Wah the fak

Why did I walk down this memory lane?
Went to look at photos of Qing Dao and Khon Kaen.
Feeling extremely a lot for the team now.
I feel like I'm not doing well enough to revert the team to whatever it was back then.
Everyone was so... pure and genuine.
The warmth I felt from the team when every single person came and visit me after I broke my leg.
All the texts that came in.
Even people who I don't talk to at that point in time like Kim, Mochi texted me to ask me to stay strong.
Fern came with Tiong.
Andy came with Khai and zw.
My batch mates..
Yy who always came and kept me accompany.
Gwen.
Dayna and George.
Ferran..
I don't feel any toxicity from the team in the past.
Even if there was, I'm sure the excos / seniors were doing a really good job.
It's just so different now.
I don't fucking know why I'm feeling so much now.
I'm literally in tears thinking about how different things are right now.
As if I can't ctrl+z this shit.
I can only hope that the juniors are feeling how we all felt when we were juniors.
And that the team will get better from here on.
I'll do my very best for this team.
I will.
It's my last team trip.
I hope all things go well.

People

Not the best morning head.

Or rather it's an afternoon head.

So much in my head.

My parents, my brothers, my friends, climbing, filming, basically just life.

I mean, it's always the same few things that keep popping up in my head ain't it.

I'm kinda tired.

On a brighter side, the shoulder isn't as bad as I thought it was.

Today will be the 7th consecutive day of climbing.

The body is getting used to it even though every morning ache really bad.

Hmmm.

I don't really know what's the few things that's bothering my mind.

Actually maybe I know.

I need a break man.

I want to take a step back from this life and just look at how I'm doing.

Right now just thinking about how I'm always writing thoughts down.

It's as if there isn't a break from my own head.

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Fuck this feeling it's damn annoying.

I don't even know what I'm writing about anymore.

Really just ranting shit here.

I guess it all started when I woke up and was looking at another video creator's insta.

And I must say I can feel the passion from the person.

Like straight up passionate about filming and stuffs.

And I realised there's so much more for me to learn.

Coloring, visual effects, designing.

And then I'm thinking to myself, so what is it about filming that will keep me passionate?

Will it be something that I just throw away after a few years?
And then I tried to think of ways to justify my future path.

About why I really want to get into this industry.

I had a line that popped up in my head.

I want people to view the world from my lens.

It's a pretty simple line but I think that's what all filmmakers have in mind.

But I have so much doubts about myself.

Like can I really make a breakthrough in this industry to earn enough?

I know I shouldn't be thinking about the money.

It should be the passion that's driving me.

But heck, my dad's turning 60 next year and honestly my parents are getting old.

They've given me so much but what have I give them in return except for worries and pain.

It's like I've been a kid in their eyes for 24 years.

And sometimes I really want to prove them wrong.

I feel like I know how the society works better than them now.

I mean after being through uni and taking up some events.

People are scary indeed.

But I know there are genuine people out there who are going to support me through this journey.

But will this support ever be enough?

My heart beats so fast whenever I think about letting go of my degree and going full on to something that is so unpredictable.

Marcus Yeo asked me the other day at singpost.

He was talking to Kim and Josh Ko.

Both of them have a stable job secured and then he asked me.

"So you're in your final year too? So I'm guessing you're spam sending resume to a lot of companies?"

And I was like "Erm. I'm going to be a photographer / videographer."

Honestly, even though he said that he was impressed by my bravery, I am myself so damn scared about how this is going to run.

I'm 24 now not too young but not too old too.

It's really really scary.

I've read online about the average salary of a cinematographer, all ranging from 2-4k a month.

Would this be sufficient for my life?

As of now I would say yes.

But thinking about starting a family in the future scares me so much.

Will my partner be able to understand this passion of mine?

Or understand that I'm not someone who chases money.

But who would want an unstable partner to live together for life.

I don't know man.

There's so much going through my head

I thought I had nothing to write but once the hands are on the keyboards, thoughts are just spilling out through my fingers.

