Morning struggles

It's been awhile but recently, I wake up in the morning feeling like shit again.
Anxious, annoyed, tired, lack of motivation.
I don't know why, maybe it's cause of the amount of work I have to do.
But ain't I supposed to like what I'm doing?
Why am I dreading waking up some times?
I think it's time to slow down whatever I'm doing and reflect about the past 3 months.

I mean life has been rather fine for me...
The amount of work coming in has been really quite okay.
Let's just break down the amount of money I will have earned by end of October.

BA - 500
Wedding - 1100
DWEN assist - 150
NEA edit - 250
SMU edit - 300 (?)
CPF edit - 500 (?)
MPFC cam B - 450
Ninja.sg - 500 (?)
Educare - 1600 (?)
MPFC 2 cam B - 450 (?)
Wedding 2 - 1200
Grip TVC - 100
Grip 20th sept - 150

7000 + - It's actually not that bad for a start I guess?

I think the annoying part is always the client.
I think that's the most triggering thing for me.
And I really really need to learn to work with client.
I may have the camera skills but I don't think my PR skills are good.

So also, to update those loyal readers who still read this.
I got my intern at NOC.
And I'm supposedly starting my intern on the 1 Nov.
But I have been flamed by all the people I've worked with.
Saying that I shouldn't go NOC because their production and cinematography is not as good.
I mean they are famous because of their content.
And I think that the connection over there is pretty good?
I really don't know.
I can't decide.

And fuck.
I woke up feeling like I have so much to rant about my life but right now I'm just keeping my hands at my keyboard, and thinking fuzzy things.
Not able to write down what is all in my head.
I just know I'm a little tired and a little lost.
And pretty unmotivated to improve myself.
Where's the guy who wanted to prove the world wrong?
Where's the guy who learn AE on his own free time.
Where's the guy who tries to analyse movies and edits?
Maybe all these are just my morning head.
But maybe all these are actually part of a deeper problem.
I need to fix this.
Somehow.

Link

I think there's such a strong link between the current self and the past self.
Being able to feel a certain feeling that you used to feel, it's like an experience altogether.
It brings back the whole feeling.
I don't know what I'm trying to say...
But last night I felt like I was brought back.
The feeling was so strong.
The pain I'd felt for so many people.
Hope you're all doing well wherever you are..

Nicole asked me the other day. What did I do to get out of depression?
The first thought that came to my mind was...
Did I really have depression? Or was I just really really sad?
To be honest, I can't tell.
But I know that my mornings are so much better now.
Just a year back, I remember everytime I open up my eyes in the morning and realise that my existence is filled with so much bizarre pain that I can't explain, I just want it to stop so bad.
I cry in the bathroom for no fucking reasons.
It was tiring, it was dark, it was a place where I wouldn't want anyone to be in.
The harder I shut my eyes, the louder the voices.

But I kinda made it I guess?
Things are brightening up, thoughts are definitely more rational now.
No more emotional weepin.
But I feel that it is like a dormant volcano.
I think only the deepest crack in the earth will send me into a crazy eruption.
But for now I'm good.
I'm afloat.
I'm breathing.
I'm living.

For now.

Her

This movie just fucked up with my brain so badly. It's about a guy who fell in love with an AI. And the ethical question kicks in. What is love? What do you mean by real emotions? It's so beautifully written, it questions our very own existence, our own consciousness. It just inspires me to want to learn to write a good story. It was raw human emotions. Our desires. I can't even describe how I'm feeling now it's really damn fucked up. It just made me into this mess right now and that I just want to type whatever that's going on in my mind. But of course it comes with the fact that I don't know whether it's wise for me to spill my thoughts out there for the world to see.

The movie made me think of you. How I've hurt you. How I've left you sitting at the playground alone and how I just disappeared from your life once and for all. I'm sorry. That's the only thing I could say. I remember you being angry at me for not being able to say what's on my mind. And that I could only write it down. You made me feel like I have a problem. And maybe indeed I have. And that was the cause of my actions. And how the thought of you irked me. But I just wanna say that I am sorry, if you ever read this. We are really too different. Please don't say that I didn't try. It hurts me when people can't see the effort that I put in to keep my life in check. I just hope that you're doing better, and that someone who cares sweeps you up. And let all these be just a memory. It wasn't that bad of a memory afterall I guess. Growing apart...

There's so much changes in my life right now that I realised that I'm still learning. On days like this, I want to open up my entire history of my life and share it with you once more. Maybe it's just a selfish thought of mine... But I feel like maybe you need to understand what's in my mind the whole time. And maybe you'll understand how I can't find the words to say to you when you're hurt deep down inside. I'm so sorry bb that I don't know how to make you feel better. All I can do is just calm myself and remind myself that I need to take care of myself first. It's a shield. I hope you see the importance of this shield to me. I'm afraid that I might just plunge back into the darkness without this shield. And know that I'm doing this for you. I want to protect you. I hope you see things from my view.

Dad. I am so sorry that we've ended up like how we are now. It hurts me so much to think that whatever I'm doing now is never going to make you proud. I know that you just want me to figure out what I want to do. Or rather, you want me to be able to have a sustainable life. I see it. I see where you're coming from. It scares me too honestly, when I think of what the future may hold. But I want you to know that I'm trying really hard too. I want to be able to live a life where I can say that money is not the most important thing in life. And that it's all the interactions, the relationships, and the love for each other that makes life life. It sucks that we're having this cold war now. It's been almost 2 months. I hope we can talk soon, without anyone flaring up at each other.

That was it. I'm glad to have this space for me to write without judgement. Where no one can tell me what's right or wrong. The movie brought me back to my old self. I could feel it. It was nice while it lasted...

