7AM

 Have been trying to wake up for 7am for the past weeks.

Some days I make it some days I don't.

But I would say 80% of the time I do.

Just thinking about how long it takes for my brain to properly boot.

Or rather reboot from the fuzz the night before.

Currently it's 8.30am and I feel like I finally feel like I'm okay to start working.

This morning shit takes so damn long.

Don't know why but some days are faster than others.

It's as if the brain didn't properly rested.

Anyway, work has been getting smoother.

(It wasn't just half an hour ago.)

Perspective changes so quickly with the mood.

I swear I was panicking when I was eating breakfast just now..

And thought about all the work that I can't finish.

Now thinking again, I think I'm in quite a good pace.

Just need to keep this up and hopefully all my backlog should be able to finish by 20 April.

I hope nothing weird pops out in between.

On the bright side, shooting for Jianmakers tomorrow again.

Am always happy to shoot with them.

Maybe cause it's less boring of a job.

If I managed to finish all of these before 20 April, really hope to be able to shoot my short at the end of April.

Will need some producer job first beforehand though.

Am excited to finally see that it is slowly coming through.

And hopefully, with more practice, I can shoot more and more.

And even shoot what I wrote back in Year 4 about bullying~

Got so much to learn.

Technical and non-technical skills.

Alright I think I've wrote enough.

Back to work! 

(Hope to write 3 times a week~)

Who's reading?

 Just wondering who are these handful of readers still here.

I don't know but as I was walking home just now, I was thinking about how I should write everyday again.

As a habit.

Read my previous post.

About being self-aware and DP.

I think this writing down my thoughts definitely help with self-awareness.

It's as if when I forget about what happen just yesterday, I can read and remember how I felt and what I was thinking at that point in time.

This blog has been around since I was Sec 3.

That makes it 12 years old.

One of the things that have been constant throughout this 12 years.

If I put myself in my 15 year old self, I would be pretty amazed that I am still blogging.

Kinda like a "lol, this dude still writing."

But yeahhh, just wanted to write it out here that I am satisfied yet stress about my life now.

I backspaced when I wrote "Stress yet satisfied" hahaha.

Have been getting jobs from Mediacorp, AAG and NUS.

I think these are my biggest 'clients' right now.

They have boosted my career by a lot and I am currently learning a lot more about the non-technical side of stuffs.

To name a few, quotations, management, relationship and timeline.

I'm still not the best at all these stuffs but I am learning bit by bit.

As I was bathing just now, I just thought whether I could continue this.

I'm definitely tired and burnt out.

So how do I continue doing this if I am like this.

And just kept thinking whether I can be happy with who I am.

Sad.

Was in such a flow to write but got interrupted by Keith.

It's okay, I shall end it here since I've to start doing work too.

Hope to blog more even if I'm busy or tired or have no feels to.

I think it will really help me to feel.

And also help with being self-aware.

Slow the FUCK down

 Brain, you have been overworking lately.

You need to slow the FUCK down.

You don't have to overwork just because there's too much work.

Slow down.

Take it bit by bit.

Still waiting though.

For the day when I can disappear.

I should force set a day.

A lil too loud

This morning was quite loud.

Might be cause of the dream.

Might be lack of sleep.

While I was showering just now, was trying to understand my current mental state.

I realised I'm mostly blank most of the time.

It's either that or it just explodes at one moment and the things I've tried to block come all at once.

It's like a ticking bomb.

And also, while I was showering, I was thinking to myself.

If I could do anything right now, what's the things I wish to do now?

I wish to talk to you.

I wish to shoot a story.

I wish to have a mental state that is always self-aware, instead of DP-ing it away.

Yesterday, went to khai's place to have lunch and realised I haven't seen all of them for a good 3 months?

And also haven't climbed for 2 full months.

Honestly it is the longest break from climbing (other than me breaking my leg)

And how do I feel about that?

I don't know, I can't really say I miss it.

But yet I still kinda miss it?

It's a weird feeling.

Gonna go hiking with the bros soon.

Haven't exercised for so long, honestly quite scared hahaha.

Hustle culture?

What's wrong with hustling?

Murphy's law

 Two days of murphy's law, this needs to be logged.

Didn't bring HDMI yesterday, grab to buy and grab to go back set.

Didn't return pass today, already reaching studio, then receive call that I forgot to return.

So buona > paya > buona > hougang.

(Spent a total of 1/4 of my earnings on grab lol.)

What da fak.

Asked Ivan help me dabao dinner cause I damn late.

Came home and realised I forgot I told my mum I cooked.

Fuck

Then ask Ivan cancel, then realised my bro hvn't eat.

Then ask him to don't cancel.

Then my bro say nvm cancel.

But Ivan alr ordered.

Then everyone unhappy.

Wooo

Fking shit two days.

AH!

As it crawls through the bloodstream,

It beats faster and faster.

AH!

A scream won't stop it.

It seems so unstoppable.

It continues crawling.

Nothing can stop it.

All these flashbacks, they're rolling out like film.

I feel so expressive now.

And maybe I don't want this to stop.

AH!

The heart is making it uncomfortable.

It is a familiar place.

That I haven't visited in awhile.

It is a strange haven.

But this is where I ought to be.

Let it flow.

Let it flow all out.

Even if it brings shivers.

I can see the story so clearly.

It is so heartbreaking.

AH!

"It's been long since I felt this happy."

I felt those words.

We were in the same world.

Even if it was a split second.

Take care my brother.

Expression

Ah, drawing based on from how I felt it
In that color I chose myself
In the morning surrounded by a sleepy atmosphere
The blue sky I visited
To say that I like the things I like
It is scary and I can’t help it
But, I fеlt that

I had met my true self

Maybe not the best translation, but the song has made me question about film as art instead of career.

Great to have random reminders from the things I see everywhere in my waking life.

It was all meant as a form of expression at the start.

It isn't supposed to be what it is now.

Gotta stay strong.

Gotta stay so fucking strong in this world.