It's scary.

It really is.

Half a year more to graduating.

Where do I even start?

I need a good plan.

A good plan that balances work and life.

Am I really passionate about film making / videography?

Just like what Marcus said, it really isn't a normal path that anyone will take.

Anyway, went to BM together with Rachel, Cherie and Daryl yesterday.

And I was talking to Daryl about how girl's maturity level is 2 years more than guys.

Hahahah.

And I was thinking about how Rachel's maturity level would be the same as mine.

Somehow I feel like when I talk to Rachel, I get the same vibe from her that she isn't really sure about what she's going to do too.

And they were talking about how Cherie has taken like a 1 1/2 years LOA?

It kinda intrigued me.

Because one and a half years is a long time.

I wonder what she has learnt about life / how she has mapped out her life plans before her.

Watched Legends only yesterday too instead of studying.

Fuck the word studying just caused my heart to skip a beat.

Because I know I have so much to study but I'm like climbing everyday.

Giving no shit about my studies.

Which made me think about my career in the future.

I guess now that I'm typing it out I can see how closely related my thoughts are right now.

Lol.

So it kinda goes like climbing but not studying, future career, parents, friends who are working, then just putting myself in the shoes of everyone who has already started work, and telling myself that I definitely hate this kind of life style and then end up questioning myself "then can you do better?"

There's always this doubt in me.

And I hate it.

I hate how contradicting I am some times.

Sometimes I can talk about how I'm so fucking motivated for something.

And then there's this doubt some other time.

Sigh.

But anyway, back to the topic of Legends only.

So was kinda psyched to watch it even though I should be studying.

So I was talking on the CS chat with Gavin and Vincent.

Then there was Megos, Jongwon, Alexey, Jernej, Rei and Sharma.

And I'm just thinking about what Sharma is thinking.

Like me and Vincent keep saying PLZ SHARMA PLZ.

But he topped 0 routes out of the 5.

And thinking that he's 37 years old.

And then suddenly side track thinking about yam (who's 45 now)

I just put myself out there.

Having all the pressure of the audience, looking at him climb.

This climbing legend that we all looked up to in the past.

But he couldn't top any routes.

And I felt so bad for him.

And then the emcee interviewed him.

There were a few sentences that I kept in my mind.

"Just keep climbing man"

"Thanks for inviting me. These guys (the other competitors) are my heroes."

And I felt the fanboy in me when I was 17 acting up again.

I remembered how much I idolised him because he was like the father to the climbing world.

Breaking the limits of sports climbing.

I just suddenly recalled how I felt back when I started climbing.

I really just enjoy the sports so much.

I could go crazy, hands sweating every moment in the day.

Cause I could only think of climbing.

But right now, sometimes I get tired when I think about climbing.

Isn't there something wrong?

I think I've been chasing things that aren't really important to me.

Do I enjoy climbing as much as I do in the past?

I don't know man.

Anyway, I think I've ran out of thoughts to write.

Or rather, I just am tired to write anymore things.

Funny right? How writing is supposed to let me organise my thoughts and make me less tired.

Okay okay, I'm out of this world of words.

Tons

Haven't felt like this in a long while.
That motivation to train hard.
Like really hard.
It's the next day after the shoulder has injured but I can't seem to get my head around it.
This feels like Transend 2017 again.
When climbing seems to be the only thing revolving around my mind.
More than friends, families, school and more importantly my own well being.
This morning hurts so much.
I have tons of things to do but I can't seem to get any motivation to start on anything.
I realised I haven't been using the word hurt for some time.
But this time round it really hurts.
It hurts more than my LCL strain.
Because I just recovered from it and am so ready to train hard.
Looking back on all my climbing videos brought me to tears.
It signifies every single moment in my life.
The pain I've been through, the joy, the celebration.
All these emotions are rushing in just by looking at them / me.

