was indeed such a beautiful moment.

I'm in tears

Thank you very much :')

For making today so much better.

Probably a one off thing

But man.... That was so much feels.

Going for the wedding was like a trip down memory lane.

It was kinda intense.

Like was honestly super anxious about socialising but I guess it ended up being really nice to see everyone again.

Thankful for Dayna to fetch me there, and also yy for having a quick 5 min catch up.

Great to see Andy again, limzw, ferran.

So many people like arghh...

Some more it was the period (just woke up) when I'm most depressed or rather critical about my thoughts.

Downed some whisky and look who's there...

Damn...

All the memories came rushing back.

So much so much feels...

It's like so many hours passed the wedding but wew,

still thinking about it.

Read back on the old chats.

Didn't know 'ttyl' was 3/4 years later.

What a weird post with so much spacing.

Hardly type like that.

Well I guess it also means today was a pretty intense day lol.

Just needed a space to get this out.

But seriously... wah really.

Twice

I swear it's a cycle.

The more I watch them, the more amazing they are.

And then after getting to know them more and more, their characters etc,

Then re-watching older videos, and associating the new found character into them,

it just makes them even more crazy.

And then you know just cycle through and ahhh my heart.

HAHAHA

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

Impulse bought Formula of Love album.

Or rather pre-order 1 month before launch date.

In my mind I was like, better be a real ONCE before they are gone for good.

You know, at least have an experience of the millions of people who are crazy over K-pop groups.

Used to judge, but well look where I am now...

Also just thinking about those people who are so into cosplays.

I always judge them in my mind,

but having this crazy fandom thing going on with Twice, I think my perspective is shifting.

So what's changed for me?

Well I'm still me.

I'm still a normal human being, I don't think I'm that weird.

So I guess the perspective shifted in the sense I don't judge things I used to judge.

I don't know what's the whole point of this post LOL.

Bye.

Happy bday CYUE BTW~

Looking back

on the synopsis I wrote for SMHFF 2019.

My heart beats for the script as I read it all over again.

It's almost a time travel back.

And I'm glad I wrote it down as a story, because I think it captures a lot of the small things which I would have probably thrown it out of my brain.

One day, the script will come to fruition.

I don't need it to submit to any film festivals.

It's an expression.

And I think that's the important part of what I'm doing.

And also what's keeping me alive I guess.