It takes effort

To be conscious and stay conscious.

It feels alive to be conscious.

And when auto pilot kicks in, your day passes as if it didn't happen.

And I guess that translates to:

It takes effort to feel alive.

Been a wild journey

Just when I thought everything was going well, and that I can handle my emotions well.

I just needed one fk up to crash everything.

And that is the shittiest feeling ever.

All the discipline that I had upkeep for months crumbled in a day because I was 'extra' emotional.

It's not a new feeling.

I've been through this ultimate low 3 or 4 times in my entire journey.

But this time feels different.

Because I have baos.

And I felt like shit that she had to go through this with me.

But this also made me realised that I do have someone that I can rely on.

Whatever happens I have baos behind my back.

And today I truly felt that.

I can't even describe properly how I'm feeling now but I just know that despite all the pain and numbness, I feel loved and supported.

If you're reading this, I love you baos.

I can't wait to fly back to you and give you a big big hug.

For being so important in my life.

As the world wakes

The streets get busy,

The sounds of a city envelopes.

I guess I'll have to wait.

For the next peaceful morning.

Flowers

She excitedly exclaimed, "Have you seen the flowers outside?"

I was scrolling relentlessly on my phone, tired and depleted of social energy.

I replied, uninterested.

"What flowers?"

Her excitement dulled.

"Didn't you see the new flowers?"

"Nope."

On the way to work this morning, I saw a man on his PMD zooming past me.

Sat on his lap was his daughter in her primary school uniform.

Far ahead where the school gate was, parents were dropping their kids off in their cars. 

And it struck me.

My mum was waiting the whole of yesterday to show me her new flowers.

The last hour of the day

 As much as I would love to keep the last hour of the day to myself without social media,

I felt like I've failed (not entirely terribly).

Today's last hour felt different.

So much that I felt like writing down my thoughts.

As I was waiting for the bus back home from yb's, I decided to reach into my bag and take out my book-

Days at the Morisaki's bookshop.

It was an easy to read book and written in first person.

Somehow, I only just realised I like books that are written in first person.

I felt easily connected to the protagonist.

And I guess it's less confusing for me to feel for one single character and her interactions with the rest.

Instead of having to choose who to feel for throughout the entire book.

This was a nice discovery.

I think what struck me so far was Takoko's original disinterest in books.

But she had to kill time because she can't sleep.

And she picked up a book out of random and got so invested in it and feel so much for the girl in her book.

I felt like I was literally living her moment because I wanted to kill time (the last hour of the day) and hence grabbed the book out from my bag.

And it struck me that there are so many people who write and read.

And feelings are in the writers and the readers.

The book wrote about second-hand books having passages highlighted or underlined by past readers.

It reminded me of the second-hand thrift books display in Victoria Market Melbourne.

One thing led to another, I also started feeling slow after getting reminded of myself in Melbourne.

I haven't been able to keep up with the rule I've set for myself for the past 2 months.

It isn't the best start of working towards my goal for 2025.

The walk back home tonight caught many glimpses of what I've done for the past 'last hours'.

I was either drinking and scrolling or hanging out with friends or just looking at Tiger Broker.

Honestly, I should have felt very disappointed at myself.

But I decided that I shouldn't be too harsh on myself.

Today's last hour was nice.

And it's worth remembering.

That feeling when you feel so self-aware.

Of my own thoughts.

And it's been awhile that I've felt like I'm connected to myself again.

I'm at peace with my UBER and CRM trades already.

But more so coming to terms with the fact that I'm actually back trading again.

It was both tiring and scary on Friday night.

Stressful and sad.

But I'm glad that I could take a step back tonight and tell myself that,

It is okay.

It is really okay.

And I wish for more nights like this to come.

And on a larger scale, for 2025 onwards to be years that I am increasingly aware of my own being.

For a while now

 I've been pondering about the idea of what's changing within me.

It's a change that I don't really like but I just can't wrap my head around what it was.

And just as I was doom scrolling after waking up this morning, I came upon a slice of life comedy strip.

And it talks about how the author is uncomfortable of doing nothing.

Because of how crazily busy she had been in the past.

The stark contrast of being so busy and then suddenly having nothing to do scares her.

She don't know how to spend time with herself anymore.

And she felt like death and wish to get back to work immediately so she could escape this uneasy feeling.

Escape from "being with herself".

And I think that kind of hits me.

I think my mind has just been processing so many information that I feel like I ain't processing them at all.

Everything just zooming by like a blur.

