Courage

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom always to tell the difference."

Wew

It's been so long since I wrote anything wew.

Even the layout of blogger has changed.

I guess I'm writing today because I wrote it on my to-do list today.

Why do I even have a to-do list?

Well it's a long story.


So one day I was feeling emo, so I went to nex alone to walk.

After walking for a bit, realised that life has been so busy.

Well, at least before Circuit Breaker.

On that day, felt like I haven't spend time to myself for a long time.

Which made me realised that I haven't read anything for a long time.

I mean I kind of read The Five Love Language but I didn't finish it hahaha.

So yeah, I decided to browse for interesting books.

Went to Popular and was looking at books, initially at the fiction section.

But I felt like what I needed now in my life at this point in time isn't fiction.

I felt like I wanted to improve myself as a person or in other words,

I'm just freaking panicking over adulting.

One of the rare times I spent such a long time at the non-fiction section.

Saw this book called "Atomic Habits" and immediately thought of Chin Yue and Wilfred.

I think they were recommending this book to each other a while ago.

So I picked it up and read the reviews at the back.

'A supremely practical and useful book'

Mark Manson, author of

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

I think I've heard good review about that book.

And that was what compelled me to pick that book up and head to the cashier.

"Let's change my life," I thought to myself.

Smiling and putting that book into my bag.

I remembered being so proud of myself buying that book.

Because the act of even buying it means I'm taking a step in my life, even if it's small.

I had the book for a month or so now.

I won't say I'm the most discipline of reader but I am currently halfway through.

Well, the funny thing is the book taught me to pick up that book and read.

So what are the changes in my life so far?

I must say, that the changes are not significant to many.

But I feel that some are significant.

For example, in the morning when my alarm rings,

I will jump straight up and sit on my bed.

After that I will go and drink water (yes without brushing my teeth)

And then wash my face and brush my teeth.

I don't know but these little achievements means a lot for me,

because I've always associate myself to having morning depression.

But these changes had made my first hour waking up a little better.

Because I had a series of routine to do, I realised I actually stopped ruminating.

I'm currently trying to write a to-do list everyday after I wash my face.

So far, I've succeeded for a week now.

I'd like to keep my to-do list simple though.

But yeah, this is what I've been going through recently in my life.

Career wise, I think business has been getting back.

I'd say it's probably 80-90% back as pre Circuit Breaker.

If I took Circuit Breaker away, I'm currently on an average of 2.4k a month?

But I guess I can't just 'take' Circuit Breaker away hahaha.

I think to many of my friends, it seems to them that I am doing okay.

But I constantly fear that I am not earning enough for my future.

But I must say I really do enjoy what I'm doing right now.

I don't see myself doing other jobs in the next 3 years I think?

(29 years old Wee Pin read this, how are you feeling?)

That's quite an intriguing thought but I think despite where we are in our lives,

We need to constantly stop and look at everything around us,

Whatever that we are chasing.

I think we can never reach our goals if we keep expecting more.

I'm not saying that it is a bad thing to expect more but maybe,

Just stop.

And look at where you are now.

I think I should really start to learn to be grateful for all the things around me.

Well, my thought processes just got messed up hahaha.

But wow, it's been a long long time since I wrote.

I haven't thought about myself for a long long time.

I just realised I wrote 'long long' for both sentences.

It must be really long.

I know every time when I write about a book that I am reading,

I get so hopeful and philosophical-ish.

Hahaha, hope this post isn't disgusting.

Argh, hate the fact that my mind isn't flowing right now.

But it's okay, I think the first 80% of the post made me feel good enough.

Oh and I wanted to also talk about how I started investing in stocks.

(Wee Pin 3 years later, please tell me I did not go bankrupt)

I started putting my savings into investments.

I think it helped me to feel (I wouldn't say safe) like I'm taking a small step forward in life.

Any small step feels like a big achievement to me because I am someone with high inertia.

That's why I feel like habits might move me instead of emotions.

Or like what the book mentioned, habits work better than motivation.

As much as I am still confused about the adulting life,

I think investment made me see the world a little differently.

Big words but when I look at stock prices go up and down every seconds,

I think about what the other party across the globe is thinking when he made a decision.

