Murphy's law

 Two days of murphy's law, this needs to be logged.

Didn't bring HDMI yesterday, grab to buy and grab to go back set.

Didn't return pass today, already reaching studio, then receive call that I forgot to return.

So buona > paya > buona > hougang.

(Spent a total of 1/4 of my earnings on grab lol.)

What da fak.

Asked Ivan help me dabao dinner cause I damn late.

Came home and realised I forgot I told my mum I cooked.

Fuck

Then ask Ivan cancel, then realised my bro hvn't eat.

Then ask him to don't cancel.

Then my bro say nvm cancel.

But Ivan alr ordered.

Then everyone unhappy.

Wooo

Fking shit two days.

AH!

As it crawls through the bloodstream,

It beats faster and faster.

AH!

A scream won't stop it.

It seems so unstoppable.

It continues crawling.

Nothing can stop it.

All these flashbacks, they're rolling out like film.

I feel so expressive now.

And maybe I don't want this to stop.

AH!

The heart is making it uncomfortable.

It is a familiar place.

That I haven't visited in awhile.

It is a strange haven.

But this is where I ought to be.

Let it flow.

Let it flow all out.

Even if it brings shivers.

I can see the story so clearly.

It is so heartbreaking.

AH!

"It's been long since I felt this happy."

I felt those words.

We were in the same world.

Even if it was a split second.

Take care my brother.

Expression

Ah, drawing based on from how I felt it
In that color I chose myself
In the morning surrounded by a sleepy atmosphere
The blue sky I visited
To say that I like the things I like
It is scary and I can’t help it
But, I fеlt that

I had met my true self

Maybe not the best translation, but the song has made me question about film as art instead of career.

Great to have random reminders from the things I see everywhere in my waking life.

It was all meant as a form of expression at the start.

It isn't supposed to be what it is now.

Gotta stay strong.

Gotta stay so fucking strong in this world.

YOASOBI

I'm sorry to you.

For not taking care of you.

For sweeping problems under and

Pretending that everything is fine.

I didn't give you the space to breathe.

I locked you in the room for hours.

I gave you the same old toxic habits every day.

I didn't think of you.

You were screaming to me.

You said you were trapped.

I drowned your screams even more.

It was honestly pleasuring to not hear you again.

But not for long.

I kinda missed you.

Where are you?

Will you do that scream again?

We should reconnect soon.

Untimely updates

Drowning at work right now.

Shouldn't even have the time to be blogging right now but I am so fking stressed..

I just hope I get through this alive.

I swear I am disappearing in terms of my weight.

And I swear my sleep debt is pretty insane.

I am tired and worn out.

I just want to sleep and not care about work for awhile.

But I can't.

I can only keep on pressing.

I know I'm whining like a lil bitch but I don't give a fuck.

This is my space and I deserve all the rants I want.

This is seriously so tiring.

I didn't expect it to be so tough.

It's taking away my joy from what I love to do.

And I fucking hate that it is happening.

Going force a leave for myself once things are cleared.

I need my fucking time.

Z

Busy

 Lately, I've been busy with work.

It's probably one of the first few times I feel that what I'm doing is legit and that I'm able to grow this dream of mine.

How do I put it, I am really busy, but I can't seem to handle it.

It kinda feels like uni days when I have so much things to do and I'm starting to stress up.

And when I do stress up, things get done even slower.

Then it causes the start of the piling up.

I have currently about 9 edits to complete.

After tomorrow's shoot, 12 edits. 

Let's hope to clear all these 12 by 13 Feb, that is 8 days. 

Which means I need to finish 1 or 2 edits a day.

Sounds easy, but every edit there's a draft 2 and draft 3.

I'm not really complaining, but I am just very stressful..

This is definitely nothing compared to the depression when there's literally no jobs at all.

At least I wake up with distractions.

Distractions stacked over distractions.

At least my mind doesn't wander off and think of all the painful things that's happening with me now.

Or is that really a good thing?

Is escaping really what I need now?

I don't know.

I am escaping these questions as well.

Just like a robot.

2020

In a blink of an eye, yet another year has passed.

It's been quite a long time since I wrote but it's new year so I guess it's mandatory.

Well, what a weird year it has been.

I guess the most significant part of 2020 was really the outbreak of COVID-19 and the impact it has on everyone's life.

It's been 1 1/2 years since I graduated and I guess it's been 1 1/2 years of hustling with this industry.

I think not a lot of people know how difficult it is to be a freelancer.

Or rather people in my circle, since most people are working a full time job.

If I were to explain how it is like to be in my shoes, I don't even know whether I can give a right description honestly.

Simply put, I think it has its ups and downs.

On some days, I feel so happy doing the thing I love doing and still being able to survive (keyword here) financially.

On some days, I feel like the world is going to crash when it's quiet as hell. It can be so quiet that I wake up everyday thinking to myself whether this passion is all so worth the fight.

It's a constant struggle.

But nevertheless, I'd like to announce that I think I am doing alright.

Financially, I think for 2019, my average income was 1k / month.

But as of 2020 (excluding Circuit Breaker), my average income is ~ 2.5k / month.

And I wish it will only get better from here.

That's a problem right there.

"Wish".

I guess I am saying that I have no ability to change it. 

Damn.

Let's change that word to, I will work to make things better. (Who am I lying?)

I felt like I have so many things to write about 2020.

It's raining now, the room is dark and the doors are closed.

It's supposed to make me feel like writing.

But why aren't the words flowing out.

It's annoying.

Maybe this isn't the best time since I just woke up and I don't feel anything.

But it is really annoying.

To not be able to do that.

Exactly like my brain right now.

I guess I'm stopping here.

Happy New Year to all you lovely humans!