I think the last time I felt like I slowed down my thoughts was really that random morning that I was early for work and heading to Lam's house.

And just listening to music.

And just appreciating all the little details of life.

Acknowledging the stress in the morning traffic.

Noticing tree branches that were on top of bus stop shelters.

Realising the whole world is on their phones on the train.

And realising this particular stranger ain't using his phone.

Was he thinking the same as me?

And I'm very sure I want more days like that day in 2025.

And throwing the other two words on my previous blog post,

I have decided that I want to focus on 'SLOW'

And that should be sufficient enough to cover the other two words.

Slow down weeps.

2024

Found a pocket of time to write this before the year ends.

2024 was the year I turned 30.

I think it feels pretty significant.

I'm sure 10 years down the road, I will probably be like, "Damn I was only 30 years old"

I think this sentence just proves the importance of living every day as it is.

It's really getting increasingly difficult to remind myself to live slow.

Time just flies.

And of course the amount of screen time lately is just pretty disgusting.

What a 2024 though.

I told myself in 2023, I want to focus on music.

I think I kind of did.

And I think I was proud to be exploring music the whole of this year.

And looking back at some of my guitar playing at the start of the year, I know I have improved pretty significantly.

And I guess I can say - Yes, I picked up music as a hobby in 2024.

It's pretty fun.

2024 without trading has created a stable space for my mental health.

I would say I have almost 100% accepted the fact that I've lost a sizable amount of money in 2023 and that I would have to rebuild and reset my life from 2024 onwards.

I think I set a goal to rebuild my creativity in 2024.

I wouldn't say I entirely failed that goal because I did picked up music after all.

But yes, probably not doing much in the film sense.

Which surprisingly I'm quite forgiving to myself for that.

Definitely lots of drinking this year still.

But it wasn't sorrow drinking as compared to 2023.

Most of the nights drinking were accompanied with listening / playing music.

I have also returned to trading after a year hiatus.

I think this time having a better mindset, I hope I can control my emotions better.

And a totally new strategy of swing trade so I'm not entirely sucked to the whole decision of whether to buy / sell every minute.

We shall see in 2025 :)

Reconnected with some people, and definitely drifted away from others.

But of course, as per every year.

And I would like to use this last part of my post to write about my girlfriend Bing.

She came into my life so...

'Quickly'.

And so coincidental that I was in the phase of swiping on apps.

I think the act of me swiping back then kind of signified that my inner state was at peace and ready to look for someone.

And it kind of felt like the night when it all happened, there were so many decisions to be made but all the decisions that were made led me to meeting her. (Visually thinking of the web timeline thingy in Everything Everywhere All At Once)

And the whole time that night just felt correct.

The very next afternoon felt correct.

The following days and weeks after felt correct.

Though we'd only known each other for days, I felt like I've known her for a long time.

And it just felt correct when I asked her to be my girlfriend.

I just feel so blissed and happy to have met her.

I told her she's like a meteor.

Came crashing into my life.

And honestly, there are times when I'm still processing this whole relationship thing like...

Wtf?

I have a girlfriend!

It's crazy.

And I just wish,

We will continue growing individually and (togetherly)

This is just the start

And I am definitely excited for what's to come.

And what the future holds for us :)

I should definitely write more.

I am so rusty in this lol.

In 2025, the early thirties begins.

I am looking forward.

Not so afraid anymore.

Keywords for next year?

Maybe:

1. Slow (Lifestyle)

2. Expression (Music and film)

3. People (Relationships)

Thank you to all of you who had been part of my life experiences in 2024.

May you find peace in your own path of life.

I think

Love will win

Thankful

For friends I can open up to even after not meeting for years.

And I meant being really vulnerable with them.

Had a really fun but tiring day at WL's big day.

Enjoyed chatting at my table with Wilfred, Val and Cheryl.

Cheryl was sharing about her gap year and the idea that letting go of your career forces your identity out.

Because we tend to put our identity with our career.

Interesting concept.

I guess Wilfred was also intrigued. 

Other that that, listening to Rach talk about her past and vulnerabilities after their wedding. It was really nice.

I can't remember the last time someone opened to me at such level.

And in return, I shared too, at that level.

It was a nice raw sharing and I felt like it's been a long time since I talked that much.

Felt very heard and connected to a human being.

And I'm so happy for the both of them :)))

And

It occurred to me that I am much more forgivable to myself at this state.

I have a lot of work I haven't do.

That's not wrong.

I high texted someone, feels like fuck but that ain't wrong too.

I just feel a lot at that point in time and she was the first person that popped in my head.