And like because there is so much research that needs to be done before buying my stocks,

I kind of see how money makes the world go round.

And it just opened my eyes to things that I had never thought I would see.

I always thought of investing as something only the richest do.

And of course I have always despised the rich because I'd always believe that the richer you get,

The crazier you become or the less emotions you feel about life.

However, I feel like this thought has been shifting lately.

And I'm starting to feel that to a certain extent,

Money still brings happiness.

It's sad to think of it this way.

But I guess if were to put it in primitive sense,

I'm sure a hunter feel stress when he couldn't find food or provide for his family.

So how much is enough?

I don't know.

And right here I would like to quote what yy told me the other day,

"We are all still figuring out."

Abrupt end but yup, thanks for reading! :)

Quantifying

How do I quantify whether things are getting worse for me?
I look at the hours it takes for me to feel okay from when I wake up.
In the past when there's school, going to school and seeing people will stop the mind from going crazy.
But right now, I spend most of my time at home.
And honestly, I would say that times are getting tougher.
The dark feeling drags on for too long, usually it ends in an hour or two.
But now it drags on to the evening.
It's really scary.

I don't know, maybe I need professional help to keep me sane.
Or maybe I just need a better plan in my future than wasting my time playing ML and not being productive everyday.
There is seriously something wrong with me.
I hate to compare myself with who I was before I graduated.
I was so determined to prove the whole world wrong.
But looking at my finances every time, I am just stuck.

It gets fuzzy all the time.
Easily triggered by my parents when they tell me to change job.
But who sees the effort I am making to make a living.
So much for 'doing something I like'.
I'm starting to get really tired of doing these things.
I feel like I'm in some sort of a mess.
Like I can't get my shit together.
Everytime I tell myself I have to be better, then somehow I just end up back to square one.

I don't know what I need.
More jobs?
Or something that will spark me to persevere?
Climb more (so that I can be sane?)

Quarter life crisis is pretty real.
I'm stuck on my keyboard yet again.
And this feeling sucks because I know I have a lot of things in my head that I need to dig out.

Let's device a plan for my mental health first before my career.

Don't know how to feel

I remember there was a time I was a mad fan of Goo Hara.
That was like in 2013, where I'd watch her reality series, listen to Kara, watch Kara etc.
I mean those were in the past.
So Hara's suicide made me not know how to feel.
Because it was like a "young me fanboy-ing" kind of thing back then.
I mean I grew out of it.
But I'm just thinking if it happened in 2013, I would definitely be very sad.
Like it hit me because like hey, everyone is growing up.
And you never know and you will never know really, when depression creeps in on someone.
And it's so silent that's why it's scary.
I'm just in a shock.
Rest in peace.

Freelancing is tough

You know, I woke up this morning feeling like shit.
But then again, which mornings I haven't wake up feeling like this.
I read back on my previous post to find myself feeling almost exactly like how I was feeling.
But today, there was some form of self-reflection going on.

So the thing is, I have a choice in my actions that cause me to feel like this.
So one of them was about my sleeping cycle.
I sleep at 4-5 am lately and wake up 12-2pm.
And I remembered waking up at 5.30am the other time for a wedding shoot and not feeling any signs of a depressed soul.
But I could be wrong, maybe it's because there was work to do and I didn't have time to dwell into the cracks of my brain.
And then I look back to my army days... Well, that's self explanatory.
But I remembered feeling tired but not this kind of TIRED.
So I'm just thinking whether waking up early will make me feel better.

I googled about waking up late and depression the first thing when I woke up just now.
I didn't finish the article but I felt like I could relate to most of the things written.
It's been awhile since I read such things (for myself).
And to my surprise, it just dawned on me that I am, waking up feeling tired, isolating from social life (not really isolating but a lot less), did not enjoy work, lost interest in climbing.
I mean these are just signs of depression.
And I felt like I could very well be slipping back.
It's scary of course lol.

I don't know, at this point of time, with a positive side and negative side of me fighting constantly now, the only thoughts I hear are, I HAVE A CHOICE.
And to me it just means that, I have a choice to sleep earlier, and wake up earlier.
Don't have to rush to work immediately in the morning but maybe I'll feel better?
I want to try it but at the same time, it's like leaving this dark familiarity that offers some sort of comfort in me.

