I'm not alone

Living with anxiety for me means living every day with the constant worry that everyone in my life who means something to me will one day up and leave me. It means needing to insistently talk to and interact with everyone in my life. I feel like I am holding a bundle of helium-filled air balloons, and the more I talk to someone, the tighter my grip on the string gets, and the less likely they are to get away.

Yet, life and experience have taught me this is the exact thing that makes people want to leave even more. The more I smother and pull, the farther away they get. My constant insecurity of being alone drives me to push people out of my life. Now isn’t that ironic?

I’m scared to be alone because that means I will be alone with my thoughts — the worry and the constant running to-do list that will never be finished. My anxiety makes me high maintenance, and there is nothing people hate more than dealing with someone who is high maintenance. It is exhausting, I have to live with myself every day.

This downward spiral of not wanting to be alone has gotten to the point that if I don’t talk to someone every day, I have accepted the fact that they hate me and have rid me from their life.

However, reality has taught me people just get busy — for days, weeks, or even months at a time, and that doesn’t mean they don’t love you anymore. You don’t need to talk to someone 24/7. It’s smothering. My goal is to start living in the moment with myself more.

My goal is to try and start controlling my anxiety and channeling it in different ways than tethering myself to everyone around me. I want to be able to let myself fly away sometimes. Let myself worry but talk it out with me. I want to be able to start troubleshooting my own problems and trust myself to be alone again. I want to be able to enjoy being alone, entirely and solely in touch with myself and how I feel. I’m hoping this will start to allow me to trust others more and believe in myself.

But I think I'm still tryin' to figure this crap out

Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fuckin' black cloud
Still follows me around but it's time to exercise these demons
These muh'fuckers are doin' jumpin' jacks now

Feeling so crazy these few days

One moment the calm sea.
Next moment a storm.
I just feel dysfunctional.
Yesterday was just a bad day.
I did nothing at all.
Literally nothing productive.
It was a storm that followed from when I opened my eyes to when they close.
Such a bad day to get stuck with myself.
Hate it.
Not even going to try to describe it.

Just woke up tho

Boulderactive

It's been quite a rough day for me.
Firstly I was supposed to study before BA meeting but I did nothing of that sort.
But that I only have myself to blame.
Next was BA meeting.
BA meeting felt so stressful.
But I guess it comes with the fact that I'm the overall PD for BA2018.
So, I would like to rant a little.
Just drank a little and I guess it might make my words truer, idk.
Tbh, I'm fucking stress to be the overall PD for BA 2018.
But what's the point of being stress since I was already appointed to be.
There's so much things to do in 9 months before the actual event day itself.
Today's meeting made me ponder and doubt myself about my own capabilities.
I felt like I wasn't up for this role.
Because during the meeting today, I see eyes all on me for answers.
And tbh, I wasn't ready for questions because I myself was just a secretary in the previous comm.
I wasn't very much involved in the marketing side and logistics side.
I was very involved only in registration and replying emails.
Suddenly, it daunt on me that the whole event was up to me to handle.
And I was just so stress about all the questions that came in because I just wanted to say I was as clueless as everyone is.
Had a talk with Theresa and zw after climbing at Kinetics today and I'm so thankful that they were there today.
They reassured me that at the start, that was how I was supposed to feel because they themselves didn't know what to do at the start.
Visioning came along as time comes.
So being so stress, I needed some sort of answers to my own questions.
Went to meet Ferran at his place today to have a drink and chit chat about BA.
And wew, realised that I have such a big shoe to fill and it made me really doubtful of my own abilities.
I was afraid that things fall apart under my leadership.
And I really don't want to see BA2018 to be any less as compared to the previous years.
Theresa and Ferran really calmed me down today about my own capabilities and I'm so thankful for them to talk to me about BA.
I know I have to learn the ropes.
And I really hope that I can handle all these issues that are appearing in my mind.
After talking to Ferran, I realised there's so much things I need to do and so much relationships with people that I have to deal with.
I'm not ready for this but I must be ready no matter what.

To my main BA comm if you're reading this, I hope that things will be fine between us.
I don't want an event to spoil our friendship.
But instead, pull us closer as friends and to be able to support each other through the times.
I know I'm like exaggerating too much but really, with my fogged thoughts (with alcohol) I really hope I'm able to do this man.
I hope that we can work well together and settle things together as a team.
And somehow, I have this feeling that we can and we will.
And I could see us working together towards a common goal.
Hope you girls be patient with me as well since I have such a big role to fill.
Just hope things will be fine :/
I probably should go to sleep.
It's been a long day fighting with my thoughts.
Good night.

Reality separates

when the eyelids fall,

and the eyes retract.

A separated reality,

when the black bubble burst.

You know

Sometimes when I read back old conversations, every thing seemed normal.
But when I look at the discontinuation between certain texts, the few minutes could probably mean a few thousand unsaid words.
And I'm not exaggerating the numbers.

To the other INFP reading this

"Sees your darkness. Follows you into it. Meets all of your demons and fears. Reminds you that they do not scare that easily. Empathizes deeply. Accepts fully. Houses all your pain inside themselves. Listens with patience. Counsels with intention. Helps you find all the versions of yourself that you had forgotten. Walks with you, hand-in-hand, out of the shadows."

We're all the same aren't we?