I feel like when I wake up I'm going to be harsh on myself all over again. 

But I really felt that life should be lived fiercely like that.

For the appreciation of medium that makes life, life.

Music, film and art.

Isn't that how life should be lived?

High af

But my takeaway is that I need to make a music video

Yup

 I typed all of that with half of my eyes closed. 

>.O

Fiercly passionate huh?

How do I? 

I woke up with a quote in mind

To be 'fiercely passionate about life.'

Since there's really only this one life that we are all gonna live.

It was quite a weird dream.

But I remembered dreaming of watching a TeamNUS climbing video. 

Where it was about choosing the next exco.

And it was the year that I stepped up to be the captain of the team 

The video was intense.

Filmed in a docu style and I remember it was quite nicely filmed by me, and I was in my head, hoping that Dion (who was watching with me) will find it nice.

There were the two ivans too. 

It was back to uni days, looking for my tutorial room. Was late, slightly nervous, slightly dgaf. 

Was texting hoho and asking where is low.

Found low in a empty classroom and sleeping.

He was snoring so loud. 

Took a tele bubble and send ho.

Then went to find ho.

Became a game where we were shooting monsters. 

Like l4d, there was a moment I was pretending to be dead.

Then the opponent monster came to me and whisper in my year, just surrender if not I gna crush this skull of yours.

Fk I even dreamt of destin, wilfred.

Destin was in house. He has a elder bro that recently passed away. His gaming desktop became an altar.

Which looked really nice.

Fk there was kenny too

I was filming Destin, then I remembered wanting to add turquoise spotlight on the scene.

Fhen I walked past kenny and ask whether he saw my small pocket light.

He say AS10 ah? I put in your room already.

Then for wilfred, it was like a class.

He was the one saying 'good morning class' in a super mcm phm way.

Then I walked past him and repeated to him in a guai lan way 'good mOrNiNg cLasS'

Yeah that's about it.

But I remembered being quite inspired by my own video about me becoming a captain .

Still remembered tearing while watching the video lol.

And idk but somehow, I felt like I went through the heavily woven time and space of friendships and phases.

And I woke up telling myself that I need to be fiercely passionate about life. 

Don't let the 'mundane' kill the 'beautiful' life has to offer.

Hit the milestone

I started this blog when I was 15 years old.

Now I am double the age of it.

What do I feel about it?

What would 15 years old me feel if he knows I'm still writing here 15 years later?

I've definitely seen more things than he had.

But I think the core if who he was hasn't change much.

I'm still navigating life as it comes along.

No said big goals or aspirations.

Maybe slightly (in my career sense) but I wouldn't take that as ultimatum 'life goals

It's my 3rd day of being 30 and what triggered me to write today was what I saw at the kopitiam across my place.

It was really just an ordinary (depressive) morning, I was heading for lunch.

As I was ordering my food, a well dressed mid 30s lady was on her phone.

After ordering my food, I gave a glance at her again.

Our eyes met and tears were flowing down her cheeks.

I saw her blink and two teardrops fell.

While I was waiting for my food, I felt very triggered because she kinda represented my inner being.

It was a seemingly long stand off, me at my line and her holding her phone across her ears.

Before my food came, she stood up and quickly walked away.

What really came to my mind wasn't questions about what happened.

But more of a reminder to me that almost everyone out here is the same.

We all have our struggles but it's never openly shown.

One of my friends who I least thought was struggling came over and visited my blog.

He first asked if I was okay, and next he talked to me about his anxiety.

And it kinda came crushing on me that day that whatever I felt of people being better off than me was false.

Yes maybe in certain aspects, but if we were stripped off of all our societal statuses -

WE.ARE.ALL.THE.SAME.

I finished the last moments of my late twenties being in reservist too.

It was honestly quite a nice reset to my depressive cycle in July.

And I was glad my fog disappeared.

Even for a short while, it was sufficient for me to think.

I just wanna write about what happened in the first week of outfield.

Alpha was tasked to clear these certain sectors but most of my guys died in the first building.

While I was garnering whoever that was alive to charge to the next building, suddenly the malays from my original platoon put back their helmet (they were not dead but pretending to be dead)

That 5 of them put back their helmet again and decided to fight with me. 

Such a simple act but I'm so glad that after so many years, they are still willing to act for me.

Some of them 30 years old as well.

At that moment, though I was tired, I was very motivated to be backed by them.

And as a company, we managed to clear all our objectives and killed our enemies.

That was a story that will live on with me whenever I think of my guys.