And yes back to the title, freelancing is tough.
I think the only thing I think about now is work, my edits, my finances, my future.
But I let them drown me to a point where I don't see the present.
On the bright side (lol), I'm left with one last edit to finish.
I'm like excited to shoot my own 1 min short film which I told Claire and Jun Wen about.
And both of them just tell me "JUST DO IT LA".
Like, it's really affirming.
And it gives me so much energy even if it's just a one-liner.
I'm letting too much self-doubt pull me down.

(Okay, wait a moment, I'm letting too much positivity get to me now)

You know those moments when you suddenly feel like wew, you can achieve everything as long as you set your mind to it.
Yeah, I wrote until I had that moment lol.
But okay, I'm gonna eat lunch, I'm a hungry man.

My takeaway from this post:
YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
Let you guys know if I actually try sleeping earlier and waking up earlier.

Thanks for being in my life guyz.

Unsaid

I woke up bawling.
It's been so long since I've ever cried like this.
I think the last time I did was in Hope church.
I sprained my ankle yesterday from vertigo, so somehow my dream world registered that I had a sprained ankle too.
So I was in the hospital with my mum and another friend.
I was lying on the hospital bed, telling my friend that actually the sprained ankle is okay and that the other time when I broke my leg was worse.
Then this one liner thought from my dream made me cry like a baby till I woke up.
I was telling my friend 'my mum had always been there for me'
It hit me so hard to the point where I was thrown back to the last night in Hampi when I was drunk and cried about how unfilial of a son I am.
Honestly, I was crying a little louder in the hope that my mum or dad was in the kitchen and that they would come in and asked me what happened.
That would be the most emotional and appropriate time in my life to tell them exactly how much they meant to me.
Because of adulting, this crying session woke me up and reminded myself that life is not all about the money, but the people around you.
And when I understood the situation that I was crying alone in my room, the metaphor of me being so lonely these while kicked in really hard.
I've been holding on and sucking in everything that life gave me.
I never felt like I had an outlet until just a few moments ago.
The title of this post is 'unsaid'.
The third thing I think about is how I felt like this whole morning incident could be written into a story.
About unsaid words and regrets.
Guess I'm going back to sleep.
Unsaid. Maybe a new story to write about.

Trying

Trying to prove my worth yet again.
It's a reminder for me to work even harder.

Honestly, it's taking quite a while for me to get used to this lifestyle.
And I realised that whenever I am not out doing something, I feel like I'm wasting my time and I'm not productive.
And I think that's one of the part that I'm still getting used to.
I need to get used to resting.
I think I've been working non-stop for the past months.
And I think I'm doing pretty okay.
The learning pace is alright, no one gives me much stress.

Had a talk with Bryan at the wrap party 2 days ago.
It was a nice conversation even though it was short.
We were talking about how we're so passionate.
Like how we're "all in" and that there's "no turning back"
Watching youtube, instagram and just immersing ourselves in film every single day.
"Aiming to be DP by 30 years old" was like a common thing for both of us.

I don't know what I wanted to write about honestly.
I opened this up and just felt like a blank.
It's like the TV static in my head.
Everything's just buzzing.
I feel like I haven't take care of myself properly.
And that I haven't been listening to myself, talking to myself.
I haven't been really reflecting because things just keep piling up and I don't have time to think about the things going around me.
I've been stress but I haven't really talk to people about it.
I've been really tired and unmotivated at times, but people only see that I'm doing 'pretty well'.
I wish for someone to ask me whether things are okay.
But yet I know everyone's just busy with their own things.
I need to rest, but the thought of not proving my worth to my family when I rest makes me want to get out and do something.
But it's a TIRED MOTIVATION.
It's a wrong motivation I know.
And then the last part of all these thoughts would be, I am so far from where I want to be.
My shots, my edits are all nothing compared to those out there.
And then it starts crashing down on me, whether this will really work out.
But all I hear, is a BUZZ.
Nothing but a buzz.

Unheard.