When the stone melts

It's the first time in 24 years I've seen you cry.

Father's day

Yea what a fucking great father's day quarrelling with my dad.
I fucking hate these occasions.
Always a reminder of how fked up a son I am.
Telling me to go and find work to do during holidays.
As if I got time to work.
And there he goes saying I'm always spending time doing other useless stuffs.
If I find it useless would I even be doing it in the first place.
Why can't I just have any support to what I want to do.
Yes, both of you didn't say anything much about me buying my camera and yes I do appreciate it alot.
But why?
Why can't y'all see the efforts I'm putting into my life.
Why are these things not considered efforts to yall.
And climbing too, I never felt supported by yall.
I know I can't be the best climber but it's something I love to do.
It sucks man.
How much I wanted to go rinjani but just the thought of quarrelling with yall just turns me off completely.
Sometimes, it's not the fact that I'm not grown up.
It's yall treating me as if I'm still a boy.
And yes, because of that sometimes I get agitated and act more like it.
It's my personality.
And I hate that too.
I'm just sorry that my perspective of life is just so different from the family.
Finishing my education, going to work.
And die.
Fucking die while working.
That's not what I want from life.
Can't you all see that already?
Sigh.
I don't like these days at all.
And to think that both of your birthdays' are coming.
I am afraid.
I am so afraid of plunging down into this self blame again.
I just hate occasions like this.

Well hidden

Black dog.

I'm glad you aren't barking like a mad dog.

It's tough waking up.

100000000000000000000000000000 things in the mind every morning.

At least it's well hidden.

Tunneled vision

Wrenching chest aches.
Dark.

Hello black dog.

.

"I don't know if it's better to be close with your daughter or make sure that she has a better life than you do."

Spread attention

I'm slowly seeing the issue with me.
I have too many things to do and my attention is just spread out.
I feel like I can only be in a small part of everything.
Though my roles in both require me to give in 100%.
It's tiring and I really need to remind myself that it is not my fault for disregarding and forgetting things.
I feel like I have a lot of things to write.
But what comes out is always a small percentage of the storm in my head.
I wish I have the ability to write them down and organise them.
At least I can see them in black and white.
I wish I can have the energy to spare to update people properly.
But my attention is just so spread.
I'm sorry to all of you who I cannot give my 100% to.
And I'm sorry for not keeping everyone updated on the same page.
Just want this to end soon.
Really.

Just sorry to my BA exco, haizer, runi, my guys exco and the girls exco, my coach and my friends whom I've neglected for months.
There's just too much for me to handle.
I wish I can tell all of you everything.

These few days

Were just overwhelming.
The feeling of no one caring is just so fucking bad.
For the past few days, just settling things.
Bringing my laptop out everyday cause I need to do work.
I have so much fucking things on my to do list I don't even know how to continue.
People are expecting so much from me.
Expecting answers, expecting instructions.
I'm tired.
I just want someone to ask whether I am okay.
Not whether my fucking project is okay.
But whatever, I'll just burn all the fucking bridges in the world.
Tired of trying to hold on to friendships with this state of mind.
Nothing is working out.
Nobody sees that I'm trying.
When your head is underwater, a few inches down isn't going to matter.
That's how things are now.