Thank you guys <3

After being on a music and film drought, it's time for me to catch up on these things.

Still uncertain about my career but I kinda figured that I really want to pursue creating content that are music related.

Not sure how I'll get there but, I believe as long as I know what I really want, I will get there.

Too positive a post that scares me too.

But I guess my blog needs a negative break.

Lol.

HP30BD to me

Thankful for last night

For being forced to talk about how I am rn.

And just openly sharing about our pasts.

I know I was slightly impacted because I thought about what she said last night.

I think more on "if you drink everyday, it's foggy"

I hvn't heard someone explain my situation better than that lol.

Guess she went through that too

And you know,

Just reading through the previous posts,

and realising how I've been mentioning about how I'm turning 30.

So I guess this is the theme in my head for awhile now.

At least I'm able to pin point to it.

Will find some time to sit with myself and just think through this question.

As I sat on the bathroom floor

It was a weird mix of anxiety and depression.

I feel like I was panicking but it feels like the depression is numbing things out.

I feel like tearing up but my heart was beating too fast.

I don't like today at all.

My thoughts are just going on and on about how fucked up of a person I am.

And I really don't want to see anyone.

Don't want to leave my bedroom,

Don't want to leave the shower.

I don't even know what I want to write.

LosT is playing in the background.

And the lyrics are hitting so hard.

"If I keep this up, I think I'm gonna break down"

It's exactly what I am doing right now.

Keeping this fucking toxic lifestyle up.

Drinking every night.

Sleeping at 530am and waking up at 3pm

I don't even know why there's this constant reminder thought that I'm turning 30 soon.

I don't even know what I'm fearing about turning 30.

Is it because I'm single and lonely now?

Is it because I have lost my drive and passion for work?

Or is it just because I'm fucking LOST rn?

(And that I shouldn't be as a 30 years old man)

I know these thoughts will simmer down later.

But I'm just writing it out because I can't take this head now.

I feel so useless.

And the scary thing is, it's not just a thought thing right?

I can tangibly see why I feel this way.

The actions I'm doing is just adding to the fact that I am useless.

And then feeling useless and just doing the same actions.

It feels so weird to rant even.

Cause I'm at an AGE where I should have already figured things out.

Or more so, I should be able to handle these thoughts and feelings by myself already.

It's not like I haven't been through these feelings before.

But the fucked up thing is,

I can't.

I can't handle any of this bullshit head rn.

Fuck off.

Depresso 2

I didn't even know I blogged last night lol.

But it was quite a intense night.

These days feel like a fucking mess waiting to happen.

My heart wrenches at how I'm unable to feel.

I'm so numb from my own lifestyle.

Gaming till 6am, going in and out of my room just to smoke.

Months are so quiet that it makes the inner demon scream so loud.

My dad asked if I was earning enough,

And asking why I'm sleeping so late.

How do I answer these questions that I myself have no answers for?

While I was high 5 days ago, I recalled how happy I was when the only problem I had was,

What Ice Cream do I want?

And also watching Grampians video yesterday just makes me miss the me over there.

Such simple life.

Recently I was wondering, if my parents aren't around anymore.

Would I be more at peace with myself.

The fear of being a burden would be less right?

At the end of this post,

I'm just glad I still have this safe space to vomit.

I'm turning 30 so soon.

Idk why it scares me so much.

Weird end but ok.

Bye.

Depresso

Just watched last year's Grampian's video and realised I missed you so much.

It's kinda sad that I still don't know how you feel and all.

But I'm still glad to feel what I felt back then after watching the video. 

And that's the power of videography / film.

Like a few days back when I was high and watched Your Name.

These 2 moments reminded me how important film is to me.

And rewatching Grampian's video made me realise how good my cut were. 

I hope to do a very good job for DT and Ah Chir.

I love both of them so much hahahaha. 

It's a quiet year so far over here

I wonder if this means I'm good in general.

If I honestly ask myself, I think I'm quite caught in between.

There are days where I feel I'm enough, and days that I don't. 

Turning 30 in 2 months is pretty scary too.

Especially when I notice people who are in their mid 40s to 60s more.

I wonder if they had achieved whatever they had set out to.

It's kinda a weird place for me now. 

But when has it not been?

We are all figuring out and navigating at every phase.

Anyway this post is triggered while I'm on the train listening to music and observing people around me.

Everyone's just doom-scrolling. 

And it feels... sad.

Because recently, I look alot like these people and I don't like it.

But it's just so easy to fall into it.

Okay it's a weird end to this post but I gtg