It's been a long while

It's yet another white space.
But all I wanted to say...
It could be because it's 4am right now.
And it could be really well because I just watched Silver Linings Playbook.
But I've realised that my life has changed quite a bit.
Ever since I met this girl.
And I want to thank her so much for the past few months.
The days aren't as dark as the past anymore.
The head isn't as noisy as before.
Things are looking good.
Life is starting to roll.
And I am excited for this journey.
I'm tearing as I write all of this.
Thank you for being in my life b.

Fuck seriously

I just came back from Surabaya and really enjoyed myself.
And once I came home you just have to ask me what I want to do now.
Seriously fucking tilty.
I fucking knew it.
When I took out my gimbal to try and fix it.
I fucking knew that you were going to say something about me.
I hate it.
I hate that there's no fucking support at home.
I feel so left out at home everyday.
Then now you're fking comparing me with kiat and loon seriously.
I'm sorry that it seemed that you wasted your money on me to go to uni.
If I knew what I wanted to do, I wouldn't even have ask you to send me to uni.
Stop putting your expectations of who I am supposed to be on me.
It fucking sucks.
I'm your son.
Why can't I just chase my dream.
Or at least even try.
Do I seem like such a fucking useless son who doesn't know anything about life?
Yes maybe I don't.
But I know for sure I don't want money to dictate my life.
There's definitely more than that.
I'm just fucking tilted right now.
I can't do this.
Seriously.

Money makes the world go round

My heart aches because in a way money kind of does that.
University has finally ended and the reality of life is kicking in.
So much is going through my mind everyday but I shunt it off by playing ML.
Which in a way intoxicates my mind even more.
It scares me so much that I have to start planning for my life.
And before I begin blogging properly, I just want to rant about what happened tonight.
Fuck you NEA seriously.
I've been trying to calculate my expenses and all you have to do is come in and catch me.
Seriously it's fucking annoying that I have no way to defend myself.
Why are these people even paid to make people's life miserable?
Like seriously.
It just made me think that everyone is human.
I mean yes, law makes the society works.
But come on, it's just a fucking cigarette butt.
Why can't the job of NEA be asking the person to throw it into the dustbin?
I know I'm just salty.
I'm trying to dig out any hidden flaws in the way these things are run.
And I get annoyed because there is no way out and I only have myself to blame.
But fuck man.
$300 is not a fucking joke.
Sigh.
It hurts so much because I just felt like I was being so retarded.
And I just felt like the whole fucking shit was damn retarded.

Anyway, back to topic.
These days are really scaring me.
Everything that I've hold on dearly to are starting to fall apart.
Especially climbing.
I have no idea why but it has come to a point where I question the reason why I climb.
It hurts so much because I've always loved climbing.
The pure nature of the sport.
And I know I lost it through this four years of competitiveness.
I have realised that my drive to train hard was really all for the sake of doing well in competitions.
Now that I have lost that competitiveness, what does climbing really mean to me?
What is it about climbing that makes me so crazy last time?
What was it about climbing that made me fall in love with the sports?
I couldn't figure out the answer the past few days.
In addition, the injuries on my body are starting to feel very permanent.
My shoulder, my knee and my pulley.
They are just detering me from trying climbing again.
And they actually make me hate climbing even more.
When I get so tilted from doing routes.
I think I need a good break from climbing.
It has come to this point.
I don't find joy in climbing anymore.
It hurts me in ways that reminds me of how shitty of a person I am.
And how fucking confusing life is right now.
Maybe it's just a phase I don't know.
But I'm getting pretty damn worried about what's to come.
My brothers are telling me to get a full time job.
My parents despise me for doing this.
No one in my family supports me of doing this.
Just like no one ever did support my climbing journey.

Have I been dark?
No I have not really.
But does it mean that these tangible issues aren't enough to screw up my brain?
No.
But of course it's definitely more describable than anything dark.
Yet again, I find my life being described too accurately by climbing.
I'm lost.
I can't pull myself together.
But let myself rot with ML.
What kind of life is that?
Who would even want such a person like this?
It's disgusting to see my weight dropping not because I've been on a diet but because I haven't been climbing hard for the past 1 month +
Something is hurting me real bad.
And I can't seem to describe it really.
I guess maybe it's myself.
I am hurting myself in a very unhealthy way.
It's so tough to pick myself up again.
What's all the things that I've said that I've learnt from uni.
Where have all the motivation and inspiration gone to...

I'm done here.

