Ugh

Why are you coming back?

You are so fucking hard to deal with.

That familiar mixture of cold and warm in the morning.

When the warm water hits the cold skin and toxic thoughts just start unravelling.

It's all the small stuffs, but when there are millions of them,

It just makes it hard to breathe.

And almost impossible to convince my own head otherwise.

Fall and fall.

When I've accepted that I can't do anything to solve them,

It just becomes a downward spiral.

And makes me just want to sleep and sleep.

And never wake up.

These days are tough.

They really are.

And I don't fucking know what's wrong.

I'm just trying to ride through these waves for now.

And it's going to repeat again tomorrow.

And many more tomorrows.

TWICE

 All thanks to Wei Lun, now I'm addicted to TWICE.

HAHAHAHA.

Amidst the sea of negative posts, just wanted to write something less intense.

Well, I opened this and wanted to write about how dazed I was the past few weeks but I realised that;

Ain't I always like that?

So might as well write something different.

ANW, been watching and listening alot to TWICE.

HAHAHA.

So gay but who cares.

CHAE YOUNG WOOO.

Also, have decided to work harder with my lighting skills.

Hope to learn more more more.

Just want to keep pushing for a better image, something that I will be excited to edit y'know?

I want to keep my career exciting for the years to come.

And to continue pursuing this, and self-improving.

It's getting a bit mundane at times.

Because nothing is changing.

I FORGOT WHAT BROKE MY WRITING THOUGHTS.

BUT HERE'S ANOTHER DAY.

AND

I'M,

FUCKING

DEPRESSED.,

FEELS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD HATES ME

AND THAT I'M A FUCKING SLOTH.

HATE THIS.

Numb

That's how I am.

And I guess that's what my brain is trying to solve.

By incepting these dreams that make me feel again.

You.

You were crying but he was comforting you.

It's a really weird feeling.

I'm sad that you have another 'he'.

Yet,

I'm happy that you have a 'he' to be there for you.

That at least, you have some sort of support.

And to be honest, I hope it's not just in my dream.

Snap!

I'm back lying in my bed.

Thinking of all the edits I have left.

(Well it isn't a lot anymore)

And all I feel is a complete contrast of my dream world.

I'm back into this shell.

Peeking through the cracks and honestly,

that's too much effort.

So, I sit at the corner of my shell.

And watch the world move by itself.

It's like a TV.

Things happen rapidly, like a movie trailer.

But nothing outside this shell intrigues me.

Not, anymore.

I've been searching high and low for this thing.

That very thing that will make me stand up in the shell,

And to peek through the cracks of the world again.

And, maybe.

Maybe if that inertia is high enough.

I will rip off that crack,

Squeeze myself out,

And be reborn.

And HOPE it's not yet another disguise of the world.

And please,

no more cracks.

If your funeral was tomorrow,

 That's all I wanted to say.

Been awhile

Thought I should write down some stuffs..

Wow. it's already June.

Time seems to pass faster and faster as we age.

Don't you think so?

I've actually read an article about it.

It's about how daily routines and habits squeeze our time to make it seem shorter.

So when we are young, not much habits are established yet and we are always learning new things.

Once we age, every day becomes very similar and the concept of time just fades away.

Is this what's happening to me?!

Anyway, just wanted to update myself over here.

Still super busy, still trying to fight the drown...

Sadly no buts...

But since the CB2.0 kicked in, jobs have been slowing down.

Which is a good thing in my opinion..

Can finally take some time to clear my work.

Have been binge watching several lighting channels on YouTube.

It's so fun learning them~

Like seeing how Gaffer / DPs choose their motivation for lighting a scene.

Or even what camera movement etc.

I'm learning a lot more! And hopefully I'm on track to be a DP by 2024.

KEEP LEARNING.

I remembered talking to Sheryl the other day at NUS.

And she told me she wanted to go study when she's 30.

And she suggested I do so too.

Honestly... it was such an amazing idea.

And I'd definitely have enough money by 30 to go overseas and study.

But I wonder what the circumstances will be when I am 30.

Maybe not entirely studying studying... because maybe by then my experience might have been more than what they can teach.

But more of being alone, and just cutting my life from everyone for awhile.

It's definitely something that I would keep in mind.

Shall go workiess~

Functionality Check

I think I'm so fked in my head that I'm starting to not function as a human.

When I travel to and fro shoots / travel to get stuffs, I look out of the car window and everything is a blur.

This depersonalisation is getting pretty serious.

It's a BLUR everyday.

How do I bring across the idea of BLUR here?

Vision is physically a lil blur (of course when I'm staring into blank space)

And the mind is like a cloud.

Like a black shroud around my head all the time.

And I'm starting to not now how to deal with myself.

Isn't that a scary feeling.

When you can't deal with yourself anymore but you are with yourself 24/7.

I wonder if I'm feeling like this because I woke up late today and just feeling so stressed.

Definitely.

Fucking split personality dog.

Sometimes you're fine, sometimes you're pitiful.

And right now you are pitiful.

I dreamt of a girl I have not seen before in my life.

She was staring at me for a long time.

I read it as she needed a hug.

So I reached out my hands and gave her one.

Not me trying to analyse my dreams again.

But it just made me think about how I feel like I'm always giving.

But never ever receiving.

But that's the lie that I am telling myself too.

Look at the number of buts in the last three lines.

Crazy shit.

Going nuts here.

I'm out.

Okay I'm pretty late

But feel like writing before I go for work.

Yesterday's shoot was good feel again.

I guess every shoot with MDC is very chill.

Sat on a bean bag and film, how comfortable is that.

And everyone just works together well and chill and happy.

Really enjoyed working like that.

Shall work towards having a dream team in the future too.

Recently, I think my head is abit haywired.

I think I've gotten too stress over the amount of work I need to do that I stop caring anymore.

Anyway, after yesterday night's shoot, I wanna buy more lights and some gel.

Very exciting.

Have been binge watching how to light.

Wah it's so nice to watch HAHAHA.

Hope I have more time to learn and up my level too!!

Jia you to myself.

Okay la I need to go for work.

Just felt like writing abit because I was listening to YOASOBI.

HAHAHA.

Ikura's voice is always so soothing.

Brings me to another realm where idk, I feel chill and a little more creative.

Okay one last song before I leaveeee.