Honestly

I feel so much pain from yesterday.
My comp form was just shit.
I can't even think.
My mind was not focus at all.
Think results didn't really hit me very hard cause I would say 1T2 3Z is not bad.
Got me to a rank of 27
But seriously, the self-hate is fucking real.
Hate how my mind just couldn't be present.
And how it gets so distracted so easily.
Overgripping tiles, shaking.
Fucking weak mental.

Noisy head

Waking up this morning with thought infused head.
Was mainly thinking about how this selfish behavior has led me to losing friends.
And the thing is I don't care.
But somehow I know deep inside, there's so many people that's on my mind.
But I've chose to disregard it and just fuck things up.
I don't know.
It suddenly feel purposeless to have certain friends.
To do certain things.
To have goals.
These thoughts have somehow just re-emerged from the bottom of the pits.
Coming out to haunt me again.
Whenever I stare at something in focus, it blurs out and it seems like I'm staring at myself from afar instead, in the most literal sense.
There's so many people that I want to make things up for.
People that has helped me through the darkness but I just feel so selfish and I feel that things are different.
Lost that comfort with people.
I guess it's good in a way.
To be more dependent on myself.
But idk, the things I've been doing on a day to day basis has been making things worse.
It feels like I cannot function properly.
So much work to catch up on, but I'm just doing random stuffs like playing DFFOO, dota or whatever shit.
I don't even dare to say I hate this lifestyle.
Because secretly, it's nice comfort to be lazing my life away.
But at the end of it I know this lazing will cause some pain in the end.
This post is just a random rant about whatever that's coming through the cracks.
Climbing gets scary sometimes.
I feel that I have too much pressure on myself now.
I think there are good days which I don't recognise it as much as last time.
And the bad days just amplify and make my head worse.
I know I need to stand up and start walking.
But sitting down here just has so much inertia.
It's scary that the longer you sit, the higher the inertia.
And all you can do is just stare at the world revolve while you stay status quo.

Journey

Comfort - don't have to push too hard to feel uncomfortable
Inferior - under the facade lies the lack of confidence
Balance - literally and balance between trying hard and enjoying it
Externalism - observing as a third person
Laziness - it's okay to be lazy and not do anything. Rest when you need to.

Blog song

My blog song brings me back to the time where I am so with myself.
The times when I really think about who I really am.
And how every thoughts sprung out from me as the centre.
In the way that my life revolves around me.
And not trying to catch up with the speed it is revolving.

This semester has been a mess.
Academic wise I feel like I'm so off for every modules.
Climbing wise I feel like I'm deproving because of trying to 'feel' my body and my movement.
Because somehow I get too overly affected by my own performance.
I should disregard my own performance as of now and really just understand my body.
And tell myself that it is okay to be way back even at the bottom.
As long as I know how my body works.
I want to be able to feel every twitch of muscle when I do certain movements.
I want to be able to listen to my body, feel my lungs breathe, feel the contact my finger tips are having with the handholds, I want to be able to isolate the muscle group needed to do the particular move.
Climbing has been sticking with me for a long long time.
It's been 7 years of climbing.
For the first time I'm thinking so much about how capable the human body is.
And the human mind of course.
I feel like the body and mind is interconnected.
And I feel this connection (or disconnectedness) especially in climbing.
Some days the connection is too much that my all the thoughts in my mind spill over to my body when I'm climbing.
And that just means I'm going to be climbing like shit.
And some days, I climb well and it has a very positive impact to my mind for the rest of the day.
And then there are days where I can't feel any connection.
Like the mind and body are just two different separate entities.
And this doesn't mean I'm climbing badly, some times when that happens, I can climb pretty well too.
I guess I just want to work towards positive mind and body connection.
Hmm, big words.
There were three training sessions so far when I feel my body so much that it scared me in a way.
It was such an amazing feeling to be able to feel everything.
Past two training sessions was good but it falls under the (mind and body not connected) kind of good.
I was just riding on the psyche.
And I know that if my peers aren't there I probably won't climb as well.
It's different from the sessions when I don't send all the routes but I'm so satisfied with myself because I know my body and I can control it so well.