Hahaha

Damn it.
There's actually an actual film so similar to what I wrote for my TS mod.
Hahaha I love it. :')

You've got mail. (1998)

Book superstore magnate, Joe Fox and independent book shop owner, Kathleen Kelly fall in love in the anonymity of the Internet – both blissfully unaware that he’s putting her out of business.

Jazz.Livin 

Quiet Darren is a victim of the notorious chief bully, Kester. Darren goes online to an anti-bullying forum to seek help and made an anonymous friend who faces similar bullying issues; Darren finds out the only friend he made is Kester, the chief bully.

The parting words that Ken gave the class was to never stop writing. Watching films night after night made me want to write something again. And maybe, just maybe in the future I'm able to produce something that I want to tell the world. I guess that's a dream. And I don't think it's unattainable. 

Meanwhile, getting hired by this client isn't really the worst thing I guess. I mean it was really hard to get by the fact that I suddenly have so many things on my plate. Like it was a 0 to 100 moment from summer holidays. Like I didn't have time to let things sink in that I am going to start work. It was like a BAM, take this, you're going to start work now. But then again, I'm still excited nevertheless. This is probably my second legit income that I'm getting from making videos.

I don't know what to call myself yet. But as of now, I guess I'm a freelance content creator. And I guess an aspiring film maker too. 

Good night.

It's been a long while

It's yet another white space.
But all I wanted to say...
It could be because it's 4am right now.
And it could be really well because I just watched Silver Linings Playbook.
But I've realised that my life has changed quite a bit.
Ever since I met this girl.
And I want to thank her so much for the past few months.
The days aren't as dark as the past anymore.
The head isn't as noisy as before.
Things are looking good.
Life is starting to roll.
And I am excited for this journey.
I'm tearing as I write all of this.
Thank you for being in my life b.

Fuck seriously

I just came back from Surabaya and really enjoyed myself.
And once I came home you just have to ask me what I want to do now.
Seriously fucking tilty.
I fucking knew it.
When I took out my gimbal to try and fix it.
I fucking knew that you were going to say something about me.
I hate it.
I hate that there's no fucking support at home.
I feel so left out at home everyday.
Then now you're fking comparing me with kiat and loon seriously.
I'm sorry that it seemed that you wasted your money on me to go to uni.
If I knew what I wanted to do, I wouldn't even have ask you to send me to uni.
Stop putting your expectations of who I am supposed to be on me.
It fucking sucks.
I'm your son.
Why can't I just chase my dream.
Or at least even try.
Do I seem like such a fucking useless son who doesn't know anything about life?
Yes maybe I don't.
But I know for sure I don't want money to dictate my life.
There's definitely more than that.
I'm just fucking tilted right now.
I can't do this.
Seriously.

Money makes the world go round

My heart aches because in a way money kind of does that.
University has finally ended and the reality of life is kicking in.
So much is going through my mind everyday but I shunt it off by playing ML.
Which in a way intoxicates my mind even more.
It scares me so much that I have to start planning for my life.
And before I begin blogging properly, I just want to rant about what happened tonight.
Fuck you NEA seriously.
I've been trying to calculate my expenses and all you have to do is come in and catch me.
Seriously it's fucking annoying that I have no way to defend myself.
Why are these people even paid to make people's life miserable?
Like seriously.
It just made me think that everyone is human.
I mean yes, law makes the society works.
But come on, it's just a fucking cigarette butt.
Why can't the job of NEA be asking the person to throw it into the dustbin?
I know I'm just salty.
I'm trying to dig out any hidden flaws in the way these things are run.
And I get annoyed because there is no way out and I only have myself to blame.
But fuck man.
$300 is not a fucking joke.
Sigh.
It hurts so much because I just felt like I was being so retarded.
And I just felt like the whole fucking shit was damn retarded.

Anyway, back to topic.
These days are really scaring me.
Everything that I've hold on dearly to are starting to fall apart.
Especially climbing.
I have no idea why but it has come to a point where I question the reason why I climb.
It hurts so much because I've always loved climbing.
The pure nature of the sport.
And I know I lost it through this four years of competitiveness.
I have realised that my drive to train hard was really all for the sake of doing well in competitions.
Now that I have lost that competitiveness, what does climbing really mean to me?
What is it about climbing that makes me so crazy last time?
What was it about climbing that made me fall in love with the sports?
I couldn't figure out the answer the past few days.
In addition, the injuries on my body are starting to feel very permanent.
My shoulder, my knee and my pulley.
They are just detering me from trying climbing again.
And they actually make me hate climbing even more.
When I get so tilted from doing routes.
I think I need a good break from climbing.
It has come to this point.
I don't find joy in climbing anymore.
It hurts me in ways that reminds me of how shitty of a person I am.
And how fucking confusing life is right now.
Maybe it's just a phase I don't know.
But I'm getting pretty damn worried about what's to come.
My brothers are telling me to get a full time job.
My parents despise me for doing this.
No one in my family supports me of doing this.
Just like no one ever did support my climbing journey.

Have I been dark?
No I have not really.
But does it mean that these tangible issues aren't enough to screw up my brain?
No.
But of course it's definitely more describable than anything dark.
Yet again, I find my life being described too accurately by climbing.
I'm lost.
I can't pull myself together.
But let myself rot with ML.
What kind of life is that?
Who would even want such a person like this?
It's disgusting to see my weight dropping not because I've been on a diet but because I haven't been climbing hard for the past 1 month +
Something is hurting me real bad.
And I can't seem to describe it really.
I guess maybe it's myself.
I am hurting myself in a very unhealthy way.
It's so tough to pick myself up again.
What's all the things that I've said that I've learnt from uni.
Where have all the motivation and inspiration gone to...

I'm done here.