3 days

I think it has come to the point where I need to write my thoughts down.
When I woke up I felt so many things, it was too overwhelming.
I guess I need an outlet to pour out whatever that I'm thinking of right now.
It's 3 days left to the end of uni life.
The past few days have been really a blur.
Spending more time playing ML rather than studying.
I don't know how to feel about this.
But I know I am so excited of what to come.
There's so many things I want to do after uni ends (life starts).
I feel like I've been trapped in this education system for too long.
I've been someone who has been dissing Singapore's education system ever since secondary school.
Like what was the whole point of going through this.
What application does this formula that I've learnt have in the real world?
None.
But having finishing uni soon, or rather finishing the whole package of the education standards in Singapore, I must say that it isn't really the content that mattered to me (at least to me cause I'm not doing anything related to my degree).
But instead, it was the whole community of young and aspiring people.
It was the friends I made, the seniors I looked up to, the people and the interactions that made education.
I learnt life skills.
Leadership, handling of stress, empathising with people, working with a group of people, personal relations, the joy of seeing something work after putting in hard work and especially doing something you don't like to do, basically going out of comfort zone.

3 more days.
2 more paper.
9 am on 29 April and 1pm on 30 April.
I'll be officially free from this.

Honestly, my train of thought is broken already haha.
But before I leave, I just wanted to remind myself about the darkness.
Because when I woke up today, the presence of it surrounds me.
I know for sure that it had never leave me.
But just that I've been keeping it under control.
Or rather life has been really kind to me to be able to keep it under control.
"You better cherish her", said shermz.
I better do.
And I hope that this darkness doesn't lead me to irrational speech.
It's scary how sometimes I say the things I say and then looking back and question myself "Did I really say all that? Did I really mean that?"

Then again, the frequency of me blogging kinda also means that I've been well.
I know that I have not been feeling so stuck in the abyss anymore.
But it's just a tingling feeling everyday I guess.
And it doesn't break the wall that I've built up.
Things are good I guess.
And I hope it'll get better.

Or rather, let's make it better.
Since I feel like I have the authority over my life decisions now.

One step at a time.
3 more days.
I am scared.
But I am so looking forward to it.

Ahh

Nice white space.
.
The stress from school has been getting to me. And I'm so glad for this platform once again to write down everything. Been really panicky for submissions and datelines. I can't wait for school to end man.
Maybe listing down the amount of things to do helps.

1. Fyp VIVA - I have to meet two of my assessors for VIVA. One of them has confirmed to be tomorrow at 5pm. The other one has yet to reply and the dateline is tomorrow hahahaha. This is kinda stressful because it takes up a high percentage of my FYP.

2. Fyp presentation - 25 mins presentation on Wednesday. My slides are only like 1/3 done. And I haven't written anything for my script. Need to submit slides by tomorrow too. This takes a high percentage too.

3. PC4228 interview - lol this is just one annoying thing that my prof and I can't find a date and time to meet up. Basically talking about a report that I submitted. Kinda like another viva.

4. Short doc submission - Submission is on Friday 12pm. I forsee locking myself in the editing suite the whole of Wed and Thursday to rush this. The entire angle of the documentary has not been confirmed. The content is all over the place now. Colour correction, colour grading, audio, VO have not been done yet. Right and subtitles and captions. And I can't start until I finish my FYP stuffs on Wednesday. That leaves me less than 30 hours on rushing the rest of the edits. Definitely tough.

And I think the toughest part of this last 5 days in school is the combination of all of this together. It always sends me into a hyper panic mode in the morning. When I open my eyes, the only thing I think of is the amount of work I need to do. And then there's ML. Serving as an anti stress. But it kind of counteracts when ML makes me feel even more panicky and makes me criticise on my coping mechanism.

It is the last 5 days in school definitely, but it's really gonna be super tough. Writing these down makes me panic too. But nevertheless, school is about to end. Finally. I felt like I've been wasting alot of my time in uni. But I'm thankful for all the friends that I've made. And also settled my other FYP. :')

I guess things have been going really well and smooth for me in life. And my mental isn't as bad as it used to be? Because the frequency of me posting on my blog has significantly decreased. Not saying that the black dog is entirely gone, but thankful that I've been able to keep it at bay to accomplish task I need to. I'm also really thankful to my bao. She has added colours into my dull dark life.