The shoulder is being really weak now.
I tried doing a pull up but I just can't do it without pain / compensating with the other hand.
But like what you said, I need to keep this mental form up.
No point rustling through these pain just to inflict more pain on myself.
Easier said than done but I'll try my best.
I'll train the other parts of the body and hope it'll keep my mind off the pain.
Really really bummed.
It's only 2 more weeks to Philippines nationals.
I know I won't have enough time to recover by then, but I'll try.
I'll try so hard.

I hope.

Sigh

Really fucking tilted by myself.
Why do I not warm up properly before climbing?
Today's climb was really a shitty climb.
Left middle finger A2's pain is increasing.
Just strained my left shoulder / lats really badly.
It's 2 weeks to Philippines national and I must say my body is fucked.
I hate this shit man.
I hate it that when my confidence and climbing is peaking then the body just had to break.
I feel so damn upset.
I really hope it isn't that bad a strain so that I can at least still compete and climb in baguio.
I felt so disorientated right after I realised I can't leave my shoulders without pain.
How many times must this happen before I learn my fucking lesson.
Always pushing my body to the limits and then hurting it.
I need to manage the psyche to train and the body's capability.
This hurts really bad man.
My distraction for studies is going down and the academics gonna start haunting me again.
It really hurts so bad to know that I'm so ready to train hard and boom there goes the chance to.
Please recover..
I really want to do my best in the nationals.
It's my one and only chance to.
Sigh.
Feels fucking bad man.
Zzz

Wolfgang

Heavy inflow of information.
Yet no way of outlet.
It was a great night.
A great night that meant much more than that.
As the lift goes up, take a swallow and pop.
As the lift door opens, a separated dimension unleashed.
The lights shot through the darkness in flickers.
Red, green, blue, an array of colour.
It bounces off every single corner in the space.
Litted face, but they were blurred from the inner cocktails.
As I walked through the lines of light, I felt free.
I haven't felt it for a long time.

Wait a minute, why am I reminded of writing in the rawest form?
Yes, you reminded me of that.
Maybe tonight is going to be a heavy night.
It seems to be like this when the exams are nearing.
What do I see behind these eyes?
It's like a river of burning lava.
People are being thrown into the lava.
Yet all I could do is watch them burn.
And all I could feel is helpless.
It's green now.
Because green represents toxins.
It creeps through the cracks of the wall.
Breaking things apart.
I've built this wall up.
I must say I've done quite a good job building this wall up.
Because words were spoken.
People have told me that things have been different.
And yes I feel that things are slowly changing.
But yet these green liquids.
They break the foundation of all that I'm trying to build up.
Maybe the problem has always been there.
But it is my responsibility to fix it somehow isn't it?
But how do I fix something that is in so deep.
Just looking into the future, I see things crumbling and falling apart.

Oh how I wish people were more observant about feelings.
Everyone has some sort of unexplained pain linked to this wall.
I can tell.
People being left out.
I could tell so much.
Everyone's eyes seem to speak a story.
Yet there isn't one universal solution to fix this crippling toxin.
And I just sit.
Sit and watch it crumble and fall in the lava.
I hate this so much.
I can hear all of you again.
Words are resounding.
Echos are forming again.
Am I not doing a good job.
And you too, you make people feel like it's a sinful act to be emotional.
And that we have only ourselves to blame for being like this.

Just so much has happened yet nothing had happened.
It's like a balloon that's going to pop.
We're just waiting for the pressure to surpass the limit.
And when it does pop, there goes.
We'll have to start with the rumbles.
And I am honestly tired to pick them all up again.

Concern

I'm afraid to be over concerned for a person again.
I've learnt that being too emotionally attached to someone is going to make me lose myself.
Especially when I dive too deep into the world of another person, living through the lens of that person.
It is too much pain.
Please, let things stay the way they are.

2+ more weeks

To Philippines national.
Reminder to self to train even harder.
Keto is ending in 2 days.
I'm at my lowest 65.9 now.
Hope that I won't go past 67.5 after my diet resumes to normal.