YOASOBI

I'm sorry to you.

For not taking care of you.

For sweeping problems under and

Pretending that everything is fine.

I didn't give you the space to breathe.

I locked you in the room for hours.

I gave you the same old toxic habits every day.

I didn't think of you.

You were screaming to me.

You said you were trapped.

I drowned your screams even more.

It was honestly pleasuring to not hear you again.

But not for long.

I kinda missed you.

Where are you?

Will you do that scream again?

We should reconnect soon.

Untimely updates

Drowning at work right now.

Shouldn't even have the time to be blogging right now but I am so fking stressed..

I just hope I get through this alive.

I swear I am disappearing in terms of my weight.

And I swear my sleep debt is pretty insane.

I am tired and worn out.

I just want to sleep and not care about work for awhile.

But I can't.

I can only keep on pressing.

I know I'm whining like a lil bitch but I don't give a fuck.

This is my space and I deserve all the rants I want.

This is seriously so tiring.

I didn't expect it to be so tough.

It's taking away my joy from what I love to do.

And I fucking hate that it is happening.

Going force a leave for myself once things are cleared.

I need my fucking time.

Z

Busy

 Lately, I've been busy with work.

It's probably one of the first few times I feel that what I'm doing is legit and that I'm able to grow this dream of mine.

How do I put it, I am really busy, but I can't seem to handle it.

It kinda feels like uni days when I have so much things to do and I'm starting to stress up.

And when I do stress up, things get done even slower.

Then it causes the start of the piling up.

I have currently about 9 edits to complete.

After tomorrow's shoot, 12 edits. 

Let's hope to clear all these 12 by 13 Feb, that is 8 days. 

Which means I need to finish 1 or 2 edits a day.

Sounds easy, but every edit there's a draft 2 and draft 3.

I'm not really complaining, but I am just very stressful..

This is definitely nothing compared to the depression when there's literally no jobs at all.

At least I wake up with distractions.

Distractions stacked over distractions.

At least my mind doesn't wander off and think of all the painful things that's happening with me now.

Or is that really a good thing?

Is escaping really what I need now?

I don't know.

I am escaping these questions as well.

Just like a robot.

2020

In a blink of an eye, yet another year has passed.

It's been quite a long time since I wrote but it's new year so I guess it's mandatory.

Well, what a weird year it has been.

I guess the most significant part of 2020 was really the outbreak of COVID-19 and the impact it has on everyone's life.

It's been 1 1/2 years since I graduated and I guess it's been 1 1/2 years of hustling with this industry.

I think not a lot of people know how difficult it is to be a freelancer.

Or rather people in my circle, since most people are working a full time job.

If I were to explain how it is like to be in my shoes, I don't even know whether I can give a right description honestly.

Simply put, I think it has its ups and downs.

On some days, I feel so happy doing the thing I love doing and still being able to survive (keyword here) financially.

On some days, I feel like the world is going to crash when it's quiet as hell. It can be so quiet that I wake up everyday thinking to myself whether this passion is all so worth the fight.

It's a constant struggle.

But nevertheless, I'd like to announce that I think I am doing alright.

Financially, I think for 2019, my average income was 1k / month.

But as of 2020 (excluding Circuit Breaker), my average income is ~ 2.5k / month.

And I wish it will only get better from here.

That's a problem right there.

"Wish".

I guess I am saying that I have no ability to change it. 

Damn.

Let's change that word to, I will work to make things better. (Who am I lying?)

I felt like I have so many things to write about 2020.

It's raining now, the room is dark and the doors are closed.

It's supposed to make me feel like writing.

But why aren't the words flowing out.

It's annoying.

Maybe this isn't the best time since I just woke up and I don't feel anything.

But it is really annoying.

To not be able to do that.

Exactly like my brain right now.

I guess I'm stopping here.

Happy New Year to all you lovely humans!

.

 

Troubles, problems

Well, where do I start.

It's been a really hazy month.

Everything seems to be falling apart.

I know I'm feeling down now because my mum isn't exactly happy about me investing and me not giving money to the family.

But this seems to point to a larger problem.

Actually everything seems to point to a larger problem.

And that is, I have no idea what the fuck I want.

Okay shut up, I know what I want.

I want to be financially free by doing the things I enjoy doing.

It's so fucking simple.

One line.

But the world keeps showing me that it's impossible.

I'm tired of my thoughts.

Day and night.

I really am.

I'm not hiding my emotions.

I just can't portray them properly these days.

Courage

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom always to tell the difference."