5 more days. Can't wait. And also very excited for the next phase of life to begin. As much as it scares me too. But I think I rather have the capability to choose when I want to work, when I want to rest and when I want to play. I think it is super important for me because I don't think I can ever do well in life with a fixed schedule. I also feel like time pass faster when there's a fixed schedule. It's about time I slow down my pace of life and train of thought. To live a life I said I wanted to. 10 years ago. And it really is beginning soon.

Tough

It's a really tough period of time for me.
The hardest part of it is putting these feelings into words.
Pockets of insanity through the day.
I can't even control my emotions in front of people.
Not functional.

I'm going to climb everyday from today on.

It's a goal that I've set for myself.

Conversations with people make me feel less understood.
I've been brushing it off too many times.
However, it's not that I can explain myself there and then on the spot.

Morning heads are screams.
I know it's getting worse.
Because the frequency of these thoughts popping are increasing.
It's like this negative ball of energy in me; it absorbs every rational thoughts of mine.
I just can't get out these days.
It feels so TRAPPED.
A cage that my mind has built.
The steels are getting stronger.
And I've lost that key to open it.
I know it's getting worse.
I need to find the key soon.
Before this trapped animal in me unleash its ugly side.
Hissing at whoever that tries to open the cage.

If only words could.
I think it's the darkness in the world I see that makes things so indescribable.
Sorry, I don't mean see.
Feel.
It's an oppressing omen.
Like watching a horror film.
Or rather, being in a horror film.
You're helpless.
And just awaiting that jump scare.
Your heart beats increase.
Beating to the unknowns of the future.

Irrationality is creeping in as I type this in the confined space of the toilet.
The morning sun just defines so much.
It's like I'm constantly in LIGHT.
But the mind is not taking in any bits of ray.

'I will not be shaken'
I hope?

Been wondering

What's the cause of all my anxiousness this whole of recess week.
I think I've mentioned about 'near future' and 'far future'.
Both seems really intimidating to me.
My heart pumps really quickly whenever I think of them.
And the mind goes into an unstoppable frenzy.

The only answer I have is that school is ending in 7 weeks time.
The far future doesn't really affect me as much as the near future as I have all the time in my life after graduating to slowly settle down and decide what I really want to do after graduating.
However, the near future is just full of assignments and tests.
I'm just really scared that the amount of effort I'm putting into this semester doesn't allow me to graduate with honors.
Let's list down what I have.

1. PC4245 - I have been skipping class since week 3. Have no idea what the fuck is going on and I have a test coming this Thursday.
2. PC4228 - Even though I have been going to class 90% of the time, the whole module is just very uncertain. Like I don't know whether I can understand the mod if I study it so my brain just puts that aside completely.

For this two physics mod, it's just the annoying uncertain kind of anxiousness. Like I don't know what to expect of it. And I don't know what to do about this uncertainty. That's why it's always there.

3. TS2241 - I really enjoy this mod a lot. But the amount of time spent on this is really like 70% of the time I spent on school. But it justifies because I think it would be something very relatable when I graduate. Screenplay to be submitted near the same time as FYP. This mod is more of my FYP than my actual FYP lol.

4. NM3230 - This mod is fun too. But the idea of shooting a short doc instead of a short film makes things less motivated for me. I'm glad my group members are nice though. And yup, the submission of the short doc is also around the same period of time as FYP.

I've learnt so much more applicable stuff in this two mods as compared to whatever I did since Year 1 as a physics major. Regrets choosing the wrong path but I'm not complaining because I do enjoy certain topics of physics.

5. FYP - This is affecting me so much. Like the amount of uncertainty compared to the dateline 5 April, nothing is happening. It's been like that since last year. I kinda hate my prof for being too lax on me. But then again, no one should spoonfeed me lol. Fucking unmotivated for something I'm not even interested in. I just want to pass all my physics thing. Like 1,2 and 5. They are the things that I am unconfident in and they worry me so fucking bad every single morning I wake up because it's so bad to a point where I think it is indeed possible to DA BAO them to Y5S1.

6. NSBC - Admist all the worries for all my school stuffs, I want to do well for NSBC too. Because it's the last time I am competing for NUS and I really want to try my very best. But just looking at the amount of work I have to do, I feel like I am in a struggle of wanting to give this up and then the priority question pops out in my mind.

This last 7 weeks is so fearful for me. I forsee myself breaking down and going crazy and stuff. One of the worst 7 weeks for me. I think it'd be as crazy as the BA PD period.

Right.. talking about BA, BA videos for 2019 hasn't started yet too.

Lastly, I'm glad to have grown closer to her. She calms me down and reminds me that human relationship is still the top priority in my life. Thanks b