Hahaha, wanted to blog generally about how I am now.
But just end up talking about climbing.
I'll just say the four things that are worrying me as of now are as follow (in no particular order)
1. BA
2. Academics
3. Climbing
4. Friendship and relationship (due to the concentration of the above 3)

Today in particular was a really weird day.
Woke up really tired and felt a lil sick.
Stupid sinus stayed with me from 10am to 3pm.
And from morning till then just felt so disconnected.
Shoulder PT woke me up I guess.
And I lost my cigg pack :')
But today's training was pretty good!
Hope this carries on
For the next few days, shall rush my epistemology essay.
Wonder how I'm going to argue about my points when I don't even know I'm a sceptic or anti-sceptic
Hahaha.

Messy situations

I feel so aimless these few weeks.
Climbing wise, BA wise, and basically just my academics.
It feels so... I don't even how to explain.
Kinda like an analogy of how I'm feeling about myself.
Climbing shitty makes me feel incapable of myself.
And not having any plans for BA when time is running so close.
Nothing is moving.
No fucking momentum at all.
And I'm so worried about this whole thing.
And you know like climbing lousily makes things worse because somehow BA's just at the back of my mind when I climb.
I hate it that I lose the focus for climbing.
Been climbing really bad.
I don't even know how to say how bad it is?
Like I can't even finish red at BW on Saturday training.
So many times in training when I just feel like breaking down.
But I just hold it in because it'll just feel crazy to other people.
Not able to finish a route only, so dramatic.
Sometimes it's not about the route at all.
It's when the route suddenly holds all your life decision and your worries and pain with it.
And you can't deal with it.
And the mind just keeps telling you that it's the same with your life.
You suck.
You can't do anything right.

Fuck off.

Been quite a crazy 4 weeks

Things that have been bothering me quite the most is really climbing.

Actually just this week, been having too many bad days in climbing.

Well, I've been looking up things about body awareness, proprioception in particular and I've been feeling my body a lot more on the wall.

And when I am aware of my body, I'll consciously ask myself like how the sloper feel, how much strength am I using, where's my CG, if I lower my CG does it make it easier, can I use my shoulder instead of my biceps, try the lats, try the hips, how does the tile feel, which part of my finger is pain, etc.

And honestly it has made me improve as a climber for sure.

Just that it annoys me pretty bad when I lose this awareness.

And like I can't get it back in that same session until the next session.

It has been happening for a week or so.

That aside, trekkinn is taking forever to deliever my shoes.

I've been climbing with a hole as big as a 50 cent coin.

Some footholds are even smaller than the hole.

Which means yea I'm stepping on my feet and absolutely feeling the tile.

Developed some weird tough callus that Mun called mammoth skin.

Yeah anyway other than climbing, wanna talk about my philo class.

Epistemology.

It's really interesting.

The module.

But wew it stresses me really much when I have to go for tutorial.

Because all the other students are so freaking smart and I'm just like a physics student.

I've never felt so inferior in my life ever.

Like seriously, all of them are freaking smart.

And that aside, BA has been causing me to be super stress this few days.

And I feel like it's also the cause of me climbing bad.

Like idk, I feel like I'm the only one starting to panic for this.

There's so many things to do and nothing is confirmed.

It sucks la.

Gonna take a 5 days break from every thing and enjoy myself in BKK in the next couple of days.

Flying on the saturday afternoon with my family.

2nd overseas trip as a family of 5 in my life.

19 years ago hahaha.

Quite excited!!

And that also means I'm screwed for my paper on 23rd.

I have astrophysics and photonics on that day.

And in addition an essay to be submitted.

I swear this is the busiest point of my life.

I've never had so many things to juggle with.

Just kinda hope things can start moving soon.

And I really hope my team can get in line with my thoughts.

Seem sucky to be the only one panicking.

And please, climb better.

Taking a week break from climbing as well.

Nights all.

Happy CNY

It hurts

To see that we're all a little different when we're back here.
We were all different persons.
I miss seeing everyone truly happy.
And not just smiling or laughing with work / problems at the back of their mind.
I wanna go back.
I miss feeling that way.
And not this fucking fake shit face I'm giving everyday now.
It hurts.
It fucking hurts.
It comes out in burst.
Tearing every patches of rationality along the way.